30:00-1:00:00
[We are missing section 45:00-1:00:00 :[ Help us out, and sign-up to do it for us here!]
BARB: No.
BURNIE: It’s like, are we reaching the end of that part of history?
BARB: I don’t think so.
GUS: No, I think beards have made a resurgence.
BURNIE: No no I’m saying they’ve obviously come back in the last few years, but like when do they go out of vogue again? It’s like all the dudes I see now have beards, and I’m a guy with a beard.
BARB: Twenty twenty-two[2022]
GAVIN: What was the point in evolution of facial hair for a man?
GUS: Keeps you warm.
GAVIN: What about the women?
GUS: We’re out hunting.
BARB: Yeah we’re inside cooking.
GAVIN: So they didn’t get beards cause they stayed inside?
BURNIE: It’s a good point though why do we have different hair patterns?
GUS: I don’t know..
BURNIE: Why why is that?
BARB: That is weird now that I think about it.
GUS: Beats me.
GAVIN: Speaking of like
BURNIE: That’s the only difference
GUS: Women have some hair, right, but it’s like a peach fuzz it doesn’t grow into the coarse beard hair.
BURNIE: If you’re lucky.
BARB: I shave my beard once a day just to make sure.
GUS: I went to highschool with a girl with a beard.
BARB: Are you serious?
GUS: Yeah, it was gross cause when she shaved it left like a green tinge. Like it wasn’t dirty it was just like you could see the stubble.
BURNIE: It’s called stubble. It’s called she had five-o’clock shadow.
GUS: And it looked kinda greenish. It was so gross.
BURNIE: She looked like Don Draper.
BARB: It looked green?
GUS: Yeah, it was disgusting.
BARB: What the hell?
BURNIE: Dude, Jon Hamm who plays Don Draper he’s like one of those guys that like will shave and then immediately get five-o’clock shadow.
GUS: I have that problem cause like my face is so white and my hair is so dark that when I shave, you can still see it.
BURNIE: You really are the palest Hispanic person I have ever met in my life.
GUS: Yeah, I’m pretty pale.
BARB: Have you met Ray?
BURNIE: What’s that?
GUS: Nah, Ray’s darker than I am.
BARB: Is he?
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: What’s Ray? Is Ray Puerto Rican?
BARB: Puerto Rican.
GAVIN: I’m darker than both of you.
GUS: Yeah, you are.
BARB: Dude, I’m getting a tan. Have you seen?
GAVIN: Nice! Check that out.
BURNIE: Yeah Gavin and Barbara are suffering through their first Austin summer.
GAVIN: I- I’ve done it before.
BARB: I haven't.
BURNIE: Oh yeah, have you been here in the summer? I guess you were here for Recreation, yeah.
GAVIN: Yeah.
BURNIE: Sorry.
GAVIN: You went to Tokyo.
GUS: Yeah, I went to Tokyo.
GAVIN: Did you have like the toilet that wipes for you?
GUS: Yep, the budai?
GAVIN: And by wipe I mean it squirts.
GUS: Did you have like one of those crazy electronic toilets that like had all the control panels?
GAVIN: Yeah yeah, so the first thing I do I looked at it and I was like all I see all these buttons there’s like different levels of spray and stuff. The first thing i do is turn the water pressure to the maximum, obviously.
GUS: Yes
GAVIN: Of course
BARB: On purpose?
GAVIN: Yeah, and then uh dropped a twosie and then so I pressed the button I was like wonder if I should like maybe.
BURNIE: By the way Barbara he told me like every time every time he went to the bathroom he told me on the trip. He’s so proud of it.
BARB: He came up smiling, “Dropped a twosie.”
GAVIN: So then I uh pressed the spray button, and there’s like maybe a four second period of just whirring so I finished I pressed it and it goes like ghooo-pachoo-pachoo and it just goes like patchoo, but the aim was incredible. It like it nailed I don’t know if I was just like happened to be standing in the right position.
GUS: I wonder if they have like some kind of sphincter sensor to look for your asshole.
BURNIE: Where do you test that?
GAVIN: It got me right in the cornhole.
GUS: I’ll bet you felt super clean after that.
BARB: Oh god
GAVIN: And then I was getting it to spray like out of the toilet so I could see the thing that came up.
GUS: Gross! Why would you do that?
GAVIN: No no I was just trying to see what the thing was that did it.
BARB: I am so attracted to you right now.
GAVIN: If you’re not sat on the toilet it won’t come out, so I was like huh maybe it’s a weight thing and I realized it’s got a little infrared sensor just to the side, so I put my foot on it and then I pressed the button, and I forgot that I turned the water pressure all the way up.
GUS: Oh my god
BARB: Oh no
GAVIN: It just comes out the back of the toilet and just goes patchoo and it got the wall on the other side of the room,
GUS: Oh my god.
GAVIN: it was a tiny little room, but like it just went all over the wall it was just like this powerful jet and I had to stop it but it was fun. I tried to get BURNIE to
BURNIE: He tried to get me to stand in the way of the stream of the butt sprayer and he thought I would do this.
GAVIN: I bet Burnie ten-thousand yen to stand in front of it.
GUS: Ten-thousand yen? That’s like a hundred bucks.
BURNIE: It’s exactly a hundred bucks.
GAVIN: To stand in front of the jet, but he wouldn’t do it.
BURNIE: He tried for about an hour to get me to do that.
BARB: You love making stupid bets.
GAVIN: I do.
BARB: You love it.
GAVIN: I do.
BURNIE: He also he won’t do anything himself he just tries to get everyone
GAVIN: Nobody pays me to do anything though.
GUS: Because he wants to film it.
BURNIE: I was going to pay you to. What was I offered to pay you to do something I forget what it was now, and you refused.
GAVIN: That was to go get a girl’s phone number.
BURNIE: Oh, yeah.
BARB: You wouldn’t do it?
GAVIN: No
BURNIE: There was a girl, Barb, there was a girl at the luggage rack in Austin where we claim our bags
BARB: Luggage rack,
BURNIE: Luggage rack..
BARB: winky face.
BURNIE: And she was staring down Gavin over and over again. I said, “Why does this girl keep looking in our direction?” And then it was, “Oh, she’s looking directly at Gavin.” And so finally I said to Gavin, “You gotta go get this girl's phone number.” And he’s like, “Nah, not gonna do it.” And I bet him, What did I bet you?
GAVIN: Two-hundred bucks.
BURNIE: Yeah two-hundred bucks.
BARB: Why didn't you do it?
GAVIN: I had just been on like a eleven hour flight
BURNIE: Nope
GAVIN: And I looked like
BARB: Who cares?
BURNIE: Gavin has a deep-seated fear of rejection
GAVIN: I think, doesn’t everyone?
BURNIE: Nope, I don’t think so.
BARB: First of all you get to talk to a pretty girl, and you get two-hundred bucks. It’s like a win-win.
GUS: Was she not white cause I’m convinced Gavin’s dick is racist.
BURNIE: Oh really, why do you think that?
GUS: I’ve never heard him say that a non-white woman is attractive. I’m always like, “What about her?”
GAVIN: Halle Berry!
GUS: a super hot non-white woman, and he’s like, “No, no.”
BURNIE: You always say Halle Berry. You always say that when that comes up.
BARB: She’s half.
GAVIN: She’s pretty.
BURNIE: No but we did note that in Japan uhm there’s uh honestly there’s a lot of guys that go to Japan because they really like Japanese girls. We know a lot of guys like that. They seem to be comic book fans and everything else. It’s like a stereotype kind of.
GUS: Well that’s where they fit in.
BURNIE: Yeah I guess so right and uh so I’ve never really felt that way but when we went there, there’s this look that’s going on in Japan where everyone tries to look like a Barbie doll.
GUS: Oh yeah, I’ve seen that.
BURNIE: Yeah
GUS: It’s creepy.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s creepy, but it’s oddly attractive.
BARB: Achieved.
BURNIE: There you go Barb, you can go over there.
GUS: Have you seen these pictures?
BARB: I have yeah.
GUS: Oh, they’re
BARB: It’s freaky.
GUS: They’re really creepy.
BARB: Don’t they like widen their eyes and put in like these weird contacts and giant eyelashes and all that stuff?
GAVIN: I really liked Tokyo. I thought it was awesome.
BURNIE: We had a good time and
GAVIN: We had a great time.
GUS: What was your favorite thing that y’all saw there?
BURNIE: Well, we stayed at the hotel where they filmed lost in translation.
GAVIN: It is
GUS: The Park-Hyatt?
BURNIE: The Park-Hyatt.
GAVIN: By far the nicest hotel and the best service I’ve ever had in my life.
BURNIE: It was ridiculous.
GAVIN: Like people would
BARB: What’d they do for you?
GAVIN: People like walking like the cleaners will be walking through the corridors and stuff and if you just happen to walk down the same corridor they’ll just stop and bow at you and then carry on, but just like that is amazing to me. It’s just everyone drops what they’re doing to acknowledge you.
GUS: I stayed at a crappy hotel when I went to Tokyo; they did the same thing. It must be like a cultural thing.
BURNIE: And you could tell the Americans weren’t dealing with it well for instance the guy at the front desk walked us to our room after he checked us in.
GUS: Okay that’s crazy.
BURNIE: Yeah, he walked us all the way up, and then I got in this conversation with the guy. First of all, you told us Gus, “You guys don’t speak a word of Japanese,” which we don’t speak a word of Japanese, we were perfectly fine. Everyone we ran into completely spoke English.
GUS: No way, no one I ran into spoke any English the whole time I was there.
GAVIN: And there was also a lot of English text everywhere like I thought it would all be Japanese symbols. There’s English writing everywhere.
BURNIE: Even like their ads they put English in their ads.
BARB: Cause they probably have so many tourists.
GUS: It’s only like nonsense though.
BURNIE: Yeah, there wasn’t so much of that. It was really I mean at the very least you’re getting names of products that are written in Roman letters, you know?
GUS: Yeah
BURNIE: You know they’re not in Japanese. What is the Japanese language script called? I don’t even know.
GUS: Uhm uh
BURNIE: Sin-to?
GUS: No it’s, there’s a couple of different alphabets. It’s Katakana and uh Kanji.
BURNIE: Okay, there you go, but we you know there was that obviously but we saw English everywhere we went as well.
GAVIN: We al- there wasn’t a check-in desk either they like walked us to the fifth the like forty-second floor, and then we sat down at a table like a big table and we had like writing pads. I felt like we were buying a house together.
BURNIE: It did it felt like that. We were like sitting down.
BARB: Signing a lease.
BURNIE: Yeah we sat in a desk to check in.
GUS: Wait so you walked in, and somebody walked you up to the forty-second floor?
GAVIN: We got out of the we got out of the cab, and someone just took us to the reception which is on the forty-second floor.
BURNIE: The lobby of the hotel is at the forty-second floor.
GUS: Weird.
BURNIE: I it must be something beneath it like residences or something or a business.
BARB: Yeah.
GAVIN: Yeah, I took a picture inside the lift and there’s just three buttons it’s like two, forty-two, fifty-six I was like, “What?”
GUS: Wow
GAVIN: But yeah, not much choice there.
BURNIE: But, it was crazy like uh I got in the wrong elevator, and this woman behind the desk ran to stop me. Because she saw me getting in the wrong elevator, knew where I was going and she’s like, “Sir, sir, please come out go this way please. I’m so sorry.” And I’m like, “I got in the wrong elevator, you know?”
BARB: She’s sorry you got in the wrong elevator.
BURNIE: In America they’d be like eh uh forget it.
BARB: You wouldn’t even say anything.
GAVIN: He’ll be back.
BURNIE: Yeah he’ll figure it out.
BARB: He’ll figure it out.
GUS: When I was there, I realized that probably one of my favorite things involves elevators. The close door buttons there actually close doors.
BURNIE: Where was I recently that worked too? It was the hotel we stayed at at Vidcon. You could hit close door and it closed. I was like, “This is the dream.”
GUS: It’s awesome.
BURNIE: Those things are such a lie, aren’t they Gus?
GUS: Yeah.
BARB: You sit there and press it like a thousand times, hold it.
GUS: I’ve heard that supposedly when it’s in a different mode like for firefighters that they actually do work.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: Like in a maintenance mode.
BURNIE: There’s also like you look up online there’s hacks for certain brands of elevators where you can like push some buttons in a certain way in a combo of buttons and it’ll just skip all the other floors like if people are pushing the button to get on the elevator.
GUS: Oh.
GAVIN: That is awesome.
BURNIE: It’s really not awesome if you don’t know it.
GAVIN: It’s awesome.
BURNIE: It kinda ruins everything, but Japan was really fun. We ended up eating in this like little dive bar where we were like.
GAVIN: Yeah it was crammed wasn’t it?
BURNIE: Yeah we were just like shoulder to shoulder with people.
GAVIN: There was like smoke billowing out into the street from the building we were in it was funny.
BURNIE: But I know why, I know why you like Japan so much.
GUS: Why’s that?
BURNIE: Cause everybody follows the fuckin rules. Everybody, everybody follows the rules.
GUS: The rules are serious.
BURNIE: Yeah it’s like Barb over there they’re drive on the left, you know, so everything’s on the left. You pass people like walking you walk on the left. It all translates over, so like you get on an escalator. Everybody stands to the left in a perfect line, and everybody’s on one step.
GAVIN: Like one on every step it looked like something from a movie where everyone’s turned into a robot or something.
BURNIE: Yeah, it looked like like a machine.
BARB: Well I mean in a place that big with that many people there has to be order.
GUS: The most chaotic thing I encountered once I don’t, did y’all go to Shibuya?
BURNIE: Yeah, we did.
GUS: So I don’t know if when you come out of that train station there’s that Starbucks there and that super crowded intersection where everyone passes.
BURNIE: Yeah, he has footage of it.
GUS: I was there on a rainy day once, and everyone had an umbrella. So then normally it’s really chaotic when everyone’s you know crossing the street but then when you introduce the umbrella, and everyone’s having to raise or lower umbrellas without hitting each other. It was like looking at a crazy game.
BARB: That must be so funny to watch.
BURNIE: Wow.
GAVIN: That’s hilarious.
BARB: There’s gotta be footage of that on youtube somewhere, right?
GUS: I think I took a video of that.
BARB: Mmkay
GUS: I’ve got it somewhere.
BARB: I’d be curious to see that.
BURNIE: Everyone can tell he’s a tourist. You got this camera out recording the intersection. I’m sure everyone in their mind was thinking, “Aw shut up.”
BARB: We talked about this last week that convention where they group people it’s like a five hundred-thousand person convention.
GUS: Yeah, Comiket.
BARB: Yeah
GUS: Those videos you see online where they just have masses of people in line, and they just move em all in chunks.
BARB: Yeah
BURNIE: and people do it.
GUS:Yep
BARB: People do it.
BURNIE: They get it. Like we were amazed they had uh oh the cabs there too the doors just open on their own. That was kinda cool, you know?
GAVIN: And every seat has like a white tablecloth over it which is weird.
BURNIE: What do you mean? I don’t remember that.
GAVIN: Like all the seats were covered in a white fabric.
BURNIE: Oh I didn’t notice that.
GUS: When I was there, I only got in a cab like three times, but each time it was like a super super old dude driving. Was it the same for you guys, like really old dudes?
BURNIE: Pretty much, yeah.
GUS: Like no one young drives a cab.
BARB: Maybe they’re coverages in case you make a twosie.
BURNIE: That’s right that’s why they give you your napkin.
GUS: You don’t want to see where the budai comes out in the fuckin taxi.
BURNIE: But that was a lot of fun, and then we also uh we went over to Wellington and
BARB: Yeah, I think uh Gavin tweeted something where it was like he’s in Wellington, New Zealand with an American sim card on an English phone. I forget, what was the other one?
GUS: Made in China.
GAVIN: Made in China and I was texting someone in Australia, so it was like a really odd, odd text message.
BURNIE: So one of the things that happened that brought up sim cards was I, in Sydney our first stop, on the second day I left my phone in the cab, and it was this big arduous process to get my phone back.
GAVIN: And that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
BURNIE: It
GAVIN: Cause when you’ve got two people travelling with one phone, and it’s your phone, it’s the worst.
GUS: So did you get it back?
BURNIE: I did, I got my phone back, and it took forever to do it. It was like a long process to get my phone back. It was a big big pain in the ass, and the entire time Gavin’s like, “I can’t believe you left your phone in the cab.” And he wouldn’t freaking drop it the entire time it’s like even when after we got it all settled he’s like, “You left your phone in the cab you’re an idiot.” Every time I’d stand up to make sure I had everything he’d be like, “Yeah, you better.”
GAVIN: You would be so paranoid, and still leave stuff everywhere by the way. He loses stuff.. You’re the most unorganized person I know.
BARB: Yeah.
BURNIE: What did I tell you? People hand me shit, don’t hand me stuff. Somebody handed me a t-shirt that’s why I lost track of. Cause you have pats you do. I have this wallet here, I have this phone, I have keys, and I do the pat like all guys do.
GUS: Yep.
GAVIN: The man pat.
BURNIE: That’s it, but then people are handing me t-shirts and cups I gotta carry away. It’s like FUCK, and so then I lost my cab because I was keeping track of some goddamn t-shirt somebody gave me. Thanks for the t-shirt by the way. I don’t wanna sound ungrateful. So, Gavin the entire time is just ridiculing me for leaving stuff behind even though all I did was leave, well I did leave my ATM in the ATM machine, my card, but he was just ridiculing me the entire time, and we get back to Austin. And, we’re out in front, the gates were closed here cause we got in at like eleven at night, and we get out of the cab and we’re doing everything. Goddamn if I don’t look into the cab to make sure I’m not leaving anything behind; there’s Gavin’s cell phone sitting in the back seat of the cab.
BARB: Did you almost not want to tell him?
BURNIE: Do you Barb, I was so prepared to that phone just drive away and just go, “Ha ha ha.”
GUS: You shoulda just put it in your pocket and just been like hey Gav can I see your phone?
BURNIE: That’s the other thing, I coulda pranked the hell out of him by taking the phone, and just letting him be miserable.
GAVIN: I was trying to get his bag out of the back, I was also trying to find the clicker to open the gate.
BURNIE: See, you were taking care of other shit, and then it happened.
BARB: I can’t believe you lost your phone.
GAVIN: I know, and then
BURNIE: Because he had other responsibilities
GAVIN: Then he was looking at me obviously trying to hold in the biggest grin in the world. He was just looking right at me and he was just.
BURNIE: Yeah I had a pretty good tell going on. I was like shaking while I was like trying not to laugh and smile, but see that’s the thing that aggravated me about Gav constantly making fun of me because Gav’s on the trip we go all these places Gav’s on the trip, not a care in the world. Gav, what time’s our flight? Don’t know. Where are we staying? Don’t know. He’s like meh I dunno. He’s like supposed to know. He knew nothing about the trip the entire time. In fact I was thinking I shouldn’t even tell him which cities we’re in, so he wouldn’t know where we were.
GUS: Or just get on a plane, he’ll be like, “Where are we going?” I dunno wherever the plane takes us.
BURNIE: Once again, two and a half weeks with Gavin, I never saw his wallet not one time did I see his wallet.
GUS: Did you pay for anything, how much money did you spend on this trip?
GAVIN: Uh quite a bit on various food and stuff.
GUS: Really?
BURNIE: When did you buy food?
GAVIN: When you weren’t there.
BURNIE: In fact we were on the last leg of the trip coming back from Vidcon which we should talk about in a second, but we were coming from L.A. to Austin from Vidcon, and we were gonna, we were gonna, we had the option to upgrade to first class I thought, “How much is that?” It’s ninety bucks for a four hour flight to get first class I’m like, “That’s worth it.” Right Gus, you agree?
BARB: Yeah.
GUS: No-brainer.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s like, “It’s the last flight, let’s just do it.”
BARB: Only ninety bucks?
BURNIE: Yeah it was ninety bucks. They have thing where you do segments and you build up a bank of them on American Airlines.
BARB: Gotcha.
BURNIE: So I said, “Gav should we do this?” He goes, “Absolutely, let’s do it.” But, on the trip he qualified because he got so many miles, he qualified for gold on American.
GAVIN: I’m gold status now just from that one trip.
BURNIE: He’s gold status now from our trip from all the miles he racked up, so when we went to go upgrade normally since I was the one who was gold and he wasn’t.
BARB: No.
BURNIE: It’s like, are we reaching the end of that part of history?
BARB: I don’t think so.
GUS: No, I think beards have made a resurgence.
BURNIE: No no I’m saying they’ve obviously come back in the last few years, but like when do they go out of vogue again? It’s like all the dudes I see now have beards, and I’m a guy with a beard.
BARB: Twenty twenty-two[2022]
GAVIN: What was the point in evolution of facial hair for a man?
GUS: Keeps you warm.
GAVIN: What about the women?
GUS: We’re out hunting.
BARB: Yeah we’re inside cooking.
GAVIN: So they didn’t get beards cause they stayed inside?
BURNIE: It’s a good point though why do we have different hair patterns?
GUS: I don’t know..
BURNIE: Why why is that?
BARB: That is weird now that I think about it.
GUS: Beats me.
GAVIN: Speaking of like
BURNIE: That’s the only difference
GUS: Women have some hair, right, but it’s like a peach fuzz it doesn’t grow into the coarse beard hair.
BURNIE: If you’re lucky.
BARB: I shave my beard once a day just to make sure.
GUS: I went to highschool with a girl with a beard.
BARB: Are you serious?
GUS: Yeah, it was gross cause when she shaved it left like a green tinge. Like it wasn’t dirty it was just like you could see the stubble.
BURNIE: It’s called stubble. It’s called she had five-o’clock shadow.
GUS: And it looked kinda greenish. It was so gross.
BURNIE: She looked like Don Draper.
BARB: It looked green?
GUS: Yeah, it was disgusting.
BARB: What the hell?
BURNIE: Dude, Jon Hamm who plays Don Draper he’s like one of those guys that like will shave and then immediately get five-o’clock shadow.
GUS: I have that problem cause like my face is so white and my hair is so dark that when I shave, you can still see it.
BURNIE: You really are the palest Hispanic person I have ever met in my life.
GUS: Yeah, I’m pretty pale.
BARB: Have you met Ray?
BURNIE: What’s that?
GUS: Nah, Ray’s darker than I am.
BARB: Is he?
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: What’s Ray? Is Ray Puerto Rican?
BARB: Puerto Rican.
GAVIN: I’m darker than both of you.
GUS: Yeah, you are.
BARB: Dude, I’m getting a tan. Have you seen?
GAVIN: Nice! Check that out.
BURNIE: Yeah Gavin and Barbara are suffering through their first Austin summer.
GAVIN: I- I’ve done it before.
BARB: I haven't.
BURNIE: Oh yeah, have you been here in the summer? I guess you were here for Recreation, yeah.
GAVIN: Yeah.
BURNIE: Sorry.
GAVIN: You went to Tokyo.
GUS: Yeah, I went to Tokyo.
GAVIN: Did you have like the toilet that wipes for you?
GUS: Yep, the budai?
GAVIN: And by wipe I mean it squirts.
GUS: Did you have like one of those crazy electronic toilets that like had all the control panels?
GAVIN: Yeah yeah, so the first thing I do I looked at it and I was like all I see all these buttons there’s like different levels of spray and stuff. The first thing i do is turn the water pressure to the maximum, obviously.
GUS: Yes
GAVIN: Of course
BARB: On purpose?
GAVIN: Yeah, and then uh dropped a twosie and then so I pressed the button I was like wonder if I should like maybe.
BURNIE: By the way Barbara he told me like every time every time he went to the bathroom he told me on the trip. He’s so proud of it.
BARB: He came up smiling, “Dropped a twosie.”
GAVIN: So then I uh pressed the spray button, and there’s like maybe a four second period of just whirring so I finished I pressed it and it goes like ghooo-pachoo-pachoo and it just goes like patchoo, but the aim was incredible. It like it nailed I don’t know if I was just like happened to be standing in the right position.
GUS: I wonder if they have like some kind of sphincter sensor to look for your asshole.
BURNIE: Where do you test that?
GAVIN: It got me right in the cornhole.
GUS: I’ll bet you felt super clean after that.
BARB: Oh god
GAVIN: And then I was getting it to spray like out of the toilet so I could see the thing that came up.
GUS: Gross! Why would you do that?
GAVIN: No no I was just trying to see what the thing was that did it.
BARB: I am so attracted to you right now.
GAVIN: If you’re not sat on the toilet it won’t come out, so I was like huh maybe it’s a weight thing and I realized it’s got a little infrared sensor just to the side, so I put my foot on it and then I pressed the button, and I forgot that I turned the water pressure all the way up.
GUS: Oh my god
BARB: Oh no
GAVIN: It just comes out the back of the toilet and just goes patchoo and it got the wall on the other side of the room,
GUS: Oh my god.
GAVIN: it was a tiny little room, but like it just went all over the wall it was just like this powerful jet and I had to stop it but it was fun. I tried to get BURNIE to
BURNIE: He tried to get me to stand in the way of the stream of the butt sprayer and he thought I would do this.
GAVIN: I bet Burnie ten-thousand yen to stand in front of it.
GUS: Ten-thousand yen? That’s like a hundred bucks.
BURNIE: It’s exactly a hundred bucks.
GAVIN: To stand in front of the jet, but he wouldn’t do it.
BURNIE: He tried for about an hour to get me to do that.
BARB: You love making stupid bets.
GAVIN: I do.
BARB: You love it.
GAVIN: I do.
BURNIE: He also he won’t do anything himself he just tries to get everyone
GAVIN: Nobody pays me to do anything though.
GUS: Because he wants to film it.
BURNIE: I was going to pay you to. What was I offered to pay you to do something I forget what it was now, and you refused.
GAVIN: That was to go get a girl’s phone number.
BURNIE: Oh, yeah.
BARB: You wouldn’t do it?
GAVIN: No
BURNIE: There was a girl, Barb, there was a girl at the luggage rack in Austin where we claim our bags
BARB: Luggage rack,
BURNIE: Luggage rack..
BARB: winky face.
BURNIE: And she was staring down Gavin over and over again. I said, “Why does this girl keep looking in our direction?” And then it was, “Oh, she’s looking directly at Gavin.” And so finally I said to Gavin, “You gotta go get this girl's phone number.” And he’s like, “Nah, not gonna do it.” And I bet him, What did I bet you?
GAVIN: Two-hundred bucks.
BURNIE: Yeah two-hundred bucks.
BARB: Why didn't you do it?
GAVIN: I had just been on like a eleven hour flight
BURNIE: Nope
GAVIN: And I looked like
BARB: Who cares?
BURNIE: Gavin has a deep-seated fear of rejection
GAVIN: I think, doesn’t everyone?
BURNIE: Nope, I don’t think so.
BARB: First of all you get to talk to a pretty girl, and you get two-hundred bucks. It’s like a win-win.
GUS: Was she not white cause I’m convinced Gavin’s dick is racist.
BURNIE: Oh really, why do you think that?
GUS: I’ve never heard him say that a non-white woman is attractive. I’m always like, “What about her?”
GAVIN: Halle Berry!
GUS: a super hot non-white woman, and he’s like, “No, no.”
BURNIE: You always say Halle Berry. You always say that when that comes up.
BARB: She’s half.
GAVIN: She’s pretty.
BURNIE: No but we did note that in Japan uhm there’s uh honestly there’s a lot of guys that go to Japan because they really like Japanese girls. We know a lot of guys like that. They seem to be comic book fans and everything else. It’s like a stereotype kind of.
GUS: Well that’s where they fit in.
BURNIE: Yeah I guess so right and uh so I’ve never really felt that way but when we went there, there’s this look that’s going on in Japan where everyone tries to look like a Barbie doll.
GUS: Oh yeah, I’ve seen that.
BURNIE: Yeah
GUS: It’s creepy.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s creepy, but it’s oddly attractive.
BARB: Achieved.
BURNIE: There you go Barb, you can go over there.
GUS: Have you seen these pictures?
BARB: I have yeah.
GUS: Oh, they’re
BARB: It’s freaky.
GUS: They’re really creepy.
BARB: Don’t they like widen their eyes and put in like these weird contacts and giant eyelashes and all that stuff?
GAVIN: I really liked Tokyo. I thought it was awesome.
BURNIE: We had a good time and
GAVIN: We had a great time.
GUS: What was your favorite thing that y’all saw there?
BURNIE: Well, we stayed at the hotel where they filmed lost in translation.
GAVIN: It is
GUS: The Park-Hyatt?
BURNIE: The Park-Hyatt.
GAVIN: By far the nicest hotel and the best service I’ve ever had in my life.
BURNIE: It was ridiculous.
GAVIN: Like people would
BARB: What’d they do for you?
GAVIN: People like walking like the cleaners will be walking through the corridors and stuff and if you just happen to walk down the same corridor they’ll just stop and bow at you and then carry on, but just like that is amazing to me. It’s just everyone drops what they’re doing to acknowledge you.
GUS: I stayed at a crappy hotel when I went to Tokyo; they did the same thing. It must be like a cultural thing.
BURNIE: And you could tell the Americans weren’t dealing with it well for instance the guy at the front desk walked us to our room after he checked us in.
GUS: Okay that’s crazy.
BURNIE: Yeah, he walked us all the way up, and then I got in this conversation with the guy. First of all, you told us Gus, “You guys don’t speak a word of Japanese,” which we don’t speak a word of Japanese, we were perfectly fine. Everyone we ran into completely spoke English.
GUS: No way, no one I ran into spoke any English the whole time I was there.
GAVIN: And there was also a lot of English text everywhere like I thought it would all be Japanese symbols. There’s English writing everywhere.
BURNIE: Even like their ads they put English in their ads.
BARB: Cause they probably have so many tourists.
GUS: It’s only like nonsense though.
BURNIE: Yeah, there wasn’t so much of that. It was really I mean at the very least you’re getting names of products that are written in Roman letters, you know?
GUS: Yeah
BURNIE: You know they’re not in Japanese. What is the Japanese language script called? I don’t even know.
GUS: Uhm uh
BURNIE: Sin-to?
GUS: No it’s, there’s a couple of different alphabets. It’s Katakana and uh Kanji.
BURNIE: Okay, there you go, but we you know there was that obviously but we saw English everywhere we went as well.
GAVIN: We al- there wasn’t a check-in desk either they like walked us to the fifth the like forty-second floor, and then we sat down at a table like a big table and we had like writing pads. I felt like we were buying a house together.
BURNIE: It did it felt like that. We were like sitting down.
BARB: Signing a lease.
BURNIE: Yeah we sat in a desk to check in.
GUS: Wait so you walked in, and somebody walked you up to the forty-second floor?
GAVIN: We got out of the we got out of the cab, and someone just took us to the reception which is on the forty-second floor.
BURNIE: The lobby of the hotel is at the forty-second floor.
GUS: Weird.
BURNIE: I it must be something beneath it like residences or something or a business.
BARB: Yeah.
GAVIN: Yeah, I took a picture inside the lift and there’s just three buttons it’s like two, forty-two, fifty-six I was like, “What?”
GUS: Wow
GAVIN: But yeah, not much choice there.
BURNIE: But, it was crazy like uh I got in the wrong elevator, and this woman behind the desk ran to stop me. Because she saw me getting in the wrong elevator, knew where I was going and she’s like, “Sir, sir, please come out go this way please. I’m so sorry.” And I’m like, “I got in the wrong elevator, you know?”
BARB: She’s sorry you got in the wrong elevator.
BURNIE: In America they’d be like eh uh forget it.
BARB: You wouldn’t even say anything.
GAVIN: He’ll be back.
BURNIE: Yeah he’ll figure it out.
BARB: He’ll figure it out.
GUS: When I was there, I realized that probably one of my favorite things involves elevators. The close door buttons there actually close doors.
BURNIE: Where was I recently that worked too? It was the hotel we stayed at at Vidcon. You could hit close door and it closed. I was like, “This is the dream.”
GUS: It’s awesome.
BURNIE: Those things are such a lie, aren’t they Gus?
GUS: Yeah.
BARB: You sit there and press it like a thousand times, hold it.
GUS: I’ve heard that supposedly when it’s in a different mode like for firefighters that they actually do work.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: Like in a maintenance mode.
BURNIE: There’s also like you look up online there’s hacks for certain brands of elevators where you can like push some buttons in a certain way in a combo of buttons and it’ll just skip all the other floors like if people are pushing the button to get on the elevator.
GUS: Oh.
GAVIN: That is awesome.
BURNIE: It’s really not awesome if you don’t know it.
GAVIN: It’s awesome.
BURNIE: It kinda ruins everything, but Japan was really fun. We ended up eating in this like little dive bar where we were like.
GAVIN: Yeah it was crammed wasn’t it?
BURNIE: Yeah we were just like shoulder to shoulder with people.
GAVIN: There was like smoke billowing out into the street from the building we were in it was funny.
BURNIE: But I know why, I know why you like Japan so much.
GUS: Why’s that?
BURNIE: Cause everybody follows the fuckin rules. Everybody, everybody follows the rules.
GUS: The rules are serious.
BURNIE: Yeah it’s like Barb over there they’re drive on the left, you know, so everything’s on the left. You pass people like walking you walk on the left. It all translates over, so like you get on an escalator. Everybody stands to the left in a perfect line, and everybody’s on one step.
GAVIN: Like one on every step it looked like something from a movie where everyone’s turned into a robot or something.
BURNIE: Yeah, it looked like like a machine.
BARB: Well I mean in a place that big with that many people there has to be order.
GUS: The most chaotic thing I encountered once I don’t, did y’all go to Shibuya?
BURNIE: Yeah, we did.
GUS: So I don’t know if when you come out of that train station there’s that Starbucks there and that super crowded intersection where everyone passes.
BURNIE: Yeah, he has footage of it.
GUS: I was there on a rainy day once, and everyone had an umbrella. So then normally it’s really chaotic when everyone’s you know crossing the street but then when you introduce the umbrella, and everyone’s having to raise or lower umbrellas without hitting each other. It was like looking at a crazy game.
BARB: That must be so funny to watch.
BURNIE: Wow.
GAVIN: That’s hilarious.
BARB: There’s gotta be footage of that on youtube somewhere, right?
GUS: I think I took a video of that.
BARB: Mmkay
GUS: I’ve got it somewhere.
BARB: I’d be curious to see that.
BURNIE: Everyone can tell he’s a tourist. You got this camera out recording the intersection. I’m sure everyone in their mind was thinking, “Aw shut up.”
BARB: We talked about this last week that convention where they group people it’s like a five hundred-thousand person convention.
GUS: Yeah, Comiket.
BARB: Yeah
GUS: Those videos you see online where they just have masses of people in line, and they just move em all in chunks.
BARB: Yeah
BURNIE: and people do it.
GUS:Yep
BARB: People do it.
BURNIE: They get it. Like we were amazed they had uh oh the cabs there too the doors just open on their own. That was kinda cool, you know?
GAVIN: And every seat has like a white tablecloth over it which is weird.
BURNIE: What do you mean? I don’t remember that.
GAVIN: Like all the seats were covered in a white fabric.
BURNIE: Oh I didn’t notice that.
GUS: When I was there, I only got in a cab like three times, but each time it was like a super super old dude driving. Was it the same for you guys, like really old dudes?
BURNIE: Pretty much, yeah.
GUS: Like no one young drives a cab.
BARB: Maybe they’re coverages in case you make a twosie.
BURNIE: That’s right that’s why they give you your napkin.
GUS: You don’t want to see where the budai comes out in the fuckin taxi.
BURNIE: But that was a lot of fun, and then we also uh we went over to Wellington and
BARB: Yeah, I think uh Gavin tweeted something where it was like he’s in Wellington, New Zealand with an American sim card on an English phone. I forget, what was the other one?
GUS: Made in China.
GAVIN: Made in China and I was texting someone in Australia, so it was like a really odd, odd text message.
BURNIE: So one of the things that happened that brought up sim cards was I, in Sydney our first stop, on the second day I left my phone in the cab, and it was this big arduous process to get my phone back.
GAVIN: And that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
BURNIE: It
GAVIN: Cause when you’ve got two people travelling with one phone, and it’s your phone, it’s the worst.
GUS: So did you get it back?
BURNIE: I did, I got my phone back, and it took forever to do it. It was like a long process to get my phone back. It was a big big pain in the ass, and the entire time Gavin’s like, “I can’t believe you left your phone in the cab.” And he wouldn’t freaking drop it the entire time it’s like even when after we got it all settled he’s like, “You left your phone in the cab you’re an idiot.” Every time I’d stand up to make sure I had everything he’d be like, “Yeah, you better.”
GAVIN: You would be so paranoid, and still leave stuff everywhere by the way. He loses stuff.. You’re the most unorganized person I know.
BARB: Yeah.
BURNIE: What did I tell you? People hand me shit, don’t hand me stuff. Somebody handed me a t-shirt that’s why I lost track of. Cause you have pats you do. I have this wallet here, I have this phone, I have keys, and I do the pat like all guys do.
GUS: Yep.
GAVIN: The man pat.
BURNIE: That’s it, but then people are handing me t-shirts and cups I gotta carry away. It’s like FUCK, and so then I lost my cab because I was keeping track of some goddamn t-shirt somebody gave me. Thanks for the t-shirt by the way. I don’t wanna sound ungrateful. So, Gavin the entire time is just ridiculing me for leaving stuff behind even though all I did was leave, well I did leave my ATM in the ATM machine, my card, but he was just ridiculing me the entire time, and we get back to Austin. And, we’re out in front, the gates were closed here cause we got in at like eleven at night, and we get out of the cab and we’re doing everything. Goddamn if I don’t look into the cab to make sure I’m not leaving anything behind; there’s Gavin’s cell phone sitting in the back seat of the cab.
BARB: Did you almost not want to tell him?
BURNIE: Do you Barb, I was so prepared to that phone just drive away and just go, “Ha ha ha.”
GUS: You shoulda just put it in your pocket and just been like hey Gav can I see your phone?
BURNIE: That’s the other thing, I coulda pranked the hell out of him by taking the phone, and just letting him be miserable.
GAVIN: I was trying to get his bag out of the back, I was also trying to find the clicker to open the gate.
BURNIE: See, you were taking care of other shit, and then it happened.
BARB: I can’t believe you lost your phone.
GAVIN: I know, and then
BURNIE: Because he had other responsibilities
GAVIN: Then he was looking at me obviously trying to hold in the biggest grin in the world. He was just looking right at me and he was just.
BURNIE: Yeah I had a pretty good tell going on. I was like shaking while I was like trying not to laugh and smile, but see that’s the thing that aggravated me about Gav constantly making fun of me because Gav’s on the trip we go all these places Gav’s on the trip, not a care in the world. Gav, what time’s our flight? Don’t know. Where are we staying? Don’t know. He’s like meh I dunno. He’s like supposed to know. He knew nothing about the trip the entire time. In fact I was thinking I shouldn’t even tell him which cities we’re in, so he wouldn’t know where we were.
GUS: Or just get on a plane, he’ll be like, “Where are we going?” I dunno wherever the plane takes us.
BURNIE: Once again, two and a half weeks with Gavin, I never saw his wallet not one time did I see his wallet.
GUS: Did you pay for anything, how much money did you spend on this trip?
GAVIN: Uh quite a bit on various food and stuff.
GUS: Really?
BURNIE: When did you buy food?
GAVIN: When you weren’t there.
BURNIE: In fact we were on the last leg of the trip coming back from Vidcon which we should talk about in a second, but we were coming from L.A. to Austin from Vidcon, and we were gonna, we were gonna, we had the option to upgrade to first class I thought, “How much is that?” It’s ninety bucks for a four hour flight to get first class I’m like, “That’s worth it.” Right Gus, you agree?
BARB: Yeah.
GUS: No-brainer.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s like, “It’s the last flight, let’s just do it.”
BARB: Only ninety bucks?
BURNIE: Yeah it was ninety bucks. They have thing where you do segments and you build up a bank of them on American Airlines.
BARB: Gotcha.
BURNIE: So I said, “Gav should we do this?” He goes, “Absolutely, let’s do it.” But, on the trip he qualified because he got so many miles, he qualified for gold on American.
GAVIN: I’m gold status now just from that one trip.
BURNIE: He’s gold status now from our trip from all the miles he racked up, so when we went to go upgrade normally since I was the one who was gold and he wasn’t.