1:00:00-1:30:00
BURNIE: Right. True Blood on AMC. It doesn’t make any sense, and it doesn’t say True Blood anywhere in the ad. It’s just blood.
GUS: Wait. True Blood is on HBO.
LINDSAY: I thought it’s on HBO.
BURNIE: Yeah. It’s on HBO, it was on AMC that I saw it.
GUS: Oh!
LINDSAY: Oh. Ok.
JOEL: Isn’t, I guess AMC is having trouble with the dish network, right? Right now?
BURNIE: Yeah. Viacom.
JOEL: Viacom.
BURNIE: Viacom took uh everything off of dish. That includes CBS MTV..
GUS: That’s happened..
BURNIE: I know AMC, but apparently, AMC is …
GUS: I had never heard of this kind of problem before maybe three or four years ago, and
now it seems like every couple months..
BURNIE: Yeah, yeah.
GUS: There’s a cable provider that’s having trouble with their network, or is dropping
JOEL: Yeah, I mean this podcast, I didn’t, but I guess you guys predicted this. That this was
gonna happen. That this was gonna happen, years ago, and it’s happening.
BURNIE: This was the subject of my keynote speech for South by Southwest, in like 2006, I
think.
GUS: I think it was earlier, it was like ’05 maybe.
BURNIE: I don’t know. Really?
JOEL: Like, people who, people on some of the business shows were commenting on it
and they were saying, basically, content wins every time. No, whoever’s producing the
contents gonna win.
GUS: Mmmhmm.
JOEL: So.. Why don’t we just get to that point and move on?
BURNIE: Yeah, I mean the access providers for a long, long time enjoyed the fact that, you
know, they kind of held everything hostage, but now, especially because of the internet..
GUS: What, what a funny name. They’re access providers and they enjoyed the fact that
they held it all hostage.
BURNIE: I know, right? Pretty much. You want access to our products, and you want access
to all the homes, you have to..
LINDSAY: Here’s the deal.
BURNIE: Where, they made money getting the content, they make money giving the
content, you know, it’s just crazy!
GUS: Yeah, and now, they’re providing access to the internet, which has undermined that
whole other business.
BURNIE: Right! So Time Warner has a big cable division, and essentially an IP division, I
mean internet protocol division, where they deliver data, and people like Netflix and Hulu
are enjoying that, and meanwhile on the other side of Time Warner’s business, they’re
watching all their video demand, which is, video on-demand, which is a huge part of
everything, just dropping. What would you do? I mean, you would find a way to cap your
bandwidth side. You know, and just make more money, and figure out a way to get Netflix
and Hulu to get the fuck out of there.
JOEL: Do you think this is gonna work out in the end?
BURNIE: I think guh, there’s always this rumor that Google is building another internet.
LINDSAY: Are you, whaaat?
BURNIE: It’s kind of like, like what was that movie,
JOEL: That’s been around for a while.
BURNIE: What was that movie with Jodie Foster where they built another machine to send
her into space?
GUS: Oh, uh um, uh.
BURNIE: Contact.
GUS: Oh yes.
BURNIE: Yeah. And, uh, spoiler if you haven’t seen Contact with Matthew McConaughey,
and Jodie Foster, but, like Google’s just gonna go, “Yeah, the internet is fucked up, here’s
our internet, a new one, which we’ve been building this whole time”
GUS: Well, they’re building that high speed internet access, where was it? Wasn’t it in
Topeka, or someplace?
JOEL: Yeah, uh I don’t know.
GUS: Didn’t they, yeah they, I remember the contest where the cities could apply to get the
like the Google fiber. And, I don’t see why they wouldn’t do it.
LINDSAY: Yeah, cool.
GUS: Like, already they want to monitor your traffic to better target ads to you. Why
wouldn’t they just monitor all your traffic data, and not just your search if they run the access.
Like, we’ll give you free internet, we’ll just gonna monitor everything you do..
JOEL: It’s just kinda creepy because we started with AOL, and now we’re gonna go full
circle back around to AOL, again, except for now it’s gonna be called Google.
BURNIE: Right. That always happens, like we were, we were talking about the sale of
Diggs, you hear about that this week?
JOEL: No.
BURNIE: Ok. Not to go back too far, but Digg sold this week. You know Digg.com?
JOEL: Vaguely, yes.
BURNIE: Ok, so it was a big social media site…
JOEL: Oh yeahyeahyeah
BURNIE: They sold this week. Any..
JOEL: To who?
BURNIE: God! I can’t even tell you the name of the company. It’s the internet start-up that’s
gonna merge it with news.me…
JOEL: Uhhuh..
BURNIE: How much do you think Digg sold for today in 2012?
KARA: My assistance is needed?
BURNIE: Wild guess!
JOEL: 200 million!
BURNIE: For $500,000
LINDSAY: Did you text her?
JOEL: Wooooooooah!
BURNIE: Yeah. That’s where that thing had fallen to. So yeah, that’s what we were talking
about..
JOEL: Wooooooah!
BURNIE: The window of like, when these businesses are big, versus when people get out
of them. We talked about ff, Myspace and Facebook.
JOEL: Do you think Facebook will ever, I guess it..
BURNIE: Listen..
JOEL: I guess it will diminish at least a little bit, but..
BURNIE: Everything..
JOEL: Do you think it’s gonna go off radar completely?
BURNIE: Absolutely!
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Soon?
BURNIE: Here’s why..
LINDSAY: It’s already diminished because of Twitter. Everyone in my sister’s grade and
lower says
BURNIE: yeah
JOEL: Right.
LINDSAY: fuck Facebook.
GUS: The problem they’re having, and I think that’s the problem everyone’s identifies, sorry,
I didn’t mean to derail, butt in here.
BURNIE: Go!
GUS: is mobile. That’s what’s killing everyone. There’s no way for them to monetize it, and,
and it’s increasing market.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: It’s gonna kill em.
BURNIE: There’s also the long march. Which is young people eventually take over, and it’s
hard to believe for people who are 20 and 21 now, but there’s gonna be people who are
20, ten years from now who aren’t gonna want to be on Facebook with your old ass.
LINDSAY: No!
BURNIE: They’re just not gonna want it anymore
LINDSAY: They’re already don’t want to be on Facebook with a lot of people, older than
me.
JOEL: Well, right, I mean no one wants to be on Facebook, we just don’t have a choice
because there’s everyone we know on Facebook. It just gets to the point where everyone’s
mom’s on Facebook when it’s definitely gonna be lights out.
MILES: Oh God. It’s gonna…
LINDSAY: If I saw my mom on Facebook…
BURNIE: Just like we’ve been doing Red versus Blue, Myspace usurped the personal
homepage. I didn’t think that was even possible. I thought that was the basic atomic unit of
the internet, essentially. Myspace got rid of the personal homepage, then Facebook, after
Myspace had a hold on everything, on everything, Facebook came and took it all away.
And now look at Digg!
JOEL: Though Myspace did a lot of wrong thing, like you know? A lot of things wrong.
GUS: Well, Myspace let its users do a lot of things wrong, is the problem.
JOEL: Well, sure.
BURNIE: Myspace also focused on music. That ain't a bad thing. I mean, it usually, music
dominates a lot of stuff. I mean even when we look at the metrics on Youtube..
LINDSAY: A lot of band pages on Myspace.
BURNIE: They will take, yeah, they will take away uh, the music metrics on Youtube
because they always overpower everything else. Because a music video might get
450,000,000 views.
JOEL: And ironically, that’s what really, really started chasing me away from Myspace. It got
to the point where everyone was like, “Hey, come listen to my band. Come listen to my
band”
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: It was, it was like walking through a cyber café of college students who all had
college bands.
LINDSAY: And remember when everyone had picture after picture everywhere?
JOEL: Like flyers everywhere
BURNIE: That’s a great way to put it. Or it’s like, load page, hit pause. That was, that was
the thing. That was the thing
LINDSAY: Yeah. Yup. I don’t care about your background music, please stop.
MILES: I don’t want to listen to that shit.
JOEL: Yeah, that,that. That that, should be licensed. You have to like put down…
LINDSAY: I’m glad you like Dashboard Confessional. thanks anyway..
BURNIE: Everything, everything changes eventually. Like everything changes, and that’s
the main thing.
GUS: Yeah. You know like currently there’s the biggest threat for Facebook is mobile and Twitter, you know? Those are the big ones, but the other thing is how’s Twitter making money? I guarantee you they’re not profitable!
BURNIE: I don’t know…
GUS: They’re still living off of venture capital..
MILES: No clue.
GUS: They’re gonna kill Facebook..
JOEL: It seems..
GUS: And not make any money doing it!
JOEL: You can know nothing about the internet, and like be on Twitter and just get like the
random tweet ad, and like it rubs everyone the wrong way. I don’t know of a single person
who’s like..
LINDSAY: Yes.
JOEL: I don’t, the thing is that I buy stuff. Like if they could pair up with I’m looking for, like
throw me a beer tweet. You throw me a beer tweet, it’s fine. Have they thrown me a beer
tweet? They have not thrown me a beer tweet.
GUS: I’ve, yeah. I, they’ve got a problem. They don’t know if you’re over 21 or whatever, 21.
LINDSAY: I usually get a like menopause ads like on my Facebook. It’s like thanks. That’s
cool.
GUS: Yeah. I’ve gotten, honestly, I’ve got no problems with the way Twitter handles ads or
promoted tweets. I think they’re fine, uh I don’t think I’ve ever purchased anything through
promoted tweet, but I’ll read them..
JOEL: I really, really like Twitter, I love Twitter, and you’re right. The ads don’t bother me
enough that I would stop using uh Twitter, but I don’t follow through on the ads there, but
yeah. You know?
LINDSAY: I just ignore them.
BURNIE: So, you know Instagram sold to Facebook?
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: For a billion dollars?
JOEL: Yeah.
MILES: Which was amazing.
BURNIE: Have you guys..
JOEL: How many.. How many.. a million dollars
GUS: I just want to float it out there again.
JOEL: Yes.
GUS: If Facebook wants to buy us, we will sell for two billion dollars.
BURNIE: Absolutely!
MILES: Offers…
LINDSAY: Roosterface..
GUS: I have the authority to execute this transaction
JOEL: And Zuckerberg went out, and
BURNIE: No you don’t..
JOEL: And Zuckerberg went out on his own and did that. Like he was basically like, I’m like
gonna do this. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m doing it. And he did it. Is how that
happened.
GUS: Really? Wow.
JOEL: Well, yeah. I mean, that’s how he wants it, right?
BURNIE: Have you guys seen the new thing, that’s like kinda catching on, like Instagram?
GUS: You mean like Cinegraph?
BURNIE: Yeah. The Cinegrams. Yeah.
JOEL: Yeah. Those are cute.. like I mean for
MILES: Cinegram?
BURNIE: Yeah. It’s like when you take the photo with, what I think Jack talked about it
LINDSAY: Yeah. Burnie showed these to me the other day, and they blew my mind.
GUS: Jack talked about them when you were in Australia.
MILES: What is.. What is that? What is a Cinegram?
LINDSAY: They’re really cool.
BURNIE: It’s like you take a photo, but you’re taking a video, and then you only animate a
portion of the frame.
MILES: Ooh.
LINDSAY: You can make really cool gifs with it.
GUS: It makes amazing gifs.
LINDSAY: That’s like the only reason I got it.
BURNIE: It’s pretty cool.
MILES: I remember the first time I saw one of those. It was really cool. It was like a person
reading the newspaper in New York, or something, and it looked like a picture and then
they turned the page, and my mind exploded.
LINDSAY: Yeah. He showed me.
MILES: Now everyone can do that?
BURNIE: Yeah.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: That’s kind of weird..
LINDSAY: Yeah. I saw this one where the girl’s hair was waving, and it’s like, “Ooh it’s like
a Harry Potter painting!” Where they’re supposed to be like, moving.
BURNIE: Yeah, you know? It’s really crazy like how the path that something goes from like,
“Wow! That can be done?!” to “Now it’s an app and everyone can do it”
MILES: Yeah. That’s how I felt about Instagram. Like, you know, it’s just like there’s three
different filters that make you look really deep, and like a good photographer.
GUS: Now..
LINDSAY: Those fuckin school kids!
MILES: Now everyone can do it.
GUS: Now everyone can ruin pictures, together.
LINDSAY: Yaaay!
GUS: Thanks, iPhone!
MILES: Do you want a black and white photo of a lawnchair? There you go!
LINDSAY: I’d like my burger in sepia, please? Thank you.
MILES: Pardon?
GUS: I think when you download Instagram, it should automatically have a back catalogue
of artsy photos as well. It’s like, “This is mine. This is my catalogue of work.”
MILES: Oh God..
GUS: I took a picture of it.
LINDSAY: Can you check out my portfolio?
GUS: I took a picture of this rose in the rain..
MILES: Man, I’m not gonna lie. When I first got it, I was like, man, I can take good pictures,
and after a while, I looked at everyone else, and I was like, “Man, I’m a fuckin asshole!”
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: The worst is when people do that, and they don’t, like they don’t save the original, like
that’s all they’ve got is that fucking shitty picture.
LINDSAY: I usually associate it with, and not to be stereotypical, but I usually associate it
with the college girl with the big blonde hair that’s like, “Yeah! Out with the girls!” And then
they’ll all tweet pictures and like make it all cool, and like artsy with it and with Instagram I
guess.
BURINE: Ok, so I’m gonna insult somebody in this room I’m sure, they also have to have
the ironic iPhone case. You know?
LINDSAY: Yeup!
BURNIE: It’s like, does anyone have one of those in this room?
GUS: No!
MILES: No, I..
GUS: I fuckin hate cases.
MILES: Just some shitty ass cover.
GUS: I only use that one when I’m at events.
LINDSAY: You know, like the one that you think is like a toaster, and you’re like, “Oh! It’s an
iPhone!”
BURNIE: Can I tell you? I just saw the most aggravating one of all time.
MILES: What’s that?
BURNIE: Which was, when we were taking photos down in Australia, when we were doing
a signing, Gavin and I were down there.
MILES: Ok, ok.
BURNIE: And somebody held up their, their, phone, their iPhone to take a photo of us, and
their case was like an old camera.
GUS: Oh! Like the Lycra camera case? Yes..
LINDSAY: What?
BURNIE: And I was like, I didn’t know where to look. I’m like,
LINDSAY: Huh?
BURNIE: And all of a sudden it went off at the side, and I’m like, “Oh that’s the camera? I
thought camera was the camera, the Gav was just laughing at me..”
LINDSAY: It’s a camera in a camera, man!
JOEL: See, I’ve given up hope that there will ever be a good picture taken of me, ever, so..
Once you get to that point, you’re..
BURNIE: What’s the matter with you? You don’t think you’re photogenic?
JOEL: No, I am not photogenic.
BURNIE: I’ve seen thousands of photos of you, Joel, and you look great in photos.
JOEL: No, no, no…
BURNIE: No?
MILES: That’s cute…
BURNIE: You’re just a hard judge..
LINDSAY: Oh, God!
GUS: My wife hates me because she says I look identical in every photo I take.
BURNIE: I have the exact opposite problem..
GUS: What are you showing me?
JOEL: Gus, I want you to read aloud, the top tweet on this page for everyone please..
GUS: “Cat parasite may increase the risk of suicide in humans.”
MILES: You’d better fucking click it man!
LINDSAY: Joel I’m so scared!
GUS: That’s tweeted by Slashdot.
JOEL: … I knew it! I knew it. That’s the cat’s natural defense mechanism.
BURNIE: Haven’t you ever heard that there’s a parasite that carried by cats that’s in 50% of
the world population?
MILES: What?
BURNIE: That makes people more docile and more prone to like cats?
LINDSAY: Are you serious?
MILES: Ewww! Ok, see, that explains the fuck out of cat ladies..
LINDSAY: I just, I understand myself now.
GUS: Are you serious?
BURNIE: Yeah. Over 50% of the global population has this parasite.
JOEL: Ok, see, I’ve heard of this parasite before. I heard of the parasite that wants to make
people, you know, have a tendency to like, make you want to kill yourself, and uh…
MILES: WHAT?!
BURNIE: It’s also..
JOEL: So I made Gus read it, so you wouldn’t, cause I knew I would never have heard the
end of it, so I smartly had you read it, but you, it’s true.
GUS: That’s yeah, if Slashdot tweeted it, it must be true.
LINDSAY: Wait! What if Joe’s trying to kill us all?
JOEL: No see..
MILES: He already is that fucking cat
JOEL: The cat’s natural defense mechanism..
MILES: I hate Joe.
JOEL: Like a scorpion has a tail, it’s poisonous, cats look cute..
LINDSAY: A cat’s like, “I love you!”
JOEL: And you’re like, “You look cute, you go pet it, and then you want to go kill yourself.”
LINDSAY: Jesus!
JOEL: See that’s the cat’s natural defense mechanism.
MILES: That’s that natural progression thing.
JOEL: That’s why cats have survived the ages.
LINDSAY: No, no, no..
BURNIE: You know what though? Cats are an amazing animal though, because its’ like, the
cuteness of the cat is totally relative to the proportion of your size to the cat.
LINDSAY: It’s true.
BURNIE: Like if the cat is bigger than you, it’s fuckin horrifying!
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: That’s right!
LINDSAY: You don’t want a pet like a tiger?
BURNIE: It’s like the scariest thing on the planet. A cat’s smaller than you? Cute, fun.
JOEL: Ahhhhh! Cause you, you can eat it.
GUS: Unless.. unless it’s Pinky the Cat.
BURNIE: Ohh!
LINDSAY: Well, Pinky is kind of scary..
BURNIE: Well, that thing’s like half Tasmanian Devil.
GUS: There are..
LINDSAY: He went for crotch though.
GUS: There are exclusions to the rule..
JOEL: No, cats are yeah. Nuhm, yeah, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna. Like you go to the
circus, and you, but I don’t know what it is, cause I had a friend that got ca…. I already told
this story on the podcast, so should I probably just shouldn’t tell it?
GUS: Come on.
LINDSAY: Panther?
MILES: Yeah, shut the fuck up Joel!
GUS: You told the panther story…
JOEL: I told the panther story. I told this story before.
GUS: Oh. Ok
JOEL: Now I can’t. Now I’m not, now I’m sensitive.
MILES: I don’t like cats.
GUS: Don’t worry, Monty’s not here.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: I don’t like cats.
LINDSAY: This is a safe place..
GUS: I locked the door so he can’t barge in again.
MILES: I’m a dog person.
BURNIE: Did you lock the door for real?
GUS: No, he’s not here. He’s out of town.
JOEL: We kinda. I feel bad because we kinda screwed Lindsay on the podcast…
LINDSAY: How!?
JOEL: Because..
LINDSAY: How are people screwing me?
JOEL: We had four microphones for the podcast, I think, and Monty came into the panel,
which is fine, but then we were short a microphone, so I didn’t know how to do the.. to
divide the microphones..
LINDSAY: Just switch back and forth.
BURNIE: To be honest with you, we had two microphones per seat. One was for the
audience to hear us, and one was for, to record.
GUS: Yeah. We..
LINDSAY: It worked fine.
BURNIE: So, Gus, you’re stupid. No offense..
GUS: Actually, they both worked, they both recorded. I just had them there for redundancy.
ALL: Ohhhhhh…
GUS: I didn’t tell you all that because I didn’t want you to think you could only use one.
JOEL: Wow!
LINDSAY: Woooaaah.
BURNIE: Well then we could have handed one off when Frank O’connor came in.
GUS: No
BURNIE: And we could have given him his own mic.
GUS: See, what happened, Lindsay will know, the, the silver mics were all track 5, but then
the black mics were all separate, individual tracks.
LINDSAY: Got you.
BURNIE: Oooh Ok.
LINDSAY: I was gonna say, everyone sounded fine, so when Joel was telling me about it,
I’m like, “It sounds OK.. I hope this is alright..”
JOEL: See, I was shouting extra loud because I was like, well, I have to reach the
microphone..
LINDSAY: Woah!
GUS: I kept turning you down on the mixer.. I was like, what the fuck is going on?!
JOEL: Well, you see, if you had told me, I wouldn’t have shouted because it’s like, the other
microphone I had to move away from me, so I was like, “I will shout, and all the
microphones will hear me!!!”
BURNIE: Gus, can you give us clarity, because I’ve been tweeting photos all this week of
the podcast tech test. Can you give us clarity of what’s happening, because people, as
soon as I post a photo, they have a billion more questions.
GUS: We, are finalizing our technical requirements, and the setup for that, uhh, we are we
have some
LINDSAY: It’s looking good!
GUS: Yeah, we have to do some finishing on the desk. We’ll probably be ready to go… I
hate to set a date, but we’ll probably be ready to go by the end of the month.
BURNIE: We’ve been working on it for a while.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: Yeah. We are, I mean we really built an awesome, it’s almost like, like a television
studio. We’ve really built an awesome infrastructure.
BURNIE: It’s pretty cool.
GUS: To handle multiple cameras and audio, and it’s really, really awesome.
LINDSAY: We’re very excited.
JOEL: And when we’re not using it, you’ve rented it out to the local news station for a
second…
BURNIE: Joel, there was actually a discussion at one point about building a miniature
skyline of Austin.
LINDSAY: Yeah?
BURNIE: Dave and I have not given up on it yet. Something we can put on Godzilla suits,
and gorilla suits and go stomping around in. I would love that.
MILES: I.. would.. LOVE.. that!
GUS: So we were doing promotion for RTX, we had uh, uh a photographer from The
Statesman come by, our local newspaper, and, uh she was like, “Where do you want to
take a picture?” And I was like, “Well, let’s go do, let’s take pictures out here at the podcast
set.
LINDSAY: Oh, yeah.
GUS: So she went out there to take pictures with us, and she was like, “Oh, it’s kind of
dark,” so I was like, “Well, here, let me turn the lights on.” So I turned the Kinos on, and she
was like, “Oh, wow! This is awesome! This is way better than the studio I have set up at The
Statesman.
LINDSAY: Uh, what?
BURNIE: Really?
GUS: I was like, “Really?” And she was like, “Yeah! That place is falling apart.”
LINDSAY: Nice!
MILES: That’s depressing.
LINDSAY: Noted.
GUS: I was like we’re, we’re
LINDSAY: Our set rocks!
GUS: We’re on the internet..
BURNIE: Well, I don’t know, well you did some lines for the local news stuff for like
promotions of RTX, and stuff, and we did some for season 10 as well, and it’s just.. It’s
always interesting to go to local news stations, and to…
GUS: They have robotic cameras!
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Wat?
GUS: There’s no camera man on the camera, on the local NBC affiliate.
JOEL: I bet the unions are thrilled about that..
LINDSAY: They have those at KI too.
GUS: They only have one dude who, who like is like directing the show.
LINDSAY: He’s the master controller!
MILES: He runs like, Skynet cam?
GUS: He’s the one who’s like making the cuts between cameras, moving the robotic
cameras, and like doing video insertion.
MILES: Whoaa!
GUS: and all the overlays. It’s ONE dude who does the entire broadcast.
JOEL: Geez, that’s kinda creepy.
LINDSAY: Yeah… Awesome.
BURNIE: Yeah, you know the creepiest thing I heard, in terms of like robots replacing
humans, is, there was a story in wired about robots in a warehouse that would like, say for
instance say Amazon. They would pick a packages off the shelf, based on the barcode, or
location, and it would make the packages to send to people, and the robots were working
great, and the humans liked working with the robots, but then they realized that because of
like, regulations, they had to throttle, the robots down because the humans were in danger
if the robots were put at their full potential, so they got rid of the humans, so now they can
start turning up the robots to like 45 miles per hour, it was…
GUS: It was, uhh..
MILES: Jesus!
GUS: It was actually the Staples.com fulfillment.
BURNIE: That’s what it was? Ok.
MILES: That’s creepy dude!
GUS: So they had like these robots that were like..
LINDSAY: Taking over!
GUS: zip around at like 45 mph in the warehouse, pitching up..
LINDSAY: Damn robots! Taking all our jobs!
GUS: Picking up orders and..
MILES: Turk uhr jerbs!
GUS: packing them.
MILES: That’s weird man!
JOEL: They should sell tickets to that!
GUS: I wonder if you could look that up, if there’s a video for that?
LINDSAY: They were, they were talking about robot teachers for a while, alright? They were
talking about it a couple years ago. I’m dead serious! They were talking about doing that in
college. They would have, essentially, a robot. Put in a video, and like enter your answers
here, der derp, thirty seconds here, thirty second class.
BURNIE: Think about this, think about like if you’re on Amazon, and it recommends, or
Staples, and it recommends, based on your previous purchases, that you buy one of those
robot vacuum cleaners..
LINDSAY: A Roomba?
BURNIE: Yeah, a Roomba. And then,
LINDSAY: Those things suck!
BRUNIE: And then you buy it, but then a robot goes and picks it up and delivers it to you,
and puts it in your package, packs it up, ships it out, and then it gets delivered to you, and
you have your robot vacuum cleaner, and it’s like where are you in that process?
GUS: Yeah!
BURNIE: It’s like, the site recommended it,
MILES: That’s weird!
BURNIE: a robot delivered it, and you delivered a robot to you, that’s like..
MILES: That’s how they spread!
BURNIE: You’re not even needed in that process.
JOEL: The value in that process exceeds what the outcome is.. The amount of value that is
in that whole process of delivery and maintaining, and getting it to the thing, so now this
thing can spend the rest of it’s life picking shit up off my carpet.
BURNIE: Right! Exactly! It’s like it’s like the Coke machine at the pizza place. It’s like the
most advanced piece of technology that I will ever, like use in my daily life, and it gives me
a Coke..
LINDSAY: That thing is beautiful..
BURNIE: Oh my God! It’s like, at the end of the day, I got a sugar water.
GUS: You know what sucks? I went there the other day,
BURNIE: Which is bad for me to begin with!
MILES: Right!
JOEL: Exactly.
GUS: I uh, I went to that pizza place the other day, the one with the fancy Coke machine,
you know, the one that was made famous in the animated adventure?
MILES: Yep. Right.
GUS: and the machine was broken, like I looked at it, and it was like, a Windows error
screen, like a DOS screen was up..
LINDSAY: Like a blue screen?
GUS: There was an error, unable to boot..
LINDSAY: Blue screen of Death!
GUS: I was like, oh that sucks, and the woman behind the counter was like, “Yeah.. What
do you want to drink?” I was like, “Isn’t the machine broken?” She’s like “Well, yeah..”
LINDSAY: I don’t want you to do it, I want the machine to do it!
GUS: I was like, “ I want a Coke” She was like, “OK”, so from behind the counter she pulls
out like a two liter of Coke, pulls it up and pours it into a cup for me..
LINDSAY: Not as cool.
GUS: I was like..
MILES Fucking barbaric!
GUS: This is not nearly the same..
BURNIE: Yeah, but you know, like 15, 20 years from now, it’s gonna be like, “The machine
is broken! We’re all in danger of starving.”
MILES: Yeah, that’s what weirds me out..
BURNIE: We don’t know how to provide for ourselves anymore..
JOEL: Absolutely true..
LINDSAY: Dude, Michael has literally said to me, “If the internet goes out, kill me!” like, he
was dead serious.
JOEL: No, if somebody put like a knife to your throat, and were like, and was like, fix the
fuel injection in your car, you’re dead.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Yeah. That’s weird.
LINDSAY: I wouldn’t know how.
BURNIE: Well, you wouldn’t need that. What if the fuel injection crapped out a little bit, and
you’re in the middle of a desert? You’re dead.
JOEL: It’s not..
MILES: If somebody had a knife to my neck, and was like, “Tell me what fuel injection is!”
I’d be like, I’d be fucked!
LINDSAY: Holy Fuck!
BURNIE: What would.. Joel is showing us the carts.
LINDSAY: That, oh my God..
MILES: we’re watching a video of robots..
JOEL: it’s fucking Tetris!
LINDSAY: I’m like watching a Jetson episode right now.. This is nuts..
MILES: *Tetris Theme A*
GUS: They can probably.. Shut up.. I guess they can probably communicate with each other
via RF or wireless to let them know what path they’re going to take so they can avoid
collisions.
LINDSAY: They use telepathy, Gus.
BURNIE: Did you say Calligraphy?
LINDSAY: Telepathy.
MILES: Telepathy. Calligraphy?
LINDSAY: Calligraphy? They’re writing to each other?!
BURNIE: Yeah, but the uh.. and also, you know what we’re gonna lose though? We’re
gonna lose the awesome.. videos from inside of warehouses where somebody, like backs
a forklift off the loading bay.
GUS: Oh, those are the best!
BURNIE: They are! Have you seen…
GUS: They knock the sprinkler head off..
BURNIE: Oh my God! That’s my favorite! It’s like dude looks like he turned on a garden
hose, then all of a sudden it’s like this torrent of water. And like pouring off the sprinkler
head, and like dumps right on him.
GUS: Do you remember the year we went to ACon, and somebody did that at the hotel we
were staying at?
BURNIE: I don’t remember..
MILES: oooh
GUS: It was like a floor below where I was staying. Like all of a sudden, the fire alarm went
off, and I was like, “What the fuck is going on?” So I like, so we start going down the stairs,
and I got to the point where the floor below us, where I realized that someone had activated
one of the fire, one of the sprinklers, and it had set off every sprinkler on the floor, and it
was just a torrent of water, everywhere on that floor, and then going out the stairs, down..
MILES: Oh my God!
LINDSAY: Grab a mattress and slip’n’slide.
BURNIE: Yeah, water slide, man! This water runs all the time, and it just takes one little,
tink, and it’s like we’re, we’re dead.
MILES: Wow.
BURNIE: Everything’s flooded.
GUS: It was like, it was, it was like something out of a movie! It was more like an
amusement park, where you’re like, “Oh hey! The, the Burnie Hotel water ride! Yay!”
LINDSAY: Everybody hop on!
GUS: It was awful.
MILES: It rained cement at a middle school that I went to one time..
GUS: Really?
BURNIE: It rained cement?
MILES: It rained cement. Yeah, so..
LINDSAY: Yeah, you’re friend’s cards, that guy’s cards.
MILES: Yeah, didn’t, so yeah I went to, when I was in middle school, uh, they were doing
construction on the uh, uh school that I went to, and they did it in a fucking ass backwards
way, too. They started with the 6th grade wing, then the 7th grade wing, then the 8th grade
wing, which meant one class, my fucking class had to deal with construction every single
year!
BURNIE: Oh that was one wing per year?!
MILES: It was one wing, it was one wing per year. It was a big school, so
BURNIE: Now, I like that. It concentrates your experience to be the worst one possible.
MILES: Piece of shit!
BURNIE: Everyone else was fine, fuck this generation of kids.
MILES: So, um, so in high school and middle school you have different courtyards, there’s
like the, you know that’s where all the goth kids hang out over there, there’s the jocks over
there. There was one courtyard that was, it was the nerdy courtyard! There were the people
with the Pokemon and the Magic.
LINDSAY: The nerd yard.
MILES: The, the Yu-Gi-Oh cards, one morning, I get off the bus. My buddy, uh my buddy and
I were walking to class and all of a sudden we hear this *bu-king*! And we look over, and
we’re like, “what the hell was that?!” And then all of a sudden we’re like, “Hey, it’s raining.”
And then we realized, we realized there was a pipe of liquid cement on the top of the uh, it
was running on the, on the roof of the building. A valve had burst, and it just started spraying
liquid cement into the sky, and it started raining down in this courtyard
BURNIE: Fucking A.
MILES: This is what happens. It starts raining. My first instinct is to get the fuck out of there.
I saw the saddest thing that day. It was the saddest thing in the world.
LINDSAY: Saddest, or greatest.
MILES: It was the saddest.
LINDSAY: The audience will decide.
MILES: All these kids were playing Yu-Gi-Oh, and Pokemon, and playing their cardgames,
and it starts raining cement and I saw this, little kid with like a chili bowl haircut, and like thick ass glasses, and he goes..
LINDSAY: Like Weevil?
MILES: “My Blue-Eyes!” and he dove onto his- onto his rare Yugi-Oh! Card, and sacrificed
himself and was covered, absolutely covered so- it was like- “My Blue Eyes!” PHUUUUUGHHH! And just completely wiped out. After they finally- they finally fixed it and was like the aftermath of a battle. Nobody wasfuckin’ talking. You heard like- you heard like some kid crying off in the distance.
LINDSAY: I lost my Blue Eyes.
MILES: Like WHYYYYYYY!
LINDSAY: My Exodia!
BURNIE: Mo-Modern day Pompeii.
MILES: It was just like a whole bunch of ?? just froze in a ???
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Oh. That morning on the announcements uh there was just like a- BING! “If you have been covered in uh- in cement, please report to the nurse’s office.” In a calm manner and everyone’s fuckin’ started laughing.
BURNIE: How’d you get the kids covered in cement to go to the Nurse’s Office?
MILES: Uhm…
BURNIE: Do you throw ‘em a wheel barrel.
MILES: If we could please get some people to chisel the children out of the courtyard, that would be uhh fantastic.
GUS: That is fucking phenomenal. That- My Blue Eyes is probably the best thing ever.
MILES: BLUUUUEEEE- MY BLUE EYEESSS EUUUU!
BURNIE: I don’t know if this video is playing or not, it’s on Break- I can never fucking figure out Break i-
GUS: Oh there goes, it’s up.
BURNIE: This is one of my favourite-
JOEL: Well they tell you the name of the site.
BURNIE: Yeah, I’ll just zzzzuuuuuoooopppp!
MILES: Forklift Brings Down-
LINDSAY: What is this?
GUS: I-it was better when it was Big Boys.
BURNIE: Uh-huh. Bigdashboys.com. So it’s For- it’s the for- this thing- and we’re gonna miss out on these for the rest of our lives because-
JOEL: A forklift is made for comedy.
GUS: So-
BURNIE: It is.
LINDSAY: It is.
BURNIE: It is, it ev- it even has a big cylinder of gas on the back of it, so it’s like somebody can come along and shoot it, it’ll explode? It’s like-
JOEL: For comedy.
BURNIE: -so it- for i- oops, aaaannnndddddd-
JOEL: Nooooooooooo.
BURNIE: -this is the other world-
JOEL: JUuuuuhhh...
MILES: Oh. Oh shit!
JOEL: That one u- that one just…
GUS: Ughhhh. God, so we almost got fucked by a forklift at RTX, I don’t know if you know this.
JOEL: I mean-
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Really?
GUS: Our fl- our fl-
LINDSAY: You really got fucked by a forklift?
GUS: Yeah!
MILES: That’s hot.
GUS: the one who delivers all of our stuff. All their forklifts broke the morning we had our stuff to the wor- to the convention centre. SO then they had to like rent forklifts and bring them in from some other- I guess rental place in order to uhhh to f- to get- to get our stuff out the door and to the show. It was- i-i-it- I fucking hate forklifts now.
BURNIE: I found the top 10 forklift accidents on YouTube-
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: I might be- I might be gone for days.
LINDSAY: Yes.
JOEL: See- oh that’s good. See any time someone gets into a forklift, Benny Hill music should just start playing.
BURNIE: Well it’s like- I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a, like a Bobcat, which is kind of like a small bulldozer, or in a forklift, but there’s a cage around the cockpit.
GUS: I still wanna have Bobcat fights!
BURNIE: I’ll do it with you.
LINDSAY: Bobcat fights.
BURNIE: You can even get different attachments for the front of a Bobcat.
GUS: I want to have Bobcat fights. I’ve been wanting to have Bobcat fights for like fourteen
fucking years.
BURNIE: You get a rock hammer uhm attachments on the front of a Bobcat.
GUS: You should be able to choose your loadout, like a video game like: Don’t like the rock
hammer or do I want the bulldozer blade?
BURNIE: Like I-
LINDSAY: It’s like everyone in the USA are with Bobcats.
BURNIE: Just by conditioning it sounds like if Miles hears like a jackhammer, he will be able to do multiplication like so much faster, it’s like ‘cause he spent all his formidable years in school around construction equipment.
MILES: FUNNY, it’s miserable! I just got good at moving shit ‘cause we had to move to the- to the portables every single time something d-
LINDSAY: Nice. Oh those portable buildings. Yeyuh.
BURNIE: That’s the worst.
GUS: They don’t even have a portable either.
BURNIE: It’s like a failure room.
LINDSAY: It’s not really a classroom, you got like three-
BURNIE: Yeah-
LINDSAY: -rejects of the school. Get the hell outside!
MILES: OR me, every year of my Middle School career.
LINDSAY: Rejects of the school, Miles is one of them.
MILES: Oh alright alright.
BURNIE: I hate that solution, I wish they would just come up with something different.
MILES: Mm.
JOEL: Like buildings.
BURNIE: Yeah, like build school, how ‘bout that. We’re not-
LINDSAY: Build a school.
BURNIE: Cavemen living in huts. We can- we can actually build a building for our kids to go to school in.
GUS: The-they’re not nomads, they- y-you know where they’re gonna go to learn.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: You don’t need to move the fucking building.
BURNIE: I-I don’t know I’m just embarrassed by that when I see portables in front of a school.
GUS: It’s awful.
BURNIE: It’s just the worst.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Just build the school a little bit bigger. It’s like-
GUS: But then no one wants to pay for it! People want the biggest school but no one wants to pay for it.
BURNIE: When was anyone ever upset to build a school? When has anyone ever said that.
GUS: All the fucking time, you hear people bitch, like “Oh my property taxes went up 3 years ago, why’d it go up again.”
BURNIE: That’s people without kids. They’re gonna die unfaithfully.
JOEL: The country’s on decline?
BURNIE: Yeah.
JOEL: So the schools will be getting smaller, naturally.
GUS: I shouldn’t have to pay property taxes.
BURNIE: Why not?
GUS: I-I don’t have kids!
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: Yeah but education benefits everybody, Gus.
GUS: Yeah but it benefits people with kids more than it benefits me.
JOEL: I don’t-
BURNIE: NOOO, NO NO.
GUS: I just don’t know- I don’t- I-I’m on a different team!
LINDSAY: No.
GUS: I know- I understand. I benefit in the long term from these kids who are educated, But I don’t- I don’t take from the system wh- what other people take.
JOEL: Does education benefit, like- does it?
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: Yes.
LINDSAY: Yes.
GUS: You wouldn’t have a doctor when you f- when you’re sick-
JOEL: Well…
GUS: -if they’re not educated.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Nah, I don’t know.
MILES: You could get a forklift robots so, to take place of doctors, then we’ll be okay.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: And it’ll be a lot funnier.
MILES: AIDS CANCER.
BURNIE: We-
GUS: YOUR BLUE EYES.
BURNIE: We-
MILES: SORRY.
BURNIE: Yeah “You have AIDS.” Y’know-
MILES: AIDS. SORRY SIR.
BURNIE: We… We always talk about people like they’re stupid, but the fact that we all drive… the roads, every single day-
MILES: Uhhhhhh.
BURNIE: -these complex machines, and we don’t kill each other all the time? It’s pretty amazing.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Yeah. That’s true.
BURNIE: So you m- you wanna be on the road with a buncha pe- just a bunch of just completely uneducated people.
LINDSAY: Have you seen any robot cars recently?
BURNIE: I’ve seen dash cams from Russia. That’s all I need to see.
MILES: WHOOOOAAAA.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: I saw a video that was Jackass in Russia apparently? Jackass in Russia-
JOEL: Jackass-
BURNIE: -is waaayy better-
JOEL: Burnie’s like raising the stakes.
BURNIE: -dude, it’s waaayy better. I mean we should just link it, Lindsay-
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: -I showed it to you.
GUS: Oh god.
LINDSAY: It’s true, from the country that brought you Flinging This Girl off a Roof.
BURNIE: Oh did you see that video?
LINDSAY: Yeah, god that was terrifying, she’s just toally cool about it, she’s like
WHOOOOOOOOOO YEAH, and I’m like, “Oh my god. She’s about to die.”
JOEL: Well she-she lives in Russia, she’s hoping she dies.
LINDSAY: Jeez.
BURNIE: I don’t think- actually-
MILES: Russia’s like the scariest place on Earth.
BURNIE: Russia just at some point went, y’know what…
GUS: Hey!
BURNIE: …fuck it. Just fuck it we don’t care.
GUS: I think our- our- are there any videogame conventions in Russia? Let’s go to Russia.
MILES: Ooohhh… Jesus Christ.
GUS: Let’s go to Moscow!
LINDSAY: It’s like live action Halo.
GUS: Let’s do it!
JOEL: Y- do they have video games in Russia aside from Tetris?
LINDSAY: No.
MILES: No they should actually just shoot every-
GUS: They sh- that’s a good question. N- I wonder if the Xbox or Playstation are even released in th- in Russia. I’m calling the Soviet Union, jesus.
LINDSAY: I don’t know.
JOEL: That’s a-
BURNIE: What would it take for you to put in your credit card on dot R U site.
GUS: Oh no.
BURNIE: What would it take?
GUS: Not happening. There’s so many thi- that is so down the list of things I would do. There are things above that list that are- that are disgusting and awful.
BURNIE: You know even if-
JOEL: See Russians have to do it every day, that’s why it’s Jackass Russia.
BURNIE: If- It would be interesting to get a credit card, a brand new credit card, and just put it on a site… and just g- see what is purchased…
LINDSAY: See what happens.
BURNIE: …by that.
MILES: Well thanks for volunteering, Burnie.
BURNIE: No.
MILES: Let me see what happens.
BURNIE: Yeah. It’d probably be th- pretty much the same credit card statement that Jack gets every month. It’s probably just all the same sites.
LINDSAY: It’s all from Fleshlight, hmm.
BURNIE: I can’t believe I k- I brought that up again. Inadvertently. You said the words though, I didn’t say the words.
JOEL: Well…
MILES: Never let it go.
LINDSAY: Rhymes with Reshrhime.
JOEL: Well I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GUS: Yeah. D-Definitely not a Fleshlight.
MILES: Don’t worry about it.
JOEL: Ohh. Yeah, I-I kinda missed out on that when uhmm… I’m kinda glad that I did I guess I-
BURNIE: Talked about it twice.
JOEL: - I talked about it twice.
MILES: Did you see the video of the uh, it was like some little village in China, that they thought they found-
GUS: Mmmm.
MILES: -something new? Like actually it was some dude’s Fleshlight.
LINDSAY: What, are you serious?!
GUS: Uuughhhhhhh. Nooo.
MILE: I love how that went right, you know how somebody came out to someone in the backyard and was like, “Dude, what the fuck are you doing.” Like, “Oh! I uhhh-“
LINDSAY: Mushroom.
MILES: “-it’s a new mushroom! Look at this thing that I found!” He just k- there was a big-
GUS: It was like a rubber vagina and a rubber anus? It like-
LINDSAY: Oh my god.
GUS: -the tube, and the- I guess they found it buried in the ground.
LINDSAY: What the fuck. What the fuck.
GUS: And they- th-they they reported, it was like a village on a remote part of China, they
reported to the news. The news sends- the news station sends a reporter-He- he does the story on it, and then the next day they have to send out an apology, and in their apology they say the reporter was really young, she didn’t know any better.
LINDSAY: Oh my god.
BURNIE: What? See, this is why you need education guys.
LINDSAY: Not clear what that story-
JOEL: Oh my god…
BURNIE: That’s why, so that people don’t report a Fleshlight is a new species of a mushroom.
GUS: Technically it wasn’t a Fleshlight, it was like…
MILES: A super Fleshlight!
GUS: Th-Th-There removable part of uhh a fucking real life doll or something.
BURNIE: So Chinese knockoffs.
GUS: Yeah.
MILES: Some China dude just totally j- dodged a bullet.
BURNIE: Go ahead and say it, Gus, go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say Feshhlight, go ahead and do it.
LINDSAY: Yeah?
BURNIE: Go ahead, Gus. I know you want to.
GUS: I really did.
BURNIE: It just rolls off the tongue. It’s a Chinese knockoff.
LINDSAY: Fereshright.
BURNIE: He just starts laughing to himself.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: And he starts shaking his head.
MILES: It’s a freshlight.
BURNIE: Lead you right to it. I like how we can talk about- we can’t make fun of an accent, but we can talk about having sex-
LINDSAY: Sex.
BURNIE: -with a fake vagina and butthole.
LINDSAY: Yeup.
BURNIE: That’s fine.
MILES: Well think about the kids, Burnie.
BURNIE: Oh, you know what? It… I gotta admit, when I was in Japan is that I was-
JOEL: How did that work out by the way?
BURNIE: That was totally fine, if you’re thinking about the alien world where o-
LINDSAY: did you find panty vending machines?
BURNIE: No. You already asked that.
MILES: What?!
LINDSAY: Panty Vending Machines.
BURNIE: It’s totally normally.
JOEL: Didn’t really work out fine for Gav. I tried to warn him, didn’t I?
MILES: What happened in Japan?
BURNIE: They did serve us chicken skins and chicken bones.
LINDSAY: Yum.
BURNIE: And I think that was a joke.
LINDSAY: Did you have coagulated pig’s bum?
GUS: I-I wou- I wou- I would eat the shit out of some chicken skins.
BURNIE: Oh, it was horrible.
MILES: Carl’s Chicken Skins.
BURNIE: I know what you’re saying…
JOEL: This is not what I was talking about.
BURNIE: What are you talking about?
JOEL: You went to the bathroom with Gav, like you’re t-to- like you have a y-you set a
precedent-
BURNIE: This is in Australia.
JOEL: Oh this is Australia.
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: What happened?
GUS: We talked about it last podcast.
BURNIE: We talked about it last podcast th- we’ve gotta get Gavin back-
MILES: Okay.
BURNIE: I legitimately made Gavin-
JOEL: There are some creepy-
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: - creepy bathrooms over there in Australia. Like you go to Australian Rugby places?
BURNIE: Yeah?
JOEL: And the bathrooms literally like- you have to like walk up… onto like a cage…
BURNIE: Yeah.
LINDSAY: What.
JOEL: …and like the cage is surrounded by a pee.
LINDSAY: Do they lock the cage?
JOEL: Like you walk- it’s like a pool of pee, and you have to walk up on top of it, and then there’s like a wall and you have to pee on the wall, it’s like- there’s just pee everywhere.
LINDSAY: Rebound off the wall into the toilet.
JOEL: There’s n- there’s no need for giant opening when you pee. Like just make it go… Like I’m not sure what the philosophy is on this.
MILES: All I heard was you went to a- e-essentially it’s an American bathroom ‘cept with a cage.
LINDSAY: Yep.
MILES: That’s the difference.
BURNIE: Yeah, well in the Jap- in the Japanese airport-
JOEL: It’s a tri- it’s a trough where there’s like forty dudes- y’know?
BURNIE: Y-I know- I know-
MILES: In the pee troughs.
GUS: I- I-I-I-I’ve been to Emo’s. I’ve seen this sort of thng.
JOEL: Have you seen the film where they take the-the-the-the- the forty pigs and kill them all in one second?
GUS: Wait. True Blood is on HBO.
LINDSAY: I thought it’s on HBO.
BURNIE: Yeah. It’s on HBO, it was on AMC that I saw it.
GUS: Oh!
LINDSAY: Oh. Ok.
JOEL: Isn’t, I guess AMC is having trouble with the dish network, right? Right now?
BURNIE: Yeah. Viacom.
JOEL: Viacom.
BURNIE: Viacom took uh everything off of dish. That includes CBS MTV..
GUS: That’s happened..
BURNIE: I know AMC, but apparently, AMC is …
GUS: I had never heard of this kind of problem before maybe three or four years ago, and
now it seems like every couple months..
BURNIE: Yeah, yeah.
GUS: There’s a cable provider that’s having trouble with their network, or is dropping
JOEL: Yeah, I mean this podcast, I didn’t, but I guess you guys predicted this. That this was
gonna happen. That this was gonna happen, years ago, and it’s happening.
BURNIE: This was the subject of my keynote speech for South by Southwest, in like 2006, I
think.
GUS: I think it was earlier, it was like ’05 maybe.
BURNIE: I don’t know. Really?
JOEL: Like, people who, people on some of the business shows were commenting on it
and they were saying, basically, content wins every time. No, whoever’s producing the
contents gonna win.
GUS: Mmmhmm.
JOEL: So.. Why don’t we just get to that point and move on?
BURNIE: Yeah, I mean the access providers for a long, long time enjoyed the fact that, you
know, they kind of held everything hostage, but now, especially because of the internet..
GUS: What, what a funny name. They’re access providers and they enjoyed the fact that
they held it all hostage.
BURNIE: I know, right? Pretty much. You want access to our products, and you want access
to all the homes, you have to..
LINDSAY: Here’s the deal.
BURNIE: Where, they made money getting the content, they make money giving the
content, you know, it’s just crazy!
GUS: Yeah, and now, they’re providing access to the internet, which has undermined that
whole other business.
BURNIE: Right! So Time Warner has a big cable division, and essentially an IP division, I
mean internet protocol division, where they deliver data, and people like Netflix and Hulu
are enjoying that, and meanwhile on the other side of Time Warner’s business, they’re
watching all their video demand, which is, video on-demand, which is a huge part of
everything, just dropping. What would you do? I mean, you would find a way to cap your
bandwidth side. You know, and just make more money, and figure out a way to get Netflix
and Hulu to get the fuck out of there.
JOEL: Do you think this is gonna work out in the end?
BURNIE: I think guh, there’s always this rumor that Google is building another internet.
LINDSAY: Are you, whaaat?
BURNIE: It’s kind of like, like what was that movie,
JOEL: That’s been around for a while.
BURNIE: What was that movie with Jodie Foster where they built another machine to send
her into space?
GUS: Oh, uh um, uh.
BURNIE: Contact.
GUS: Oh yes.
BURNIE: Yeah. And, uh, spoiler if you haven’t seen Contact with Matthew McConaughey,
and Jodie Foster, but, like Google’s just gonna go, “Yeah, the internet is fucked up, here’s
our internet, a new one, which we’ve been building this whole time”
GUS: Well, they’re building that high speed internet access, where was it? Wasn’t it in
Topeka, or someplace?
JOEL: Yeah, uh I don’t know.
GUS: Didn’t they, yeah they, I remember the contest where the cities could apply to get the
like the Google fiber. And, I don’t see why they wouldn’t do it.
LINDSAY: Yeah, cool.
GUS: Like, already they want to monitor your traffic to better target ads to you. Why
wouldn’t they just monitor all your traffic data, and not just your search if they run the access.
Like, we’ll give you free internet, we’ll just gonna monitor everything you do..
JOEL: It’s just kinda creepy because we started with AOL, and now we’re gonna go full
circle back around to AOL, again, except for now it’s gonna be called Google.
BURNIE: Right. That always happens, like we were, we were talking about the sale of
Diggs, you hear about that this week?
JOEL: No.
BURNIE: Ok. Not to go back too far, but Digg sold this week. You know Digg.com?
JOEL: Vaguely, yes.
BURNIE: Ok, so it was a big social media site…
JOEL: Oh yeahyeahyeah
BURNIE: They sold this week. Any..
JOEL: To who?
BURNIE: God! I can’t even tell you the name of the company. It’s the internet start-up that’s
gonna merge it with news.me…
JOEL: Uhhuh..
BURNIE: How much do you think Digg sold for today in 2012?
KARA: My assistance is needed?
BURNIE: Wild guess!
JOEL: 200 million!
BURNIE: For $500,000
LINDSAY: Did you text her?
JOEL: Wooooooooah!
BURNIE: Yeah. That’s where that thing had fallen to. So yeah, that’s what we were talking
about..
JOEL: Wooooooah!
BURNIE: The window of like, when these businesses are big, versus when people get out
of them. We talked about ff, Myspace and Facebook.
JOEL: Do you think Facebook will ever, I guess it..
BURNIE: Listen..
JOEL: I guess it will diminish at least a little bit, but..
BURNIE: Everything..
JOEL: Do you think it’s gonna go off radar completely?
BURNIE: Absolutely!
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Soon?
BURNIE: Here’s why..
LINDSAY: It’s already diminished because of Twitter. Everyone in my sister’s grade and
lower says
BURNIE: yeah
JOEL: Right.
LINDSAY: fuck Facebook.
GUS: The problem they’re having, and I think that’s the problem everyone’s identifies, sorry,
I didn’t mean to derail, butt in here.
BURNIE: Go!
GUS: is mobile. That’s what’s killing everyone. There’s no way for them to monetize it, and,
and it’s increasing market.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: It’s gonna kill em.
BURNIE: There’s also the long march. Which is young people eventually take over, and it’s
hard to believe for people who are 20 and 21 now, but there’s gonna be people who are
20, ten years from now who aren’t gonna want to be on Facebook with your old ass.
LINDSAY: No!
BURNIE: They’re just not gonna want it anymore
LINDSAY: They’re already don’t want to be on Facebook with a lot of people, older than
me.
JOEL: Well, right, I mean no one wants to be on Facebook, we just don’t have a choice
because there’s everyone we know on Facebook. It just gets to the point where everyone’s
mom’s on Facebook when it’s definitely gonna be lights out.
MILES: Oh God. It’s gonna…
LINDSAY: If I saw my mom on Facebook…
BURNIE: Just like we’ve been doing Red versus Blue, Myspace usurped the personal
homepage. I didn’t think that was even possible. I thought that was the basic atomic unit of
the internet, essentially. Myspace got rid of the personal homepage, then Facebook, after
Myspace had a hold on everything, on everything, Facebook came and took it all away.
And now look at Digg!
JOEL: Though Myspace did a lot of wrong thing, like you know? A lot of things wrong.
GUS: Well, Myspace let its users do a lot of things wrong, is the problem.
JOEL: Well, sure.
BURNIE: Myspace also focused on music. That ain't a bad thing. I mean, it usually, music
dominates a lot of stuff. I mean even when we look at the metrics on Youtube..
LINDSAY: A lot of band pages on Myspace.
BURNIE: They will take, yeah, they will take away uh, the music metrics on Youtube
because they always overpower everything else. Because a music video might get
450,000,000 views.
JOEL: And ironically, that’s what really, really started chasing me away from Myspace. It got
to the point where everyone was like, “Hey, come listen to my band. Come listen to my
band”
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: It was, it was like walking through a cyber café of college students who all had
college bands.
LINDSAY: And remember when everyone had picture after picture everywhere?
JOEL: Like flyers everywhere
BURNIE: That’s a great way to put it. Or it’s like, load page, hit pause. That was, that was
the thing. That was the thing
LINDSAY: Yeah. Yup. I don’t care about your background music, please stop.
MILES: I don’t want to listen to that shit.
JOEL: Yeah, that,that. That that, should be licensed. You have to like put down…
LINDSAY: I’m glad you like Dashboard Confessional. thanks anyway..
BURNIE: Everything, everything changes eventually. Like everything changes, and that’s
the main thing.
GUS: Yeah. You know like currently there’s the biggest threat for Facebook is mobile and Twitter, you know? Those are the big ones, but the other thing is how’s Twitter making money? I guarantee you they’re not profitable!
BURNIE: I don’t know…
GUS: They’re still living off of venture capital..
MILES: No clue.
GUS: They’re gonna kill Facebook..
JOEL: It seems..
GUS: And not make any money doing it!
JOEL: You can know nothing about the internet, and like be on Twitter and just get like the
random tweet ad, and like it rubs everyone the wrong way. I don’t know of a single person
who’s like..
LINDSAY: Yes.
JOEL: I don’t, the thing is that I buy stuff. Like if they could pair up with I’m looking for, like
throw me a beer tweet. You throw me a beer tweet, it’s fine. Have they thrown me a beer
tweet? They have not thrown me a beer tweet.
GUS: I’ve, yeah. I, they’ve got a problem. They don’t know if you’re over 21 or whatever, 21.
LINDSAY: I usually get a like menopause ads like on my Facebook. It’s like thanks. That’s
cool.
GUS: Yeah. I’ve gotten, honestly, I’ve got no problems with the way Twitter handles ads or
promoted tweets. I think they’re fine, uh I don’t think I’ve ever purchased anything through
promoted tweet, but I’ll read them..
JOEL: I really, really like Twitter, I love Twitter, and you’re right. The ads don’t bother me
enough that I would stop using uh Twitter, but I don’t follow through on the ads there, but
yeah. You know?
LINDSAY: I just ignore them.
BURNIE: So, you know Instagram sold to Facebook?
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: For a billion dollars?
JOEL: Yeah.
MILES: Which was amazing.
BURNIE: Have you guys..
JOEL: How many.. How many.. a million dollars
GUS: I just want to float it out there again.
JOEL: Yes.
GUS: If Facebook wants to buy us, we will sell for two billion dollars.
BURNIE: Absolutely!
MILES: Offers…
LINDSAY: Roosterface..
GUS: I have the authority to execute this transaction
JOEL: And Zuckerberg went out, and
BURNIE: No you don’t..
JOEL: And Zuckerberg went out on his own and did that. Like he was basically like, I’m like
gonna do this. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m doing it. And he did it. Is how that
happened.
GUS: Really? Wow.
JOEL: Well, yeah. I mean, that’s how he wants it, right?
BURNIE: Have you guys seen the new thing, that’s like kinda catching on, like Instagram?
GUS: You mean like Cinegraph?
BURNIE: Yeah. The Cinegrams. Yeah.
JOEL: Yeah. Those are cute.. like I mean for
MILES: Cinegram?
BURNIE: Yeah. It’s like when you take the photo with, what I think Jack talked about it
LINDSAY: Yeah. Burnie showed these to me the other day, and they blew my mind.
GUS: Jack talked about them when you were in Australia.
MILES: What is.. What is that? What is a Cinegram?
LINDSAY: They’re really cool.
BURNIE: It’s like you take a photo, but you’re taking a video, and then you only animate a
portion of the frame.
MILES: Ooh.
LINDSAY: You can make really cool gifs with it.
GUS: It makes amazing gifs.
LINDSAY: That’s like the only reason I got it.
BURNIE: It’s pretty cool.
MILES: I remember the first time I saw one of those. It was really cool. It was like a person
reading the newspaper in New York, or something, and it looked like a picture and then
they turned the page, and my mind exploded.
LINDSAY: Yeah. He showed me.
MILES: Now everyone can do that?
BURNIE: Yeah.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: That’s kind of weird..
LINDSAY: Yeah. I saw this one where the girl’s hair was waving, and it’s like, “Ooh it’s like
a Harry Potter painting!” Where they’re supposed to be like, moving.
BURNIE: Yeah, you know? It’s really crazy like how the path that something goes from like,
“Wow! That can be done?!” to “Now it’s an app and everyone can do it”
MILES: Yeah. That’s how I felt about Instagram. Like, you know, it’s just like there’s three
different filters that make you look really deep, and like a good photographer.
GUS: Now..
LINDSAY: Those fuckin school kids!
MILES: Now everyone can do it.
GUS: Now everyone can ruin pictures, together.
LINDSAY: Yaaay!
GUS: Thanks, iPhone!
MILES: Do you want a black and white photo of a lawnchair? There you go!
LINDSAY: I’d like my burger in sepia, please? Thank you.
MILES: Pardon?
GUS: I think when you download Instagram, it should automatically have a back catalogue
of artsy photos as well. It’s like, “This is mine. This is my catalogue of work.”
MILES: Oh God..
GUS: I took a picture of it.
LINDSAY: Can you check out my portfolio?
GUS: I took a picture of this rose in the rain..
MILES: Man, I’m not gonna lie. When I first got it, I was like, man, I can take good pictures,
and after a while, I looked at everyone else, and I was like, “Man, I’m a fuckin asshole!”
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: The worst is when people do that, and they don’t, like they don’t save the original, like
that’s all they’ve got is that fucking shitty picture.
LINDSAY: I usually associate it with, and not to be stereotypical, but I usually associate it
with the college girl with the big blonde hair that’s like, “Yeah! Out with the girls!” And then
they’ll all tweet pictures and like make it all cool, and like artsy with it and with Instagram I
guess.
BURINE: Ok, so I’m gonna insult somebody in this room I’m sure, they also have to have
the ironic iPhone case. You know?
LINDSAY: Yeup!
BURNIE: It’s like, does anyone have one of those in this room?
GUS: No!
MILES: No, I..
GUS: I fuckin hate cases.
MILES: Just some shitty ass cover.
GUS: I only use that one when I’m at events.
LINDSAY: You know, like the one that you think is like a toaster, and you’re like, “Oh! It’s an
iPhone!”
BURNIE: Can I tell you? I just saw the most aggravating one of all time.
MILES: What’s that?
BURNIE: Which was, when we were taking photos down in Australia, when we were doing
a signing, Gavin and I were down there.
MILES: Ok, ok.
BURNIE: And somebody held up their, their, phone, their iPhone to take a photo of us, and
their case was like an old camera.
GUS: Oh! Like the Lycra camera case? Yes..
LINDSAY: What?
BURNIE: And I was like, I didn’t know where to look. I’m like,
LINDSAY: Huh?
BURNIE: And all of a sudden it went off at the side, and I’m like, “Oh that’s the camera? I
thought camera was the camera, the Gav was just laughing at me..”
LINDSAY: It’s a camera in a camera, man!
JOEL: See, I’ve given up hope that there will ever be a good picture taken of me, ever, so..
Once you get to that point, you’re..
BURNIE: What’s the matter with you? You don’t think you’re photogenic?
JOEL: No, I am not photogenic.
BURNIE: I’ve seen thousands of photos of you, Joel, and you look great in photos.
JOEL: No, no, no…
BURNIE: No?
MILES: That’s cute…
BURNIE: You’re just a hard judge..
LINDSAY: Oh, God!
GUS: My wife hates me because she says I look identical in every photo I take.
BURNIE: I have the exact opposite problem..
GUS: What are you showing me?
JOEL: Gus, I want you to read aloud, the top tweet on this page for everyone please..
GUS: “Cat parasite may increase the risk of suicide in humans.”
MILES: You’d better fucking click it man!
LINDSAY: Joel I’m so scared!
GUS: That’s tweeted by Slashdot.
JOEL: … I knew it! I knew it. That’s the cat’s natural defense mechanism.
BURNIE: Haven’t you ever heard that there’s a parasite that carried by cats that’s in 50% of
the world population?
MILES: What?
BURNIE: That makes people more docile and more prone to like cats?
LINDSAY: Are you serious?
MILES: Ewww! Ok, see, that explains the fuck out of cat ladies..
LINDSAY: I just, I understand myself now.
GUS: Are you serious?
BURNIE: Yeah. Over 50% of the global population has this parasite.
JOEL: Ok, see, I’ve heard of this parasite before. I heard of the parasite that wants to make
people, you know, have a tendency to like, make you want to kill yourself, and uh…
MILES: WHAT?!
BURNIE: It’s also..
JOEL: So I made Gus read it, so you wouldn’t, cause I knew I would never have heard the
end of it, so I smartly had you read it, but you, it’s true.
GUS: That’s yeah, if Slashdot tweeted it, it must be true.
LINDSAY: Wait! What if Joe’s trying to kill us all?
JOEL: No see..
MILES: He already is that fucking cat
JOEL: The cat’s natural defense mechanism..
MILES: I hate Joe.
JOEL: Like a scorpion has a tail, it’s poisonous, cats look cute..
LINDSAY: A cat’s like, “I love you!”
JOEL: And you’re like, “You look cute, you go pet it, and then you want to go kill yourself.”
LINDSAY: Jesus!
JOEL: See that’s the cat’s natural defense mechanism.
MILES: That’s that natural progression thing.
JOEL: That’s why cats have survived the ages.
LINDSAY: No, no, no..
BURNIE: You know what though? Cats are an amazing animal though, because its’ like, the
cuteness of the cat is totally relative to the proportion of your size to the cat.
LINDSAY: It’s true.
BURNIE: Like if the cat is bigger than you, it’s fuckin horrifying!
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: That’s right!
LINDSAY: You don’t want a pet like a tiger?
BURNIE: It’s like the scariest thing on the planet. A cat’s smaller than you? Cute, fun.
JOEL: Ahhhhh! Cause you, you can eat it.
GUS: Unless.. unless it’s Pinky the Cat.
BURNIE: Ohh!
LINDSAY: Well, Pinky is kind of scary..
BURNIE: Well, that thing’s like half Tasmanian Devil.
GUS: There are..
LINDSAY: He went for crotch though.
GUS: There are exclusions to the rule..
JOEL: No, cats are yeah. Nuhm, yeah, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna. Like you go to the
circus, and you, but I don’t know what it is, cause I had a friend that got ca…. I already told
this story on the podcast, so should I probably just shouldn’t tell it?
GUS: Come on.
LINDSAY: Panther?
MILES: Yeah, shut the fuck up Joel!
GUS: You told the panther story…
JOEL: I told the panther story. I told this story before.
GUS: Oh. Ok
JOEL: Now I can’t. Now I’m not, now I’m sensitive.
MILES: I don’t like cats.
GUS: Don’t worry, Monty’s not here.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: I don’t like cats.
LINDSAY: This is a safe place..
GUS: I locked the door so he can’t barge in again.
MILES: I’m a dog person.
BURNIE: Did you lock the door for real?
GUS: No, he’s not here. He’s out of town.
JOEL: We kinda. I feel bad because we kinda screwed Lindsay on the podcast…
LINDSAY: How!?
JOEL: Because..
LINDSAY: How are people screwing me?
JOEL: We had four microphones for the podcast, I think, and Monty came into the panel,
which is fine, but then we were short a microphone, so I didn’t know how to do the.. to
divide the microphones..
LINDSAY: Just switch back and forth.
BURNIE: To be honest with you, we had two microphones per seat. One was for the
audience to hear us, and one was for, to record.
GUS: Yeah. We..
LINDSAY: It worked fine.
BURNIE: So, Gus, you’re stupid. No offense..
GUS: Actually, they both worked, they both recorded. I just had them there for redundancy.
ALL: Ohhhhhh…
GUS: I didn’t tell you all that because I didn’t want you to think you could only use one.
JOEL: Wow!
LINDSAY: Woooaaah.
BURNIE: Well then we could have handed one off when Frank O’connor came in.
GUS: No
BURNIE: And we could have given him his own mic.
GUS: See, what happened, Lindsay will know, the, the silver mics were all track 5, but then
the black mics were all separate, individual tracks.
LINDSAY: Got you.
BURNIE: Oooh Ok.
LINDSAY: I was gonna say, everyone sounded fine, so when Joel was telling me about it,
I’m like, “It sounds OK.. I hope this is alright..”
JOEL: See, I was shouting extra loud because I was like, well, I have to reach the
microphone..
LINDSAY: Woah!
GUS: I kept turning you down on the mixer.. I was like, what the fuck is going on?!
JOEL: Well, you see, if you had told me, I wouldn’t have shouted because it’s like, the other
microphone I had to move away from me, so I was like, “I will shout, and all the
microphones will hear me!!!”
BURNIE: Gus, can you give us clarity, because I’ve been tweeting photos all this week of
the podcast tech test. Can you give us clarity of what’s happening, because people, as
soon as I post a photo, they have a billion more questions.
GUS: We, are finalizing our technical requirements, and the setup for that, uhh, we are we
have some
LINDSAY: It’s looking good!
GUS: Yeah, we have to do some finishing on the desk. We’ll probably be ready to go… I
hate to set a date, but we’ll probably be ready to go by the end of the month.
BURNIE: We’ve been working on it for a while.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: Yeah. We are, I mean we really built an awesome, it’s almost like, like a television
studio. We’ve really built an awesome infrastructure.
BURNIE: It’s pretty cool.
GUS: To handle multiple cameras and audio, and it’s really, really awesome.
LINDSAY: We’re very excited.
JOEL: And when we’re not using it, you’ve rented it out to the local news station for a
second…
BURNIE: Joel, there was actually a discussion at one point about building a miniature
skyline of Austin.
LINDSAY: Yeah?
BURNIE: Dave and I have not given up on it yet. Something we can put on Godzilla suits,
and gorilla suits and go stomping around in. I would love that.
MILES: I.. would.. LOVE.. that!
GUS: So we were doing promotion for RTX, we had uh, uh a photographer from The
Statesman come by, our local newspaper, and, uh she was like, “Where do you want to
take a picture?” And I was like, “Well, let’s go do, let’s take pictures out here at the podcast
set.
LINDSAY: Oh, yeah.
GUS: So she went out there to take pictures with us, and she was like, “Oh, it’s kind of
dark,” so I was like, “Well, here, let me turn the lights on.” So I turned the Kinos on, and she
was like, “Oh, wow! This is awesome! This is way better than the studio I have set up at The
Statesman.
LINDSAY: Uh, what?
BURNIE: Really?
GUS: I was like, “Really?” And she was like, “Yeah! That place is falling apart.”
LINDSAY: Nice!
MILES: That’s depressing.
LINDSAY: Noted.
GUS: I was like we’re, we’re
LINDSAY: Our set rocks!
GUS: We’re on the internet..
BURNIE: Well, I don’t know, well you did some lines for the local news stuff for like
promotions of RTX, and stuff, and we did some for season 10 as well, and it’s just.. It’s
always interesting to go to local news stations, and to…
GUS: They have robotic cameras!
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Wat?
GUS: There’s no camera man on the camera, on the local NBC affiliate.
JOEL: I bet the unions are thrilled about that..
LINDSAY: They have those at KI too.
GUS: They only have one dude who, who like is like directing the show.
LINDSAY: He’s the master controller!
MILES: He runs like, Skynet cam?
GUS: He’s the one who’s like making the cuts between cameras, moving the robotic
cameras, and like doing video insertion.
MILES: Whoaa!
GUS: and all the overlays. It’s ONE dude who does the entire broadcast.
JOEL: Geez, that’s kinda creepy.
LINDSAY: Yeah… Awesome.
BURNIE: Yeah, you know the creepiest thing I heard, in terms of like robots replacing
humans, is, there was a story in wired about robots in a warehouse that would like, say for
instance say Amazon. They would pick a packages off the shelf, based on the barcode, or
location, and it would make the packages to send to people, and the robots were working
great, and the humans liked working with the robots, but then they realized that because of
like, regulations, they had to throttle, the robots down because the humans were in danger
if the robots were put at their full potential, so they got rid of the humans, so now they can
start turning up the robots to like 45 miles per hour, it was…
GUS: It was, uhh..
MILES: Jesus!
GUS: It was actually the Staples.com fulfillment.
BURNIE: That’s what it was? Ok.
MILES: That’s creepy dude!
GUS: So they had like these robots that were like..
LINDSAY: Taking over!
GUS: zip around at like 45 mph in the warehouse, pitching up..
LINDSAY: Damn robots! Taking all our jobs!
GUS: Picking up orders and..
MILES: Turk uhr jerbs!
GUS: packing them.
MILES: That’s weird man!
JOEL: They should sell tickets to that!
GUS: I wonder if you could look that up, if there’s a video for that?
LINDSAY: They were, they were talking about robot teachers for a while, alright? They were
talking about it a couple years ago. I’m dead serious! They were talking about doing that in
college. They would have, essentially, a robot. Put in a video, and like enter your answers
here, der derp, thirty seconds here, thirty second class.
BURNIE: Think about this, think about like if you’re on Amazon, and it recommends, or
Staples, and it recommends, based on your previous purchases, that you buy one of those
robot vacuum cleaners..
LINDSAY: A Roomba?
BURNIE: Yeah, a Roomba. And then,
LINDSAY: Those things suck!
BRUNIE: And then you buy it, but then a robot goes and picks it up and delivers it to you,
and puts it in your package, packs it up, ships it out, and then it gets delivered to you, and
you have your robot vacuum cleaner, and it’s like where are you in that process?
GUS: Yeah!
BURNIE: It’s like, the site recommended it,
MILES: That’s weird!
BURNIE: a robot delivered it, and you delivered a robot to you, that’s like..
MILES: That’s how they spread!
BURNIE: You’re not even needed in that process.
JOEL: The value in that process exceeds what the outcome is.. The amount of value that is
in that whole process of delivery and maintaining, and getting it to the thing, so now this
thing can spend the rest of it’s life picking shit up off my carpet.
BURNIE: Right! Exactly! It’s like it’s like the Coke machine at the pizza place. It’s like the
most advanced piece of technology that I will ever, like use in my daily life, and it gives me
a Coke..
LINDSAY: That thing is beautiful..
BURNIE: Oh my God! It’s like, at the end of the day, I got a sugar water.
GUS: You know what sucks? I went there the other day,
BURNIE: Which is bad for me to begin with!
MILES: Right!
JOEL: Exactly.
GUS: I uh, I went to that pizza place the other day, the one with the fancy Coke machine,
you know, the one that was made famous in the animated adventure?
MILES: Yep. Right.
GUS: and the machine was broken, like I looked at it, and it was like, a Windows error
screen, like a DOS screen was up..
LINDSAY: Like a blue screen?
GUS: There was an error, unable to boot..
LINDSAY: Blue screen of Death!
GUS: I was like, oh that sucks, and the woman behind the counter was like, “Yeah.. What
do you want to drink?” I was like, “Isn’t the machine broken?” She’s like “Well, yeah..”
LINDSAY: I don’t want you to do it, I want the machine to do it!
GUS: I was like, “ I want a Coke” She was like, “OK”, so from behind the counter she pulls
out like a two liter of Coke, pulls it up and pours it into a cup for me..
LINDSAY: Not as cool.
GUS: I was like..
MILES Fucking barbaric!
GUS: This is not nearly the same..
BURNIE: Yeah, but you know, like 15, 20 years from now, it’s gonna be like, “The machine
is broken! We’re all in danger of starving.”
MILES: Yeah, that’s what weirds me out..
BURNIE: We don’t know how to provide for ourselves anymore..
JOEL: Absolutely true..
LINDSAY: Dude, Michael has literally said to me, “If the internet goes out, kill me!” like, he
was dead serious.
JOEL: No, if somebody put like a knife to your throat, and were like, and was like, fix the
fuel injection in your car, you’re dead.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Yeah. That’s weird.
LINDSAY: I wouldn’t know how.
BURNIE: Well, you wouldn’t need that. What if the fuel injection crapped out a little bit, and
you’re in the middle of a desert? You’re dead.
JOEL: It’s not..
MILES: If somebody had a knife to my neck, and was like, “Tell me what fuel injection is!”
I’d be like, I’d be fucked!
LINDSAY: Holy Fuck!
BURNIE: What would.. Joel is showing us the carts.
LINDSAY: That, oh my God..
MILES: we’re watching a video of robots..
JOEL: it’s fucking Tetris!
LINDSAY: I’m like watching a Jetson episode right now.. This is nuts..
MILES: *Tetris Theme A*
GUS: They can probably.. Shut up.. I guess they can probably communicate with each other
via RF or wireless to let them know what path they’re going to take so they can avoid
collisions.
LINDSAY: They use telepathy, Gus.
BURNIE: Did you say Calligraphy?
LINDSAY: Telepathy.
MILES: Telepathy. Calligraphy?
LINDSAY: Calligraphy? They’re writing to each other?!
BURNIE: Yeah, but the uh.. and also, you know what we’re gonna lose though? We’re
gonna lose the awesome.. videos from inside of warehouses where somebody, like backs
a forklift off the loading bay.
GUS: Oh, those are the best!
BURNIE: They are! Have you seen…
GUS: They knock the sprinkler head off..
BURNIE: Oh my God! That’s my favorite! It’s like dude looks like he turned on a garden
hose, then all of a sudden it’s like this torrent of water. And like pouring off the sprinkler
head, and like dumps right on him.
GUS: Do you remember the year we went to ACon, and somebody did that at the hotel we
were staying at?
BURNIE: I don’t remember..
MILES: oooh
GUS: It was like a floor below where I was staying. Like all of a sudden, the fire alarm went
off, and I was like, “What the fuck is going on?” So I like, so we start going down the stairs,
and I got to the point where the floor below us, where I realized that someone had activated
one of the fire, one of the sprinklers, and it had set off every sprinkler on the floor, and it
was just a torrent of water, everywhere on that floor, and then going out the stairs, down..
MILES: Oh my God!
LINDSAY: Grab a mattress and slip’n’slide.
BURNIE: Yeah, water slide, man! This water runs all the time, and it just takes one little,
tink, and it’s like we’re, we’re dead.
MILES: Wow.
BURNIE: Everything’s flooded.
GUS: It was like, it was, it was like something out of a movie! It was more like an
amusement park, where you’re like, “Oh hey! The, the Burnie Hotel water ride! Yay!”
LINDSAY: Everybody hop on!
GUS: It was awful.
MILES: It rained cement at a middle school that I went to one time..
GUS: Really?
BURNIE: It rained cement?
MILES: It rained cement. Yeah, so..
LINDSAY: Yeah, you’re friend’s cards, that guy’s cards.
MILES: Yeah, didn’t, so yeah I went to, when I was in middle school, uh, they were doing
construction on the uh, uh school that I went to, and they did it in a fucking ass backwards
way, too. They started with the 6th grade wing, then the 7th grade wing, then the 8th grade
wing, which meant one class, my fucking class had to deal with construction every single
year!
BURNIE: Oh that was one wing per year?!
MILES: It was one wing, it was one wing per year. It was a big school, so
BURNIE: Now, I like that. It concentrates your experience to be the worst one possible.
MILES: Piece of shit!
BURNIE: Everyone else was fine, fuck this generation of kids.
MILES: So, um, so in high school and middle school you have different courtyards, there’s
like the, you know that’s where all the goth kids hang out over there, there’s the jocks over
there. There was one courtyard that was, it was the nerdy courtyard! There were the people
with the Pokemon and the Magic.
LINDSAY: The nerd yard.
MILES: The, the Yu-Gi-Oh cards, one morning, I get off the bus. My buddy, uh my buddy and
I were walking to class and all of a sudden we hear this *bu-king*! And we look over, and
we’re like, “what the hell was that?!” And then all of a sudden we’re like, “Hey, it’s raining.”
And then we realized, we realized there was a pipe of liquid cement on the top of the uh, it
was running on the, on the roof of the building. A valve had burst, and it just started spraying
liquid cement into the sky, and it started raining down in this courtyard
BURNIE: Fucking A.
MILES: This is what happens. It starts raining. My first instinct is to get the fuck out of there.
I saw the saddest thing that day. It was the saddest thing in the world.
LINDSAY: Saddest, or greatest.
MILES: It was the saddest.
LINDSAY: The audience will decide.
MILES: All these kids were playing Yu-Gi-Oh, and Pokemon, and playing their cardgames,
and it starts raining cement and I saw this, little kid with like a chili bowl haircut, and like thick ass glasses, and he goes..
LINDSAY: Like Weevil?
MILES: “My Blue-Eyes!” and he dove onto his- onto his rare Yugi-Oh! Card, and sacrificed
himself and was covered, absolutely covered so- it was like- “My Blue Eyes!” PHUUUUUGHHH! And just completely wiped out. After they finally- they finally fixed it and was like the aftermath of a battle. Nobody wasfuckin’ talking. You heard like- you heard like some kid crying off in the distance.
LINDSAY: I lost my Blue Eyes.
MILES: Like WHYYYYYYY!
LINDSAY: My Exodia!
BURNIE: Mo-Modern day Pompeii.
MILES: It was just like a whole bunch of ?? just froze in a ???
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Oh. That morning on the announcements uh there was just like a- BING! “If you have been covered in uh- in cement, please report to the nurse’s office.” In a calm manner and everyone’s fuckin’ started laughing.
BURNIE: How’d you get the kids covered in cement to go to the Nurse’s Office?
MILES: Uhm…
BURNIE: Do you throw ‘em a wheel barrel.
MILES: If we could please get some people to chisel the children out of the courtyard, that would be uhh fantastic.
GUS: That is fucking phenomenal. That- My Blue Eyes is probably the best thing ever.
MILES: BLUUUUEEEE- MY BLUE EYEESSS EUUUU!
BURNIE: I don’t know if this video is playing or not, it’s on Break- I can never fucking figure out Break i-
GUS: Oh there goes, it’s up.
BURNIE: This is one of my favourite-
JOEL: Well they tell you the name of the site.
BURNIE: Yeah, I’ll just zzzzuuuuuoooopppp!
MILES: Forklift Brings Down-
LINDSAY: What is this?
GUS: I-it was better when it was Big Boys.
BURNIE: Uh-huh. Bigdashboys.com. So it’s For- it’s the for- this thing- and we’re gonna miss out on these for the rest of our lives because-
JOEL: A forklift is made for comedy.
GUS: So-
BURNIE: It is.
LINDSAY: It is.
BURNIE: It is, it ev- it even has a big cylinder of gas on the back of it, so it’s like somebody can come along and shoot it, it’ll explode? It’s like-
JOEL: For comedy.
BURNIE: -so it- for i- oops, aaaannnndddddd-
JOEL: Nooooooooooo.
BURNIE: -this is the other world-
JOEL: JUuuuuhhh...
MILES: Oh. Oh shit!
JOEL: That one u- that one just…
GUS: Ughhhh. God, so we almost got fucked by a forklift at RTX, I don’t know if you know this.
JOEL: I mean-
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Really?
GUS: Our fl- our fl-
LINDSAY: You really got fucked by a forklift?
GUS: Yeah!
MILES: That’s hot.
GUS: the one who delivers all of our stuff. All their forklifts broke the morning we had our stuff to the wor- to the convention centre. SO then they had to like rent forklifts and bring them in from some other- I guess rental place in order to uhhh to f- to get- to get our stuff out the door and to the show. It was- i-i-it- I fucking hate forklifts now.
BURNIE: I found the top 10 forklift accidents on YouTube-
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: I might be- I might be gone for days.
LINDSAY: Yes.
JOEL: See- oh that’s good. See any time someone gets into a forklift, Benny Hill music should just start playing.
BURNIE: Well it’s like- I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a, like a Bobcat, which is kind of like a small bulldozer, or in a forklift, but there’s a cage around the cockpit.
GUS: I still wanna have Bobcat fights!
BURNIE: I’ll do it with you.
LINDSAY: Bobcat fights.
BURNIE: You can even get different attachments for the front of a Bobcat.
GUS: I want to have Bobcat fights. I’ve been wanting to have Bobcat fights for like fourteen
fucking years.
BURNIE: You get a rock hammer uhm attachments on the front of a Bobcat.
GUS: You should be able to choose your loadout, like a video game like: Don’t like the rock
hammer or do I want the bulldozer blade?
BURNIE: Like I-
LINDSAY: It’s like everyone in the USA are with Bobcats.
BURNIE: Just by conditioning it sounds like if Miles hears like a jackhammer, he will be able to do multiplication like so much faster, it’s like ‘cause he spent all his formidable years in school around construction equipment.
MILES: FUNNY, it’s miserable! I just got good at moving shit ‘cause we had to move to the- to the portables every single time something d-
LINDSAY: Nice. Oh those portable buildings. Yeyuh.
BURNIE: That’s the worst.
GUS: They don’t even have a portable either.
BURNIE: It’s like a failure room.
LINDSAY: It’s not really a classroom, you got like three-
BURNIE: Yeah-
LINDSAY: -rejects of the school. Get the hell outside!
MILES: OR me, every year of my Middle School career.
LINDSAY: Rejects of the school, Miles is one of them.
MILES: Oh alright alright.
BURNIE: I hate that solution, I wish they would just come up with something different.
MILES: Mm.
JOEL: Like buildings.
BURNIE: Yeah, like build school, how ‘bout that. We’re not-
LINDSAY: Build a school.
BURNIE: Cavemen living in huts. We can- we can actually build a building for our kids to go to school in.
GUS: The-they’re not nomads, they- y-you know where they’re gonna go to learn.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: You don’t need to move the fucking building.
BURNIE: I-I don’t know I’m just embarrassed by that when I see portables in front of a school.
GUS: It’s awful.
BURNIE: It’s just the worst.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Just build the school a little bit bigger. It’s like-
GUS: But then no one wants to pay for it! People want the biggest school but no one wants to pay for it.
BURNIE: When was anyone ever upset to build a school? When has anyone ever said that.
GUS: All the fucking time, you hear people bitch, like “Oh my property taxes went up 3 years ago, why’d it go up again.”
BURNIE: That’s people without kids. They’re gonna die unfaithfully.
JOEL: The country’s on decline?
BURNIE: Yeah.
JOEL: So the schools will be getting smaller, naturally.
GUS: I shouldn’t have to pay property taxes.
BURNIE: Why not?
GUS: I-I don’t have kids!
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: Yeah but education benefits everybody, Gus.
GUS: Yeah but it benefits people with kids more than it benefits me.
JOEL: I don’t-
BURNIE: NOOO, NO NO.
GUS: I just don’t know- I don’t- I-I’m on a different team!
LINDSAY: No.
GUS: I know- I understand. I benefit in the long term from these kids who are educated, But I don’t- I don’t take from the system wh- what other people take.
JOEL: Does education benefit, like- does it?
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: Yes.
LINDSAY: Yes.
GUS: You wouldn’t have a doctor when you f- when you’re sick-
JOEL: Well…
GUS: -if they’re not educated.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Nah, I don’t know.
MILES: You could get a forklift robots so, to take place of doctors, then we’ll be okay.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: And it’ll be a lot funnier.
MILES: AIDS CANCER.
BURNIE: We-
GUS: YOUR BLUE EYES.
BURNIE: We-
MILES: SORRY.
BURNIE: Yeah “You have AIDS.” Y’know-
MILES: AIDS. SORRY SIR.
BURNIE: We… We always talk about people like they’re stupid, but the fact that we all drive… the roads, every single day-
MILES: Uhhhhhh.
BURNIE: -these complex machines, and we don’t kill each other all the time? It’s pretty amazing.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
MILES: Yeah. That’s true.
BURNIE: So you m- you wanna be on the road with a buncha pe- just a bunch of just completely uneducated people.
LINDSAY: Have you seen any robot cars recently?
BURNIE: I’ve seen dash cams from Russia. That’s all I need to see.
MILES: WHOOOOAAAA.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: I saw a video that was Jackass in Russia apparently? Jackass in Russia-
JOEL: Jackass-
BURNIE: -is waaayy better-
JOEL: Burnie’s like raising the stakes.
BURNIE: -dude, it’s waaayy better. I mean we should just link it, Lindsay-
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: -I showed it to you.
GUS: Oh god.
LINDSAY: It’s true, from the country that brought you Flinging This Girl off a Roof.
BURNIE: Oh did you see that video?
LINDSAY: Yeah, god that was terrifying, she’s just toally cool about it, she’s like
WHOOOOOOOOOO YEAH, and I’m like, “Oh my god. She’s about to die.”
JOEL: Well she-she lives in Russia, she’s hoping she dies.
LINDSAY: Jeez.
BURNIE: I don’t think- actually-
MILES: Russia’s like the scariest place on Earth.
BURNIE: Russia just at some point went, y’know what…
GUS: Hey!
BURNIE: …fuck it. Just fuck it we don’t care.
GUS: I think our- our- are there any videogame conventions in Russia? Let’s go to Russia.
MILES: Ooohhh… Jesus Christ.
GUS: Let’s go to Moscow!
LINDSAY: It’s like live action Halo.
GUS: Let’s do it!
JOEL: Y- do they have video games in Russia aside from Tetris?
LINDSAY: No.
MILES: No they should actually just shoot every-
GUS: They sh- that’s a good question. N- I wonder if the Xbox or Playstation are even released in th- in Russia. I’m calling the Soviet Union, jesus.
LINDSAY: I don’t know.
JOEL: That’s a-
BURNIE: What would it take for you to put in your credit card on dot R U site.
GUS: Oh no.
BURNIE: What would it take?
GUS: Not happening. There’s so many thi- that is so down the list of things I would do. There are things above that list that are- that are disgusting and awful.
BURNIE: You know even if-
JOEL: See Russians have to do it every day, that’s why it’s Jackass Russia.
BURNIE: If- It would be interesting to get a credit card, a brand new credit card, and just put it on a site… and just g- see what is purchased…
LINDSAY: See what happens.
BURNIE: …by that.
MILES: Well thanks for volunteering, Burnie.
BURNIE: No.
MILES: Let me see what happens.
BURNIE: Yeah. It’d probably be th- pretty much the same credit card statement that Jack gets every month. It’s probably just all the same sites.
LINDSAY: It’s all from Fleshlight, hmm.
BURNIE: I can’t believe I k- I brought that up again. Inadvertently. You said the words though, I didn’t say the words.
JOEL: Well…
MILES: Never let it go.
LINDSAY: Rhymes with Reshrhime.
JOEL: Well I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GUS: Yeah. D-Definitely not a Fleshlight.
MILES: Don’t worry about it.
JOEL: Ohh. Yeah, I-I kinda missed out on that when uhmm… I’m kinda glad that I did I guess I-
BURNIE: Talked about it twice.
JOEL: - I talked about it twice.
MILES: Did you see the video of the uh, it was like some little village in China, that they thought they found-
GUS: Mmmm.
MILES: -something new? Like actually it was some dude’s Fleshlight.
LINDSAY: What, are you serious?!
GUS: Uuughhhhhhh. Nooo.
MILE: I love how that went right, you know how somebody came out to someone in the backyard and was like, “Dude, what the fuck are you doing.” Like, “Oh! I uhhh-“
LINDSAY: Mushroom.
MILES: “-it’s a new mushroom! Look at this thing that I found!” He just k- there was a big-
GUS: It was like a rubber vagina and a rubber anus? It like-
LINDSAY: Oh my god.
GUS: -the tube, and the- I guess they found it buried in the ground.
LINDSAY: What the fuck. What the fuck.
GUS: And they- th-they they reported, it was like a village on a remote part of China, they
reported to the news. The news sends- the news station sends a reporter-He- he does the story on it, and then the next day they have to send out an apology, and in their apology they say the reporter was really young, she didn’t know any better.
LINDSAY: Oh my god.
BURNIE: What? See, this is why you need education guys.
LINDSAY: Not clear what that story-
JOEL: Oh my god…
BURNIE: That’s why, so that people don’t report a Fleshlight is a new species of a mushroom.
GUS: Technically it wasn’t a Fleshlight, it was like…
MILES: A super Fleshlight!
GUS: Th-Th-There removable part of uhh a fucking real life doll or something.
BURNIE: So Chinese knockoffs.
GUS: Yeah.
MILES: Some China dude just totally j- dodged a bullet.
BURNIE: Go ahead and say it, Gus, go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say Feshhlight, go ahead and do it.
LINDSAY: Yeah?
BURNIE: Go ahead, Gus. I know you want to.
GUS: I really did.
BURNIE: It just rolls off the tongue. It’s a Chinese knockoff.
LINDSAY: Fereshright.
BURNIE: He just starts laughing to himself.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: And he starts shaking his head.
MILES: It’s a freshlight.
BURNIE: Lead you right to it. I like how we can talk about- we can’t make fun of an accent, but we can talk about having sex-
LINDSAY: Sex.
BURNIE: -with a fake vagina and butthole.
LINDSAY: Yeup.
BURNIE: That’s fine.
MILES: Well think about the kids, Burnie.
BURNIE: Oh, you know what? It… I gotta admit, when I was in Japan is that I was-
JOEL: How did that work out by the way?
BURNIE: That was totally fine, if you’re thinking about the alien world where o-
LINDSAY: did you find panty vending machines?
BURNIE: No. You already asked that.
MILES: What?!
LINDSAY: Panty Vending Machines.
BURNIE: It’s totally normally.
JOEL: Didn’t really work out fine for Gav. I tried to warn him, didn’t I?
MILES: What happened in Japan?
BURNIE: They did serve us chicken skins and chicken bones.
LINDSAY: Yum.
BURNIE: And I think that was a joke.
LINDSAY: Did you have coagulated pig’s bum?
GUS: I-I wou- I wou- I would eat the shit out of some chicken skins.
BURNIE: Oh, it was horrible.
MILES: Carl’s Chicken Skins.
BURNIE: I know what you’re saying…
JOEL: This is not what I was talking about.
BURNIE: What are you talking about?
JOEL: You went to the bathroom with Gav, like you’re t-to- like you have a y-you set a
precedent-
BURNIE: This is in Australia.
JOEL: Oh this is Australia.
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: What happened?
GUS: We talked about it last podcast.
BURNIE: We talked about it last podcast th- we’ve gotta get Gavin back-
MILES: Okay.
BURNIE: I legitimately made Gavin-
JOEL: There are some creepy-
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: - creepy bathrooms over there in Australia. Like you go to Australian Rugby places?
BURNIE: Yeah?
JOEL: And the bathrooms literally like- you have to like walk up… onto like a cage…
BURNIE: Yeah.
LINDSAY: What.
JOEL: …and like the cage is surrounded by a pee.
LINDSAY: Do they lock the cage?
JOEL: Like you walk- it’s like a pool of pee, and you have to walk up on top of it, and then there’s like a wall and you have to pee on the wall, it’s like- there’s just pee everywhere.
LINDSAY: Rebound off the wall into the toilet.
JOEL: There’s n- there’s no need for giant opening when you pee. Like just make it go… Like I’m not sure what the philosophy is on this.
MILES: All I heard was you went to a- e-essentially it’s an American bathroom ‘cept with a cage.
LINDSAY: Yep.
MILES: That’s the difference.
BURNIE: Yeah, well in the Jap- in the Japanese airport-
JOEL: It’s a tri- it’s a trough where there’s like forty dudes- y’know?
BURNIE: Y-I know- I know-
MILES: In the pee troughs.
GUS: I- I-I-I-I’ve been to Emo’s. I’ve seen this sort of thng.
JOEL: Have you seen the film where they take the-the-the-the- the forty pigs and kill them all in one second?