30:00-1:00:00
MILES: I felt really bad about this. One time he ran into me and he gave me that whole spiel about “oh yeah I’m lost and I don’t know where I’m going”. Well I’ve run into people like that before... and I’m gonna be honest I still feel bad about this but I knew that he was trying to get my money... But I slowly started to walk away mid sentence... to see if he was like REALLY blind? I just kind of like slowly tip toed away like mid sentence...
BURNIE: Dude, you’re a scumbag.
GUS: NO NO NO...
MILES: I felt so bad and I -
GUS: Once he gets the money, he makes you take him to 12th and mitchum where he buys crack. Like he just gets out of your car.
MILES: I had fucking class I had to go... I was like sorry gotta go.
BURNIE: WOW......
GUS: No you did the right thing. Don’t give that guy money.
BURNIE: So you’re paying for the guy’s habit and you’re driving -
GUS: You’re driving him there to buy more drugs.
KARA: So you’ve done this before. You know his name and all his information.
BURNIE: You know the intersection.
GUS: In my neighborhood email list, we talk about it all the time and sometimes he’ll be walking down my street and he’ll see me and say “Uh what street is this?” and I say “BLEEEEEPED OUT” Nathan. I’m gonna go inside and call the police now so you better find somewhere else to go.
LINDSAY: Gus does not fuck around.
GUS: I DO NOT FUCK AROUND WITH THAT GUY!
LINDSAY: If it makes you feel any better Miles, a blind guy ran into me on campus and I was like “OH I’m so sorry I’m in your way”. But he didn’t move around me he tried to feel for.... me but I was very scared and I didn’t know how to respond so I went, “AHH AHH IT’S OK MAN IT’S ME IT’S ME!”
KARA: I’m sure he was all like OH OK it’s me. I got it now.
BURNIE: I was... I was on campus one time. You know we have a school for the blind and a school for the deaf here in Austin.
GUS: They’re big rivals! In basketball!
EVERYBODY: Laughing...
KARA: In basketball!?! What???
BURNIE: Let’s go over here cause of that joke. Let’s go over here where that joke isn’t.
MILES: I don’t wanna hang out here with that joke.
BURNIE: So I was on the U T campus and I look across the street and I saw some blind guy walking and he crossed a driveway where the sidewalk goes across the driveway. But in the middle of that driveway was this enormous 18 wheeler that was just extended out into the street. So the guy’s just walking down this path. Which I’m assuming that if you’re blind that you’re just in a routine. You walk the same path every day.
LINDSAY: I don’t know how they do it.
BURNIE: I don’t know how they do it either. They count steps or something?
LINDSAY: They have like a mental map or something.
BURNIE: Yeah and I guess everything compensates if you lose one of your senses. Like I could see him at the truck and he’s just perfectly still and he was like, I could tell he was trying to take in what this was. Cause it’s like you’re hitting a wall basically.
LINDSAY: What ARE you....?
BURNIE: So I walked across the street and I said, “Are you uhh trying to figure out what’s going on.” He goes, “Yeah, can you tell me where I am. I don’t know where I am. I thought I was in one place.” and I go “You’re probably in the same place there’s just a big 18 wheeler parked here in the way.” So I just took his arm and got him in the right place. But, it’s one of those things where SO many people were walking around him and I could... like I could tell it’s just one of those social situations where ANYBODY would have liked to have helped him but just didn’t feel like it was appropriate to help him.
KARA: And he probably thought it was inappropriate to be like “Hey can you guys help me?”
LINDSAY: What’s shitty is when you go to help people and they get really pissed off at you for it. They’re like I got it IT’S FINE!
MILES: I can DO THIS MYSELF!
LINDSAY: I’m like sorry.
BURNIE: No I get it. Yeah.... What’s shitty is that I walk them into a fountain!
LINDSAY: Whaahhhh - whaaaaaahhhh
BURNIE: So I got him and then I started really feel bad because I started to think about it like did I put him in the right place and get him in the right path. I described to him where he is like “OH we’re right outside this stairwell at Welch... Which is one of our Halls there and I’m like maybe he doesn’t know what that is...
MILES: Oh you know that one red building! ohhhhh...
EVERYBODY: OUCH
KARA: Uhhh what is red?
MILES: Yeah that’s the thing...
GUS: Thank you Kara.
MILES: Kara was playing the bit of the blind person in this story.
EVERYBODY: Laughing at Kara.
KARA: Alright. Alright.
MILES: You really captured the character.
BURNIE: Yeah well she’s providing closed caption for disabled people listening to the podcast! It’s like she's assisting in her own way herself.
GUS: Thank you for your services Kara.
KARA: Glad to be here and glad to help.
BURNIE: I have to admit. You came in here with beer that you opened with your teeth. There’s nowhere to go from there but down!
KARA: But down? I’d say there’s nowhere to go but up!
MILES: I know if she brings beer that I would still be on her side.
BURNIE: Plus she bangs the table.
GUS: Yeah people banging the table constantly.
BURNIE: Gus OK let me... Ask you this Lindsay does it piss you off when Gus gets mad at everybody else on the podcast for yelling or banging the table when he doesn’t have anything to do with taking out the bangs? What is he so upset about?
LINDSAY: It doesn’t make me mad cause I can relate. I’m like fuck... there’s a bump. There’s a bump. There’s a bump. But then I’m like “Would Gus cut out this bump? No he wouldn’t!”
GUS: YES I WOULD!!! GUS WOULD NOT BE LISTENING TO PANDORA AND GUS WOULD CUT EVERY FUCKING BUMP!
KARA: OK now beer bottles on the floor.
LINDSAY: There is a lot of talking over. I will say that. That does happen a bit. That I can totally relate where you’re like SHUT UP STOP! I’m like “I agree I don’t know who the fucks talking right now!
GUS: Hey you just got to get the story out.
BURNIE: Alright do you agree with that? Because there’s times when the audience tells us that they like when people yell over each other.
LINDSAY: It’s fun when you see a clusterfuck but from an editing standpoint I’m like OMG it just sounds like you’re all in one room and you’re all fighting!
GUS: It’s fun when it happens occasionally. Not when it goes on for 45 minutes straight.
BURNIE: Speaking of which, where the hells Joel. We gotta get him in here real quick.
GUS: I don’t know. I sent him a bunch of texts and I called him.
LINDSAY: He was in the annex earlier.
KARA: Let’s call him and put him on speaker.
BURNIE: Call him and put him on speaker?
GUS: Umm I’m gonna talk about these things for a second while ya’ll try to find Joel.
MILES: YESSS!
GUS: So... I don’t know if you listened to last week's podcast or not. But, we gave away a couple video game replicas made by Project Triforce. And we still have some more they wanted us to give away to people who listen to the podcast.
LINDSAY: Can you gangland that or is it heavy?
GUS: It’s pretty heavy!
BURNIE: So what is it?
MILES: This is the snub pistol from the Gears of War franchise and it’s fucking heavy. But it looks really really cool.
LINDSAY: Kara is really intimidating with this gun.
MILES: Yeah Kara she’s got some guns. Look at that!
LINDSAY: Guns with the guns!
MILES: Wait a second! Real quick! While we’re talking about Kara’s arms, you came up to me the other day and said “hey Miles um -
GUS: THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER CONVERSATION LET ME FINISH MY FUCKING STORY!
MILES: Ugh goddammit. OK fine go.
GUS: I’m trying to give some stuff away to the listeners here! So we have one of those Cog snub pistols to give away. We gave away one of those last week. We also have 2 of those Marcus Fenix busts over there with the gold lancer. I don’t know if you guys can see that over there.
KARA: OH whoa that guy’s cool looking! He’s hot.
LINDSAY: Dude I was just thinking the same thing!
GUS: We got 2 of those to give away and one of the cog -
BURNIE: Do you really think Marcus Fenix is hot?
GUS: SNUB pistols to give away.
MILES: We need to have a talk.
LINDSAY: I’m not feeling the stash though.
BURNIE: You know I gotta say that video games get a lot of bullshit for having ridiculous female characters. There are just as many ridiculous male characters.
MILES: Yeah Marcus Fenix -
BURNIE: Do you know a single dude that looks like Marcus Fenix?
MILES: Absolutlyfuckingnot!
LINDSAY: YES!
MILES: He has fingers the size of sausages and a neck the size of a tree trunk.
KARA: So guess what else is the size of -
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
KARA: I think he’s hot.
LINDSAY: Kara... he’s not real Kara!
BURNIE: Like look have you ever met a dude who looks like Ann Bison or Zangief?
MILES: One day...
BURNIE: I mean it’s like these people exist but they’re not everybody.
LINDSAY: Danny DeVito kinda looks like Mario.
GUS: Every character is either like that if it’s a dude or a super skinny big boobed girl?
BURNIE: Right!
GUS: It’s always an extreme one way or the other.
BURNIE: However Gus. I mean, not to pull that whole reversal of if things were different but if we complained about the representation of men and the male bodies in video games? People would be like “Just shut up pussy. Work out. Shut your fucking mouth.” So I... you know it goes both ways.
LINDSAY: I agree.
GUS: I don’t mind looking at a hot dude.
BURNIE: Who’s the hottest dude in video games. Ever.
LINDSAY: Oh my god... uh Luigi does that count?
BURNIE: GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE WITH LUIGI!
LINDSAY: I think Samus is pretty hot but that’s a girl.
MILES: That’s fine. Keep going...
LINDSAY: Yeah me and Samus...
BURNIE: Go on...
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
BURNIE: Hey did you see Kara... Did you see that Lindsay has a ring on?
KARA: Uh yeah I came in right as you started talking about that.
BURNIE: So what’s the story?
GUS: Yeah!
BURNIE: Do we get to find out about that?
KARA: I might have uh...
LINDSAY: Kara knows more about it than everyone else.
BURNIE: He made a tweet the other day about 6th month anniversary.
LINDSAY: Yes. Yes.
BURNIE: And about spending a lot of time together.
KARA: You’ve had that ring a while.
LINDSAY: Yes I’ve had this ring probably since Christmas
KARA: I helped approve.
LINDSAY: Yes you might have.
MILES: Oh wait! Oh that’s THAT ring!
LINDSAY: Yes. Kara may have been consulted for approval. I’m glad you guys know my style. Thank you.
GUS: So have you been wearing it this whole time and we just noticed?
LINDSAY: Yes and no. It was a little small and I had to get it off to get resized. But it’s probably been on me for like a month now.
BURNIE: Now listen. As a mature adult male in your life -
MILES: Uh mature I don’t know about all that.
BURNIE: I feel like I have the obligation to tell you what a terrible decision this is. Have you really thought this through all the way?
LINDSAY: Oh yeah.
BURNIE: You know this guy. Michael.
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: I don’t know. I got questions.
LINDSAY: Do I really know Michael? Do I?
BURNIE: Do you?
LINDSAY: Do I really know Michael Vincent Jones? UHHH
BURNIe: When Michael goes off mic is he as ragey as he is on mic?
LINDSAY: Yes. There’s a lot of shits and fucks in the morning but I’m the same way...
BURNIE / GUS: GROSS!!!!
KARA: EWWWW!
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
BURNIE: Should we bring Michael in here to talk about this?
KARA: Alright now I know yalls morning routine.
LINDSAY: Figure of speech. That was a figure of speech!
BURNIE: Should we bring Michael in here to talk about this?
GUS: If we do that we should take one person out.
BURNIE: Alright well we’ll wait then. Maybe we’ll have a Lindsay and Michael spoiler cast. We gotta have another spoiler cast.
GUS: We should!
BURNIE: People really like the one that we did for...
MILES: Mass Effect?
BURNIE: Mass Effect. Yeah. We were supposed to do one for The Avengers and we didn’t. But I think we could do one for either Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad to start it. Did you watch the first episode of Breaking Bad?
GUS: I have not seen it yet. I will see it by the time this podcast comes out.
BURNIE: WHAT?!?... OK.... OK You know they did break up the last season of Breaking Bad into 2 seasons.
GUS: I hate when they do that.
BURNIE: Why?
GUS: It’s still just instead of 2 full length seasons they go for 2 half seasons. Why not just put it all out?
BURNIE: Battlestar Galactica was the first person to do that. They had like season 2.5.
GUS: Stupid. So stupid...
BURNIE: They- they even released DVDs.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Of the first part of the season.
GUS: Before the second part of the season came out.
MILES: That’s just obnoxious.
GUS: Ultimately I blame the Sopranos for the start of that.
BURNIE: I hear ya.
GUS: For their long hiatus between seasons.
BURNIE: But like, I ah- here’s how I look at it. I look at it as, they have- the HBO with the Sopranos has established a new kind of series, like one of these super high production value series that, it takes a while to come out. Y’know, I mean they’re still faster than movies and you get a shit load of more content than movies.
GUS: They had like eighteen months breaks. Didn’t they have a twenty-four month break?
BURNIE: A movie you get longer than that don’t cha? I mean you get three years, how between Return of the King and The Hobbit? That’s like, nine years!
EVERYONE: Yeah.
GUS: Oh yeah, but they were putting those out every year, Return of the-
BURNIE: Once they made them.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Yeah. But still that’s only four hours, you get four hours in two episodes! No- I guess it’s four episodes of the Sopranos.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Y’know. I don’t know, I like this new like, uber tv series stuff they’re doing.
KARA: I like that too.
MILES: I’m a fan of TV so . . .
BURNIE: And I don’t- I-
LINDSAY: I’m a fan of Netflix, I don’t watch that TV anymore.
KARA: I’m a huge TV person.
BURNIE: Plus I watch everything in bursts, I don’t sit there week to week waiting for it to come out really.
GUS: Yeah, unless you-
MILES: Who would do that?
GUS: -fuck yourself like Breaking Bad.
BURNIE: I know.
GUS: You did that for the first few seasons and now you’re screwed like the rest of us.
BURNIE: I know. It’s true, it’s true, and I like it so much I can’t help but watch it every single week,
GUS: Mhm.
BURNIE: But then again, I can never remember what happened the previous week. Like, Breaking-
MILES: It’s just a part of growing up Burnie.
BURNIE: That was the first five minutes of watching Breaking Bad uh, was trying to remember like, where was he in the end of last season, was he dead?
GUS: I- I’ve been re-watching all the back catalogue trying to get ready for this season. Cause I knew that was gonna fucking happen.
BURNIE: I’m not doing that.
GUS: You’re not?
BURNIE: Nope. I’m not doing that. People should like, edit together like a spo- like, a primer. So it’s like, this is enough to know.
GUS: Lots- lot-
LINDSAY: Just the best parts of it so you know what’s happening.
BURNIE: Or just to like, just to refresh my memory y’know, or the people who watch the show.
LINDSAY: A recap, real quick.
BURNIE: Yeah.
KARA: Usually they do that, do they not do a like, some sort of recap at the beginning.
GUS: They don’t- they don’t do that on Breaking Bad.
MILES: [deep voice] Previously on Breaking Bad.
KARA: Yeah, they don’t do that?
LINDSAY: Check it out yo this dude does meth. Here ya go.
BURNIE: I gotta tell you, when they do that like, they usually do it on Lost all the time.
MILES: Yeah.
KARA/LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: Kara did you watch Lost?
KARA: I watched it a little bit at the beginning, I usually watch- I watch Weeds lot and then I watch-
GUS: We only asked you about Lost.
KARA: Are you like- are you out for me today Gus? Gus has it- Gus has it in for me today. What did I do to you Gus?
BURNIE: It’s cause you said Marcus Fenix is hot.
GUS: You- you were banging the table.
MILES: It’s cause you keep banging you fucking bottles.
KARA: What? I have my- I have my little pinkie finger down now so I can’t do that.
LINDSAY: When in doubt, pinkie out.
BURNIE: No, I’m interested to know what Kara watches cause Kara, I think, is the most different of anyone else who works here like, I think a lot of people if they was- if they said, do you watch Lost? Most people who work here would say yes, they watched it at one point.
KARA: I watched it at one point yeah.
BURNIE: What’s like, your favourite TV show of all time? Quite frankly I was a little surprised at your Curb Your Enthusiasm.
LINDSAY: Please say hou-
KARA: I watch Curb.
LINDSAY: Please say Real Housewives of New Jersey.
KARA: Curb or-
BURNIE: Do you watch housewives?
KARA: Curb or It’s Always Sunny. Do I watch housewives? Yes.
BURNIE: So I guess it’s not that different.
MILES: Always Sunny was okay for a while, now I don’t like the people in it anymore.
KARA: Yeah, now-
MILES: Now everybody’s too much of an asshole.
KARA: -now it’s not as good as it used to be but Curb . . .
BURNIE: Imma ask a terrible question that I really don’t wanna know the answer to.
GUS: Oh God.
BURNIE: Do you watch the Bachelorette?
KARA: No. I hate those shows.
BURNIE: No? Okay.
KARA: I hate those shows.
BURNIE: So not as different as I actually thought.
GUS: Yeah. I can respect that.
MILES: You. Proud of you.
BURNIE: You are challenging all of our stereotypes today Kara.
KARA: Okay, good. Keep it coming. I hate that.
BURNIE: You don’t watch the Bachelorette and you can open a beer bottle with your teeth.
KARA: Alright.
MILES: Wait, okay, wait. I just remembered. Kara’s arms. Kara, you have a freaky thing going in with your arms. Kara came up to me today and she goes, “Hey, so uh, so I haven’t been able to feel like, my forearms for like, uhh, five days.”
BURNIE: Five days is what she told me too.
KARA: Well, it’s just one of my arms.
MILES: I’m like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah, I just can’t feel- I can’t feel it. D’you- d’you think that’s bad?” I’m like, “Fuck yes, I think that’s bad. You should go to a doctor!” Her first instinct and she goes, “Well, why?” Because you can’t feel your fucking arms for the past five days!
KARA: I- I- well-
BURNIE: When did it start?
LINDSAY: Did you pinch a nerve or something?
KARA: I- I think like, right after RTX, maybe I just, I don’t know.
BURNIE: Oh, that sounds work related. I’m sure its-
GUS: No, no, no, no.
BURNIE: I’m sure it’s fine.
GUS: Total coincidence.
KARA: I think it’ll be- I’ll just wait it out. It’s just- it’s weird, it’s right in my- on my forearm, it’s just one muscle area. It feels like it’s numb but . . .
GUS: Hm.
MILES: Famous last words.
BURNIE: It feels like it’s numb, but it doesn’t tingle, it’s just dead.
KARA: Yes.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s cancer.
KARA: Burnie told- Burnie told me earlier it was Aids, he’s like “Yeah, you have aids, alright.”
LINDSAY: Whoah, jeez.
KARA: And then he goes, he goes, “That’s the answer for anything. Y’know, your throat hurts, you have aids.” So-
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Or it’s cancer.
KARA: So never ask Burnie for medical advice.
BURNIE: I learn all my medical knowledge from the internet. It- everything is either cancer or aids.
KARA: Yeah.
BURNIE: That’s it.
LINDSAY: Anything other than that is way better so why not? I’d rather be told Aids first.
GUS: And it’s never Lupus.
BURNIE: Never. And every couple of years it’s bird flu. That’s it. Aids, cancer of bird flu. That’s it.
LINDSAY: Damnit Spain.
BURNIE: Y’know, I read a thing, did we talk about the chart that I saw, which was the ways that people die and they charted it a hundred years ago versus today.
GUS: I don’t-
MILES: I saw it on Reddit.
GUS: I don’t think so.
BURNIE: You saw that chart too?
MILES: Yeah, yeah. It was interesting.
BURNIE: I think the New York Times did it.
MILES: Yeah.
BURNIE: Like, it’s crazy that-
LINDSAY: Is it all like the bubonic plague-
KARA: And pneumonia.
LINDSAY: Sorry, I apologise. Wow.
BURNIE: Lindsay, when was the bubonic plague?
LINDSAY: [sighs] Um, going to say 1600s.
BURNIE: Where- 1600s?
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: And where was it?
LINDSAY: Uh, Europe?
BURNIE: Okay. Do you know what caused it?
MILES: Everything was going on in Europe in the 1600s.
LINDSAY: Well, it’s not- everyone thinks that it’s rats but it’s actually the mice- or uh, the fleas that were on top of the mice/rats are the ones that would carry the disease.
GUS: Correct.
LINDSAY: Right? And then it’s supposed to have an effect kinda like aids, people believe, people who have descended now have the certain genes, you guys talked about it on the podcast but I read about it too. Where they can like, deflect the e- u- HIV virus because it’s the same thing as the bubonic plague basically.
BURNIE: Yeah. Tha- the- the- the immunity people inherited from the bubonic plague makes them immune to HIV as well.
LINDSAY: That was-
KARA: Oh, okay.
BURNIE: It’s like ten percent I think, of the Anglo-Saxon population that comes out of Europe.
GUS: Right.
BURNIE: So you’re fucked Gus.
GUS: I am fucked.
BURNIE: I got- it’s one of the things they test for on that genetic test that I took.
GUS: Are- are- are- did- d’you have it?
BURNIE: I don’t have it.
GUS: Then you’re fucked too.
BURNIE: I was- I was-
KARA: Do you have Aids now?
BURNIE: Why are my arms numb? I gotta admit, it’s like, y’know, I want the advantage like I realise the advantage is not fair-
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: -but when I don’t have it I’m like, I want the unfair advantage. I really do, I want it and I’m disappointed that I don’t have it.
GUS: Yeah, it would be awesome.
MILES: Well, well, well.
BURNIE: Kara is- Kara is giving up her seat to-
MILES: Bye Kara.
BURNIE: -let Joel Heyman sit down.
LINDSAY: Bye Kara.
KARA: Bye guys.
MILES: Love you.
BURNIE: Watch this Joel, watch what she’s gonna do.
LINDSAY: Yeah!
MILES: Oh no, don’t do it again.
LINDSAY: Do it.
MILES: Don’t do it.
LINDSAY: Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
MILES: Oh fuck! Oh Kara, ugh!
LINDSAY: Do it. Ninja.
MILES: No, that’s not ninja, that’s fucking gross.
KARA: Later guys.
BURNIE: I would just like to tell the Podcast audience that Kara is single and she is available to open your bottles.
LINDSAY: And apparently shes’-
MILES: -fucking teeth. Jesus
JOEL: Has a dentis- has a dentist seen you do that before?
MILES: I bet he’d be really psyched.
BURNIE: What’re you doing? Why are you taking my keys?
KARA: These are yours?
BURNIE: Yeah.
KARA: These are the production track aren’t they?
MILES: Nice try Kara.
JOEL: Does this mean I have to drink the beer? This means I have to drink the beer.
GUS: Here, I’ll take it if you don’t want it.
LINDSAY: Thank you Kara.
GUS: Alright.
BURNIE: Hey Joel, welcome to the podcast!
JOEL: Hey! Hello! Hi!
GUS: What’s up?
MILES: We’re so glad you could join us.
BURNIE: Yeah, that’s, actually Kara was filling in for you very nicely cause she banged the table from beginning to end.
JOEL: People love it, people love banging tables, the only reason they listen to the podcast is for the banging table noise.
BURNIE: Joel’s idea of why people listen to the podcast is so different to everybody else.
JOEL: There’s a lot of drummers.
LINDSAY: Oh yeah.
GUS: They wanna hear us talk about the Higgs Boson.
JOEL: You gotta keep the beat.
GUS: What was it again?
LINDSAY: Dude.
JOEL: You gotta keep the beat. I think I was money on, on all that. I don’t think I was wrong on anything I said in that. I stand behind everything that was said.
BURNIE: Joel do you think the Higgs Boson discovery will be good for us or bad for us, long term?
JOEL: Uhh, no we’re all doomed. I- I- it’s gotta be good, it’s gotta be good right?
BURNIE: But you’re like-
JOEL: Anytime science moves forward it’s gotta be good.
BURNIE: I guess.
JOEL: Well-
LINDSAY: Cite: World War One.
JOEL: I mean unless you’re, yeah, Japanese and in 1945.
BURNIE: Did you guys hear my weird theory about black holes?
MILES: Why?
BURNIE: That black holes in space are just civilisations that progress to the point where they destroy themselves with science. Like, they tried to do what we’re doing right now.
MILES: You can always have too much science.
BURNIE: Oops and that’s what black holes are.
LINDSAY: We just wanted to make a cooler iPhone.
JOEL: Probably but is there anything cooler than a black hole? I mean really, if we can just create one, that pretty much justifies our civilisation doesn’t it?
GUS: It does?
LINDSAY: What?
JOEL: They’re very cool.
BURNIE: It’d be cool if you could make a black hole that you could like, fire it with a slingshot at other places.
LINDSAY: At people?
BURNIE: Yeah, fuck ‘em up, yeah that’d be cool.
LINDSAY: Y’know how many people would be sent into black holes, are you kidding me? I would do that every morning when I come to the office, I’d be like, pfft, I don’t like you today.
GUS: You’d be like, shit, fuck black hole!
BURNIE: So if we did- if we did make a black hole though, would that destroy us? Or would it just- would it, as the black hole grew like, say they build the- they discover one or actually made one in- in Cern in France, right?
MILES: Discovered a black hole that’s been secretly residing in France?
LINDSAY: Just hanging out in France?!?
JOEL: How come no news has been coming from out of France lately? I wonder what’s going on there? There was no news, no light, nothing.
BURNIE: But like, would it expand and would it slow down time enough to where like, it wouldn’t be a cataclysm where we’re destroyed it’s just like, we slow down on a relative scale and from the outside looking in, it looks like we don’t exist.
MILES: Uh, this conversation got too science-y, I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.
BURNIE: There ya go.
GUS: Okay, get me a beer on your way back. I- I think if-
JOEL: A black hole breaks down everything into like, it’s smallest, right?
GUS: No.
JOEL: no?
GUS: It- it- it doesn’t break it down necessarily, it’ll compress it through extreme gravitational forces. I think if one was made in France, unless it was like, tiny and microscopic, it would kill us pretty quickly.
LINDSAY: Hm.
GUS: If it’s microscopic, maybe we’d be around for a bit.
JOEL: But it would start growing.
GUS: Yeah, it would start growing pretty quick.
BURNIE: No, I hear what you’re saying, you’re saying it would suck everything in and destroy it.
GUS: Right.
BURNIE: But as you’re entering the black hole, doesn’t time stretch and slow down?
GUS: Yeah, once you pass that event horizon.
BURNIE: Right, so from the outside looking in, it looks like everything it destroyed-
GUS: Well-
BURNIE: -but our frame of time reference would stretch out so long, that we might never reach the point, it’s kinda like a half the distance thing.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: We’d never reach the point in which we’d perceive ourselves as destroyed.
LINDSAY: So we’re getting destroyed right now?
BURNIE: It’s just like, we’re separated from the rest of the universe.
GUS: But-
JOEL: The podcast was destroyed as soon as I walked in. Let’s just get to the point.
BURNIE: HOW’D THIS HAPPEN!? We were talking about beer bottles!
GUS: What I’ve heard is, once you cross that threshold, that event horizon, you aren’t necessarily perceived as destroyed from the outside.
BURNIE: Right.
GUS: So let’s say I’m in the black hole and you’re outside of it, to you, I would appear to just start fading away.
LINDSAY: Cool.
BURNIE: Okay.
GUS: Like, I would still be here but to you I would slowly dim.
BURNIE: Gus, you faded away to me years ago.
JOEL: It seems like the deeper we go into science the more that like, perspective starts to enter the situation-
LINDSAY: Yeah, this is interesting, keep going.
JOEL: -which is weird.
GUS: Well, its- its- its- its- its like that video you linked uh, several months back about the observer affecting the outcome.
BURNIE: That’s - that’s- it still makes me mad.
GUS: Yeah like, perception and observation have direct influence over-
BURNIE: Did you-
GUS: -the direct outcome.
BURNIE: Did you watch the video?
JOEL: Yes.
BURNIE: Yeah. That’s- it makes you mad at the universe, you’re like-
JOEL: Yeah, it does.
BURNIE: -just quit fucking around.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: I told you to bring it open. Jesus Christ! Kara’s gone!
BURNIE: Now we need Kara.
MILES: I don’t listen to shit.
JOEL: So she’s opening- she opens it with her teeth.
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: You saw it. That was not camera tricks.
MILES: It’s disgusting.
LINDSAY: She’s like a shark.
JOEL: That’s impressive. There’s no way I could do that.
GUS: She’s single.
BURNIE: Lindsay, is that what you think a shark does?
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: Opens beer bottles.
LINDSAY: And then it shakes it like a dog and they go grrrrr.
MILES: Oh my God.
LINDSAY: And then they punch it.
MILES: Real quick, twenty-fifth anniversary of shark week is coming out and I am fucking excited.
LINDSAY: Ho- holy shit! It’s shark week.
MILES: It’s shark week!
BURNIE: How much shark footage can there possibly be?
LINDSAY: A ton. A million.
MILES: There’s only like ten hours but I will watch that shit until I die.
LINDSAY: You know they loop it. You know it’s the same clips every goddamn year.
MILES: Oh, it’s so awesome.
JOEL: Whe- when are we gonna get to the point where they have Discovery sh- channel show, where they’re like, this is Neil, we’re gonna put Neil in the water and sharks are gonna eat him and we’re gonna record it.
LINDSAY: I would watch it.
MILES: A special for the twenty-fifth year anniversary.
JOEL: I wanna see a dude get eaten by a shark, recorded live.
LINDSAY: Coming next week, Neil gets eaten by sharks.
MILES: Speaking of the Discovery channel-
BURNIE: I wanna see a reality show starring sharks that are competing to get on shark week so that, they have to be the sharkiest and whoever’s the sharkiest wins at the end and there’s a panel of judges.
GUS: Have you ever seen that Snickers commercial where it’s like a market research-
EVERYONE: Yes.
GUS: -and they’re in-
MILES: It creeps me the fuck out.
LINDSAY: It’s weird.
GUS: Yeah. Th- th- the market research people are interviewing two sharks and they’re like, “What did you think of Neil?”, it’s like, “He was good, I felt like there was a little something extra in him.” They’re like, “Oh, Neil ate a Snickers with peanut butter” or something, like, “Yeah, I thought I tasted peanut butter. Can we bring him back in and get another bite?”
MILES: Gross.
LINDSAY: I was like, what?
GUS: It was like, what the fuck am I watching?
JOEL: Yeah, it was- it was kind of strange.
LINDSAY: That’s not logical, sharks are above water, that doesn’t make any goddamn sense.
GUS: Plus, sharks do not like peanut butter.
JOEL: Well they get- they get scuba gear so.
MILES: And they’re talking.
BURNIE: I just hate the idea of a shark- that a shark will bite stuff to figure out if it wants to interact with it or not.
MILES: That’s what I do.
BURNIE: That’s it.
JOEL: What a great-
LINDSAY: Is it?
JOEL: What a great species, that’s like how they shake hands.
BURNIE: Yeah.
JOEL: He’s like, I’m just gonna bite a little piece off of you and then make a judgement as to whether or not this is-
BURNIE: And a little piece is relative. Depending on the size of the shark.
MILES: So uh, I was actually watching the Discovery channel last night, they had something, it was called, “Mermaids: The Body Found.”
GUS: Oh fuck that.
MILES: It was-
GUS: FUCK THAT!
MILES: -a-
LINDSAY: Ooh.
MILES: It was a, “documentary” about-
BURNIE: Fuck.
MILES: -about how they found a body of a mermaid and stuff. This thing was completely fake but it was shot-
BURNIE: No shit Miles.
MILES: I-NONONONONO!
BURNIE: It’s fucking mermaids!
MILES: I know it was completely fake, but the thing is that there’s really dumb people out there out there like, if it didn’t have the thing at the very beginning that was like, “This is complete bullshit, please don’t believe !” but you know there’s some people like, picking it up of their satellite in their RV or something like, “Pa, mermaids! I told ya they’s out there!” Like, I-
LINDSAY: Can we not bring my family into this?
JOEL: Y’know, when I was a kid and we had these things called documentaries, they were boring, fucking science-y, black and white, factual things and now it’s like they’ve bent the term-
LINDSAY: They Michael Bay-ed it, yeah.
MILES: Oh god, it was so bad!
BURNIE: Do you know, when we were kids, y’know what the big documentary we would hear about all the time, we would go to the planetarium to see, is how it- we were heading into another ice age and then that went out the window and now we’re going into global heating and global warming and all that.
JOEL: Well, global warming precedes us.
LINDSAY: Global warming will result in ice, yeah.
GUS: It’s climate change which ultimately will lead to another ice age.
BURNIE: But what I’m saying is that they didn’t talk about that when I was a kid and-
JOEL: And now they have a picture of you fuelling your car while it’s on.
BURNIE: Right. It’s at that.
JOEL: It’s like, someone’s gonna cause-
BURNIE: I think Joel and I have now lived long enough to go through an ice age somehow. It’s now no longer a threat.
JOEL: It wasn’t that bad like, they made it out to be so terrible but we’re fine, we’re fine.
BURNIE: We’re totally fine. Totally fine.
MILES: Made a good- made a good movie.
JOEL: When we were growing up it was like, I mean, the Russians have nukes-
BURNIE: Shit.
JOEL: -they’re gonna kill you, it’s gonna be horrible. And that’s what we grew up with and you guys-
MILES: We have, everyone’s a terrorist if they’re not white. That’s what we have.
BURNIE: When- when we grew up it was a fucking terrible time to grow up cause you were ten seconds away from dying in nuclear fire at any point, at any point in time or you’re gonna get aids.
MILES: I just want you to know, you just reached- you just reached an old person milestone where you just told us how bad your childhood was compared to our childhood.
BURNIE: I was just saying it was a shitty time to grow up cause they were telling you everything was gonna fucking kill you.
MILES: [old person voice] Back in my day-
JOEL: you’re just trying to include the word milestone.
LINDSAY: Miles - stone
MILES: Shut the fuck up Joel.
BURNIE: Also, it was just say no, every drug was gonna fucking kill you. It was all the drug propaganda. If you took anything, the moment you take it, you’re gonna go insane, you’re gonna pull your own teeth out and-
LINDSAY: Dude-
MILES: Gonna put a baby in the oven.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: You’re gonna open beer bottles with your teeth.
LINDSAY: That’s how DARE was, y’all had DARE?
BURNIE: You’re gonna head straight from the train right to the red light district.
JOEL: They make- they make pot look like LSD. Like, there was no like they took the worst of all-
LINDSAY: Didn’t you see Reefer Madness Joel? That shit will make you wanna kill people.
JOEL: Yeah, they forced us to watch that.
BURNIE: I remember seeing a graphic as a kid, that was a joint, it was like one of these infographics, where it was joint equals, and it was two-hundred and twelve cigarettes. That if you smoked one joint it was the same as smoking two-hundred and twelve cigarettes.
MILES: Well that’s just science Burnie. That’s just science.
BURNIE: I remember that graphic! It was a film strip, Gus remembers!
GUS: Oh, the one that would play th- the tone and you had to turn it, “boop”, and then you go the next- next slide.
BURNIE: Yeah, we’re really taking ourselves-
GUS: Those fucking machines.
BURNIE: -on this shit.
GUS: Those were old ones as a kid.
JOEL: O- our- our tools were basically like, flashlights, with little plastic pieces. That is what we had. That’s-
LINDSAY: Slide rulers?
JOEL: That’s depressing.
BURNIE: What’s that Joel? I’m sorry.
GUS: No, he’s right, that’s essentially what that projector was.
JOEL: It was a flash light.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: It was a flash light.
GUS: Mhm.
MILES: Projectors are awesome.
GUS: And then you would play like, like the accompanying audio cassette.
JOEL: Yeah, there was an audio cassette it was like yeah, turn it at the beep, “boop”.
GUS: Next side.
MILES: Ding, turn the page.
JOEL: When was that? God.
GUS: It was like fucking 1950s technology.
BURNIE: So I just looked up smoking is equal to how many cigarettes and it shows, smoking one joint is equivalent to smoking twenty cigarettes study says. The website that’s got it? Fox news.
MILES: Well that’s how you know it’s true.
BURNIE: What is funny is because that was y’know, the era of- of- a very conservative era in American time.
GUS: Are there any non-biased news outlets left or Is every new outlet-
MILES: Good question.
GUS: Does every news outlet now have it’s own agenda and slant?
BURNIE: Did you guys hear that MSNBC just changed their name, they’re not MSNBC anymore.
GUS: Yeah, Microsoft dropped it.
MILES: What are they?
BURNIE: NBCnews.com.
LINDSAY: Really?
MILES: Huh.
BURNIE: Yeah. They just changed, that’s a weird thing, they’re a big news agency.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: Yeah, I- I get- what- d- d- di- did the MS stand for Microsoft? Was that the deal?
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: And they had like a crossover, see it got to the point where I don’t think anyone knew that.
BURNIE: You guys were talking about weird commercials like that Snickers commercial.
MILES: Yeah.
BURNIE: During Breaking Bad last night, this is a regional commercial so we’ll have to post a link to the video of it, if it exists.
MILES: There ya go Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Alright, hit me. What am I learning today?
BURNIE: There’s a time- there’s a Time Warner commercial, which is- it starts with a puddle in the- on the ground in like a street.
MILES: M’kay.
BURNIE: But it’s not a puddle of water, it’s a puddle of blood-
LINDSAY: Oh.
BURNIE: -and it’s raining blood-
LINDSAY: Oh god.
BURNIE: -into the puddle and then it shows mailboxes and its raining blood on the mailboxes.
LINDSAY: Oh.
MILES: What the f-
BURNIE: And then it cuts to a graphic and says, Time Warner cable.
LINDSAY: Okay.
BURNIE: And that’s it. And then there’s another commercial where-
MILES: What the fuck?
BURNIE: -a guy is sweeping blood off of a, like a store like floor, he’s like, mopping up aisle four or whatever and there’s a drip of blood dripping from the ceiling and it’s dripping on his bald head and he’s looking up like, “That stupid blood” and there’s blood all over the place and it’s like, Time Warner cable.
MILES: Are you kidding me?
BURNIE: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AD CAMPAIGN?!
LINDSAY: What the hell?
BURNIE: It came on like five times during Breaking Bad yesterday and I made everybody stop every time and watch it.
JOEL: I haven’t seen this.
GUS: Time Warner’s bringing violence into your home and into your life.
LINDSAY: We’ll hide your dead bodies for you, Time Warner.
GUS: That’s all it was?
BURNIE: That’s it dude.
LINDSAY: What the fuck?
BURNIE: That’s it, it made no fucking sense and it freaked me out.
LINDSAY: Is it like a show coming out or something?
MILES: Or maybe some sort of promo-
BURNIE: I’m telling you that’s it, there’s no other explanation for what it was.
LINDSAY: Weird.
GUS: Well, in their defence, Time Warner has some of the worst fucking commercials I have ever seen in my life.
BURNIE: Gus! That’s psychotic. I mean, it made no sense at all.
JOEL: They probably play those before every thunderstorm because they know they’re gonna get an influx of customer calls as to why everything’s down and so they just start throwing those commercials out there so they think, maybe I shouldn’t call.
LINDSAY: Don’t you call them. Don’t call us.
MILES: That’d scare the shit out of me if I saw that.
JOEL: Right, exactly, that’s- that’s exactly what they want to achieve.
GUS: That’s so fucking bizarre.
JOEL: Gus you seem um, you seem, what’s up with you today?
GUS: I’m mad that Miles brought me a beer I can’t open.
MILES: Yeah. I could open it on the table right here but I don’t wanna fuck the table.
GUS: Fucking asshole. H-how’ve you been Joel?
JOEL: Uh, I’ve been-
GUS: What was your favourite part of RTX?
JOEL: Good god, that’s a really uh, hard to say, I mean the whole- the whole event was a fantastic event. Might have got a little bit intoxicated. Didn’t remember what happened, woke up the next day and uh, to some videos that I’m like, what the hell was that.
MILES: I beat the shit out of Kerry?
JOEL: And uh, you were there.
GUS: I was. I kept trying to stop it.
JOEL: And uh, was that you stopping it?
GUS: I was trying.
JOEL: It didn’t look like you weren’t trying to stop it at all like, it looked like you were, I guess laughing is you trying to stop something.
GUS: Yeah, yeah, that’s how I- that’s how I stop stuff.
JOEL: It went pretty well, I thought it- no I mean, you guys did a great job, I think everyone, I think the fans were great, I think everything worked out pretty well.
LINDSAY: I met some of the nicest people.
JOEL: Yeah, I mean uh-
MILES: It’s pretty cool.
JOEL: -I thought it was really, I thought- I- I- I think it went well.
GUS: Good.
JOEL: From what I remember.
MILES: The E-sports stage was a lot of fun.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Y’know- y’know what was weird?
MILES: What's up?
JOEL: Is during the podcast, it was weird to not see other people, like sitting next to people in a big row versus like-
MILES: Oh, yeah.
JOEL: We should’ve turned the tables-
GUS: That- maybe that’s what it was. There was something weird about it.
JOEL: It was totally weird cause if you don’t have like, that uh, eye contact, Uh, it was weird.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: I- It was like, you're more connected to the audience than the other people on the panel.
GUS: And I couldn’t see the audience cause it was so dark.
JOEL: No, couldn’t see the audience.
GUS: We had the lights in our eyes.
LINDSAY: Yeah, that’s what Achievement Hunter was saying, it was like a black sea of nothingness-
GUS: Yeah.
LINDSAY: -and they’re like, oh hello audience, I hope your there.
GUS: I think when we start doing our streaming podcasts, we won’t do as much audience interaction as we did at that event. It’s a little different when it’s live and there’s people there versus y’know, just people y’know, watching a live stream.
JOEL: Yeah, I mean and also it’s like, we knew important people were there so we kind of, I don’t wanna say we were on our best behaviour because uh, yeah go ahead.
GUS: Did you-
BURNIE: This is the Time Warner ad, right here.
JOEL: Enjoy better puddles.
GUS: It’s raining blood. Just like you said.
MILES: There’s some eerie-ass music in the background.
GUS: “When it rains, it pours. Time Warner cable, enjoy better.” That’s what is says. Oh yeah, mailboxes. When it rains, it pours,
LINDSAY: What the fuu-?
GUS: Enjoy better.
LINDSAY: What the fuck?
BURNIE: That’s the fucking ad!
LINDSAY: It’s raining blood.
GUS: It’s a puddles teaser.
LINDSAY: The apocalypse is coming! Buy Time Warner!
GUS: So are they running commercials teasing another commercial?
BURNIE: I don’t know.
JOEL: Is it like a Walking Dead promo?
BURNIE: A True Blood thing or something?
LINDSAY: Yeah, I thought True Blood when you first said it maybe.
MILES: Dude, True Blood got weird.
GUS: But Time Warner shouldn’t be incented to-
LINDSAY: A lotta sex!
GUS: -promote one channel over another.
BURNIE: Dude, you’re a scumbag.
GUS: NO NO NO...
MILES: I felt so bad and I -
GUS: Once he gets the money, he makes you take him to 12th and mitchum where he buys crack. Like he just gets out of your car.
MILES: I had fucking class I had to go... I was like sorry gotta go.
BURNIE: WOW......
GUS: No you did the right thing. Don’t give that guy money.
BURNIE: So you’re paying for the guy’s habit and you’re driving -
GUS: You’re driving him there to buy more drugs.
KARA: So you’ve done this before. You know his name and all his information.
BURNIE: You know the intersection.
GUS: In my neighborhood email list, we talk about it all the time and sometimes he’ll be walking down my street and he’ll see me and say “Uh what street is this?” and I say “BLEEEEEPED OUT” Nathan. I’m gonna go inside and call the police now so you better find somewhere else to go.
LINDSAY: Gus does not fuck around.
GUS: I DO NOT FUCK AROUND WITH THAT GUY!
LINDSAY: If it makes you feel any better Miles, a blind guy ran into me on campus and I was like “OH I’m so sorry I’m in your way”. But he didn’t move around me he tried to feel for.... me but I was very scared and I didn’t know how to respond so I went, “AHH AHH IT’S OK MAN IT’S ME IT’S ME!”
KARA: I’m sure he was all like OH OK it’s me. I got it now.
BURNIE: I was... I was on campus one time. You know we have a school for the blind and a school for the deaf here in Austin.
GUS: They’re big rivals! In basketball!
EVERYBODY: Laughing...
KARA: In basketball!?! What???
BURNIE: Let’s go over here cause of that joke. Let’s go over here where that joke isn’t.
MILES: I don’t wanna hang out here with that joke.
BURNIE: So I was on the U T campus and I look across the street and I saw some blind guy walking and he crossed a driveway where the sidewalk goes across the driveway. But in the middle of that driveway was this enormous 18 wheeler that was just extended out into the street. So the guy’s just walking down this path. Which I’m assuming that if you’re blind that you’re just in a routine. You walk the same path every day.
LINDSAY: I don’t know how they do it.
BURNIE: I don’t know how they do it either. They count steps or something?
LINDSAY: They have like a mental map or something.
BURNIE: Yeah and I guess everything compensates if you lose one of your senses. Like I could see him at the truck and he’s just perfectly still and he was like, I could tell he was trying to take in what this was. Cause it’s like you’re hitting a wall basically.
LINDSAY: What ARE you....?
BURNIE: So I walked across the street and I said, “Are you uhh trying to figure out what’s going on.” He goes, “Yeah, can you tell me where I am. I don’t know where I am. I thought I was in one place.” and I go “You’re probably in the same place there’s just a big 18 wheeler parked here in the way.” So I just took his arm and got him in the right place. But, it’s one of those things where SO many people were walking around him and I could... like I could tell it’s just one of those social situations where ANYBODY would have liked to have helped him but just didn’t feel like it was appropriate to help him.
KARA: And he probably thought it was inappropriate to be like “Hey can you guys help me?”
LINDSAY: What’s shitty is when you go to help people and they get really pissed off at you for it. They’re like I got it IT’S FINE!
MILES: I can DO THIS MYSELF!
LINDSAY: I’m like sorry.
BURNIE: No I get it. Yeah.... What’s shitty is that I walk them into a fountain!
LINDSAY: Whaahhhh - whaaaaaahhhh
BURNIE: So I got him and then I started really feel bad because I started to think about it like did I put him in the right place and get him in the right path. I described to him where he is like “OH we’re right outside this stairwell at Welch... Which is one of our Halls there and I’m like maybe he doesn’t know what that is...
MILES: Oh you know that one red building! ohhhhh...
EVERYBODY: OUCH
KARA: Uhhh what is red?
MILES: Yeah that’s the thing...
GUS: Thank you Kara.
MILES: Kara was playing the bit of the blind person in this story.
EVERYBODY: Laughing at Kara.
KARA: Alright. Alright.
MILES: You really captured the character.
BURNIE: Yeah well she’s providing closed caption for disabled people listening to the podcast! It’s like she's assisting in her own way herself.
GUS: Thank you for your services Kara.
KARA: Glad to be here and glad to help.
BURNIE: I have to admit. You came in here with beer that you opened with your teeth. There’s nowhere to go from there but down!
KARA: But down? I’d say there’s nowhere to go but up!
MILES: I know if she brings beer that I would still be on her side.
BURNIE: Plus she bangs the table.
GUS: Yeah people banging the table constantly.
BURNIE: Gus OK let me... Ask you this Lindsay does it piss you off when Gus gets mad at everybody else on the podcast for yelling or banging the table when he doesn’t have anything to do with taking out the bangs? What is he so upset about?
LINDSAY: It doesn’t make me mad cause I can relate. I’m like fuck... there’s a bump. There’s a bump. There’s a bump. But then I’m like “Would Gus cut out this bump? No he wouldn’t!”
GUS: YES I WOULD!!! GUS WOULD NOT BE LISTENING TO PANDORA AND GUS WOULD CUT EVERY FUCKING BUMP!
KARA: OK now beer bottles on the floor.
LINDSAY: There is a lot of talking over. I will say that. That does happen a bit. That I can totally relate where you’re like SHUT UP STOP! I’m like “I agree I don’t know who the fucks talking right now!
GUS: Hey you just got to get the story out.
BURNIE: Alright do you agree with that? Because there’s times when the audience tells us that they like when people yell over each other.
LINDSAY: It’s fun when you see a clusterfuck but from an editing standpoint I’m like OMG it just sounds like you’re all in one room and you’re all fighting!
GUS: It’s fun when it happens occasionally. Not when it goes on for 45 minutes straight.
BURNIE: Speaking of which, where the hells Joel. We gotta get him in here real quick.
GUS: I don’t know. I sent him a bunch of texts and I called him.
LINDSAY: He was in the annex earlier.
KARA: Let’s call him and put him on speaker.
BURNIE: Call him and put him on speaker?
GUS: Umm I’m gonna talk about these things for a second while ya’ll try to find Joel.
MILES: YESSS!
GUS: So... I don’t know if you listened to last week's podcast or not. But, we gave away a couple video game replicas made by Project Triforce. And we still have some more they wanted us to give away to people who listen to the podcast.
LINDSAY: Can you gangland that or is it heavy?
GUS: It’s pretty heavy!
BURNIE: So what is it?
MILES: This is the snub pistol from the Gears of War franchise and it’s fucking heavy. But it looks really really cool.
LINDSAY: Kara is really intimidating with this gun.
MILES: Yeah Kara she’s got some guns. Look at that!
LINDSAY: Guns with the guns!
MILES: Wait a second! Real quick! While we’re talking about Kara’s arms, you came up to me the other day and said “hey Miles um -
GUS: THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER CONVERSATION LET ME FINISH MY FUCKING STORY!
MILES: Ugh goddammit. OK fine go.
GUS: I’m trying to give some stuff away to the listeners here! So we have one of those Cog snub pistols to give away. We gave away one of those last week. We also have 2 of those Marcus Fenix busts over there with the gold lancer. I don’t know if you guys can see that over there.
KARA: OH whoa that guy’s cool looking! He’s hot.
LINDSAY: Dude I was just thinking the same thing!
GUS: We got 2 of those to give away and one of the cog -
BURNIE: Do you really think Marcus Fenix is hot?
GUS: SNUB pistols to give away.
MILES: We need to have a talk.
LINDSAY: I’m not feeling the stash though.
BURNIE: You know I gotta say that video games get a lot of bullshit for having ridiculous female characters. There are just as many ridiculous male characters.
MILES: Yeah Marcus Fenix -
BURNIE: Do you know a single dude that looks like Marcus Fenix?
MILES: Absolutlyfuckingnot!
LINDSAY: YES!
MILES: He has fingers the size of sausages and a neck the size of a tree trunk.
KARA: So guess what else is the size of -
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
KARA: I think he’s hot.
LINDSAY: Kara... he’s not real Kara!
BURNIE: Like look have you ever met a dude who looks like Ann Bison or Zangief?
MILES: One day...
BURNIE: I mean it’s like these people exist but they’re not everybody.
LINDSAY: Danny DeVito kinda looks like Mario.
GUS: Every character is either like that if it’s a dude or a super skinny big boobed girl?
BURNIE: Right!
GUS: It’s always an extreme one way or the other.
BURNIE: However Gus. I mean, not to pull that whole reversal of if things were different but if we complained about the representation of men and the male bodies in video games? People would be like “Just shut up pussy. Work out. Shut your fucking mouth.” So I... you know it goes both ways.
LINDSAY: I agree.
GUS: I don’t mind looking at a hot dude.
BURNIE: Who’s the hottest dude in video games. Ever.
LINDSAY: Oh my god... uh Luigi does that count?
BURNIE: GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE WITH LUIGI!
LINDSAY: I think Samus is pretty hot but that’s a girl.
MILES: That’s fine. Keep going...
LINDSAY: Yeah me and Samus...
BURNIE: Go on...
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
BURNIE: Hey did you see Kara... Did you see that Lindsay has a ring on?
KARA: Uh yeah I came in right as you started talking about that.
BURNIE: So what’s the story?
GUS: Yeah!
BURNIE: Do we get to find out about that?
KARA: I might have uh...
LINDSAY: Kara knows more about it than everyone else.
BURNIE: He made a tweet the other day about 6th month anniversary.
LINDSAY: Yes. Yes.
BURNIE: And about spending a lot of time together.
KARA: You’ve had that ring a while.
LINDSAY: Yes I’ve had this ring probably since Christmas
KARA: I helped approve.
LINDSAY: Yes you might have.
MILES: Oh wait! Oh that’s THAT ring!
LINDSAY: Yes. Kara may have been consulted for approval. I’m glad you guys know my style. Thank you.
GUS: So have you been wearing it this whole time and we just noticed?
LINDSAY: Yes and no. It was a little small and I had to get it off to get resized. But it’s probably been on me for like a month now.
BURNIE: Now listen. As a mature adult male in your life -
MILES: Uh mature I don’t know about all that.
BURNIE: I feel like I have the obligation to tell you what a terrible decision this is. Have you really thought this through all the way?
LINDSAY: Oh yeah.
BURNIE: You know this guy. Michael.
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: I don’t know. I got questions.
LINDSAY: Do I really know Michael? Do I?
BURNIE: Do you?
LINDSAY: Do I really know Michael Vincent Jones? UHHH
BURNIe: When Michael goes off mic is he as ragey as he is on mic?
LINDSAY: Yes. There’s a lot of shits and fucks in the morning but I’m the same way...
BURNIE / GUS: GROSS!!!!
KARA: EWWWW!
EVERYBODY: Laughing.
BURNIE: Should we bring Michael in here to talk about this?
KARA: Alright now I know yalls morning routine.
LINDSAY: Figure of speech. That was a figure of speech!
BURNIE: Should we bring Michael in here to talk about this?
GUS: If we do that we should take one person out.
BURNIE: Alright well we’ll wait then. Maybe we’ll have a Lindsay and Michael spoiler cast. We gotta have another spoiler cast.
GUS: We should!
BURNIE: People really like the one that we did for...
MILES: Mass Effect?
BURNIE: Mass Effect. Yeah. We were supposed to do one for The Avengers and we didn’t. But I think we could do one for either Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad to start it. Did you watch the first episode of Breaking Bad?
GUS: I have not seen it yet. I will see it by the time this podcast comes out.
BURNIE: WHAT?!?... OK.... OK You know they did break up the last season of Breaking Bad into 2 seasons.
GUS: I hate when they do that.
BURNIE: Why?
GUS: It’s still just instead of 2 full length seasons they go for 2 half seasons. Why not just put it all out?
BURNIE: Battlestar Galactica was the first person to do that. They had like season 2.5.
GUS: Stupid. So stupid...
BURNIE: They- they even released DVDs.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Of the first part of the season.
GUS: Before the second part of the season came out.
MILES: That’s just obnoxious.
GUS: Ultimately I blame the Sopranos for the start of that.
BURNIE: I hear ya.
GUS: For their long hiatus between seasons.
BURNIE: But like, I ah- here’s how I look at it. I look at it as, they have- the HBO with the Sopranos has established a new kind of series, like one of these super high production value series that, it takes a while to come out. Y’know, I mean they’re still faster than movies and you get a shit load of more content than movies.
GUS: They had like eighteen months breaks. Didn’t they have a twenty-four month break?
BURNIE: A movie you get longer than that don’t cha? I mean you get three years, how between Return of the King and The Hobbit? That’s like, nine years!
EVERYONE: Yeah.
GUS: Oh yeah, but they were putting those out every year, Return of the-
BURNIE: Once they made them.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Yeah. But still that’s only four hours, you get four hours in two episodes! No- I guess it’s four episodes of the Sopranos.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: Y’know. I don’t know, I like this new like, uber tv series stuff they’re doing.
KARA: I like that too.
MILES: I’m a fan of TV so . . .
BURNIE: And I don’t- I-
LINDSAY: I’m a fan of Netflix, I don’t watch that TV anymore.
KARA: I’m a huge TV person.
BURNIE: Plus I watch everything in bursts, I don’t sit there week to week waiting for it to come out really.
GUS: Yeah, unless you-
MILES: Who would do that?
GUS: -fuck yourself like Breaking Bad.
BURNIE: I know.
GUS: You did that for the first few seasons and now you’re screwed like the rest of us.
BURNIE: I know. It’s true, it’s true, and I like it so much I can’t help but watch it every single week,
GUS: Mhm.
BURNIE: But then again, I can never remember what happened the previous week. Like, Breaking-
MILES: It’s just a part of growing up Burnie.
BURNIE: That was the first five minutes of watching Breaking Bad uh, was trying to remember like, where was he in the end of last season, was he dead?
GUS: I- I’ve been re-watching all the back catalogue trying to get ready for this season. Cause I knew that was gonna fucking happen.
BURNIE: I’m not doing that.
GUS: You’re not?
BURNIE: Nope. I’m not doing that. People should like, edit together like a spo- like, a primer. So it’s like, this is enough to know.
GUS: Lots- lot-
LINDSAY: Just the best parts of it so you know what’s happening.
BURNIE: Or just to like, just to refresh my memory y’know, or the people who watch the show.
LINDSAY: A recap, real quick.
BURNIE: Yeah.
KARA: Usually they do that, do they not do a like, some sort of recap at the beginning.
GUS: They don’t- they don’t do that on Breaking Bad.
MILES: [deep voice] Previously on Breaking Bad.
KARA: Yeah, they don’t do that?
LINDSAY: Check it out yo this dude does meth. Here ya go.
BURNIE: I gotta tell you, when they do that like, they usually do it on Lost all the time.
MILES: Yeah.
KARA/LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: Kara did you watch Lost?
KARA: I watched it a little bit at the beginning, I usually watch- I watch Weeds lot and then I watch-
GUS: We only asked you about Lost.
KARA: Are you like- are you out for me today Gus? Gus has it- Gus has it in for me today. What did I do to you Gus?
BURNIE: It’s cause you said Marcus Fenix is hot.
GUS: You- you were banging the table.
MILES: It’s cause you keep banging you fucking bottles.
KARA: What? I have my- I have my little pinkie finger down now so I can’t do that.
LINDSAY: When in doubt, pinkie out.
BURNIE: No, I’m interested to know what Kara watches cause Kara, I think, is the most different of anyone else who works here like, I think a lot of people if they was- if they said, do you watch Lost? Most people who work here would say yes, they watched it at one point.
KARA: I watched it at one point yeah.
BURNIE: What’s like, your favourite TV show of all time? Quite frankly I was a little surprised at your Curb Your Enthusiasm.
LINDSAY: Please say hou-
KARA: I watch Curb.
LINDSAY: Please say Real Housewives of New Jersey.
KARA: Curb or-
BURNIE: Do you watch housewives?
KARA: Curb or It’s Always Sunny. Do I watch housewives? Yes.
BURNIE: So I guess it’s not that different.
MILES: Always Sunny was okay for a while, now I don’t like the people in it anymore.
KARA: Yeah, now-
MILES: Now everybody’s too much of an asshole.
KARA: -now it’s not as good as it used to be but Curb . . .
BURNIE: Imma ask a terrible question that I really don’t wanna know the answer to.
GUS: Oh God.
BURNIE: Do you watch the Bachelorette?
KARA: No. I hate those shows.
BURNIE: No? Okay.
KARA: I hate those shows.
BURNIE: So not as different as I actually thought.
GUS: Yeah. I can respect that.
MILES: You. Proud of you.
BURNIE: You are challenging all of our stereotypes today Kara.
KARA: Okay, good. Keep it coming. I hate that.
BURNIE: You don’t watch the Bachelorette and you can open a beer bottle with your teeth.
KARA: Alright.
MILES: Wait, okay, wait. I just remembered. Kara’s arms. Kara, you have a freaky thing going in with your arms. Kara came up to me today and she goes, “Hey, so uh, so I haven’t been able to feel like, my forearms for like, uhh, five days.”
BURNIE: Five days is what she told me too.
KARA: Well, it’s just one of my arms.
MILES: I’m like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah, I just can’t feel- I can’t feel it. D’you- d’you think that’s bad?” I’m like, “Fuck yes, I think that’s bad. You should go to a doctor!” Her first instinct and she goes, “Well, why?” Because you can’t feel your fucking arms for the past five days!
KARA: I- I- well-
BURNIE: When did it start?
LINDSAY: Did you pinch a nerve or something?
KARA: I- I think like, right after RTX, maybe I just, I don’t know.
BURNIE: Oh, that sounds work related. I’m sure its-
GUS: No, no, no, no.
BURNIE: I’m sure it’s fine.
GUS: Total coincidence.
KARA: I think it’ll be- I’ll just wait it out. It’s just- it’s weird, it’s right in my- on my forearm, it’s just one muscle area. It feels like it’s numb but . . .
GUS: Hm.
MILES: Famous last words.
BURNIE: It feels like it’s numb, but it doesn’t tingle, it’s just dead.
KARA: Yes.
BURNIE: Yeah, it’s cancer.
KARA: Burnie told- Burnie told me earlier it was Aids, he’s like “Yeah, you have aids, alright.”
LINDSAY: Whoah, jeez.
KARA: And then he goes, he goes, “That’s the answer for anything. Y’know, your throat hurts, you have aids.” So-
BURNIE: Yeah.
MILES: Or it’s cancer.
KARA: So never ask Burnie for medical advice.
BURNIE: I learn all my medical knowledge from the internet. It- everything is either cancer or aids.
KARA: Yeah.
BURNIE: That’s it.
LINDSAY: Anything other than that is way better so why not? I’d rather be told Aids first.
GUS: And it’s never Lupus.
BURNIE: Never. And every couple of years it’s bird flu. That’s it. Aids, cancer of bird flu. That’s it.
LINDSAY: Damnit Spain.
BURNIE: Y’know, I read a thing, did we talk about the chart that I saw, which was the ways that people die and they charted it a hundred years ago versus today.
GUS: I don’t-
MILES: I saw it on Reddit.
GUS: I don’t think so.
BURNIE: You saw that chart too?
MILES: Yeah, yeah. It was interesting.
BURNIE: I think the New York Times did it.
MILES: Yeah.
BURNIE: Like, it’s crazy that-
LINDSAY: Is it all like the bubonic plague-
KARA: And pneumonia.
LINDSAY: Sorry, I apologise. Wow.
BURNIE: Lindsay, when was the bubonic plague?
LINDSAY: [sighs] Um, going to say 1600s.
BURNIE: Where- 1600s?
LINDSAY: Yeah.
BURNIE: And where was it?
LINDSAY: Uh, Europe?
BURNIE: Okay. Do you know what caused it?
MILES: Everything was going on in Europe in the 1600s.
LINDSAY: Well, it’s not- everyone thinks that it’s rats but it’s actually the mice- or uh, the fleas that were on top of the mice/rats are the ones that would carry the disease.
GUS: Correct.
LINDSAY: Right? And then it’s supposed to have an effect kinda like aids, people believe, people who have descended now have the certain genes, you guys talked about it on the podcast but I read about it too. Where they can like, deflect the e- u- HIV virus because it’s the same thing as the bubonic plague basically.
BURNIE: Yeah. Tha- the- the- the immunity people inherited from the bubonic plague makes them immune to HIV as well.
LINDSAY: That was-
KARA: Oh, okay.
BURNIE: It’s like ten percent I think, of the Anglo-Saxon population that comes out of Europe.
GUS: Right.
BURNIE: So you’re fucked Gus.
GUS: I am fucked.
BURNIE: I got- it’s one of the things they test for on that genetic test that I took.
GUS: Are- are- are- did- d’you have it?
BURNIE: I don’t have it.
GUS: Then you’re fucked too.
BURNIE: I was- I was-
KARA: Do you have Aids now?
BURNIE: Why are my arms numb? I gotta admit, it’s like, y’know, I want the advantage like I realise the advantage is not fair-
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: -but when I don’t have it I’m like, I want the unfair advantage. I really do, I want it and I’m disappointed that I don’t have it.
GUS: Yeah, it would be awesome.
MILES: Well, well, well.
BURNIE: Kara is- Kara is giving up her seat to-
MILES: Bye Kara.
BURNIE: -let Joel Heyman sit down.
LINDSAY: Bye Kara.
KARA: Bye guys.
MILES: Love you.
BURNIE: Watch this Joel, watch what she’s gonna do.
LINDSAY: Yeah!
MILES: Oh no, don’t do it again.
LINDSAY: Do it.
MILES: Don’t do it.
LINDSAY: Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
MILES: Oh fuck! Oh Kara, ugh!
LINDSAY: Do it. Ninja.
MILES: No, that’s not ninja, that’s fucking gross.
KARA: Later guys.
BURNIE: I would just like to tell the Podcast audience that Kara is single and she is available to open your bottles.
LINDSAY: And apparently shes’-
MILES: -fucking teeth. Jesus
JOEL: Has a dentis- has a dentist seen you do that before?
MILES: I bet he’d be really psyched.
BURNIE: What’re you doing? Why are you taking my keys?
KARA: These are yours?
BURNIE: Yeah.
KARA: These are the production track aren’t they?
MILES: Nice try Kara.
JOEL: Does this mean I have to drink the beer? This means I have to drink the beer.
GUS: Here, I’ll take it if you don’t want it.
LINDSAY: Thank you Kara.
GUS: Alright.
BURNIE: Hey Joel, welcome to the podcast!
JOEL: Hey! Hello! Hi!
GUS: What’s up?
MILES: We’re so glad you could join us.
BURNIE: Yeah, that’s, actually Kara was filling in for you very nicely cause she banged the table from beginning to end.
JOEL: People love it, people love banging tables, the only reason they listen to the podcast is for the banging table noise.
BURNIE: Joel’s idea of why people listen to the podcast is so different to everybody else.
JOEL: There’s a lot of drummers.
LINDSAY: Oh yeah.
GUS: They wanna hear us talk about the Higgs Boson.
JOEL: You gotta keep the beat.
GUS: What was it again?
LINDSAY: Dude.
JOEL: You gotta keep the beat. I think I was money on, on all that. I don’t think I was wrong on anything I said in that. I stand behind everything that was said.
BURNIE: Joel do you think the Higgs Boson discovery will be good for us or bad for us, long term?
JOEL: Uhh, no we’re all doomed. I- I- it’s gotta be good, it’s gotta be good right?
BURNIE: But you’re like-
JOEL: Anytime science moves forward it’s gotta be good.
BURNIE: I guess.
JOEL: Well-
LINDSAY: Cite: World War One.
JOEL: I mean unless you’re, yeah, Japanese and in 1945.
BURNIE: Did you guys hear my weird theory about black holes?
MILES: Why?
BURNIE: That black holes in space are just civilisations that progress to the point where they destroy themselves with science. Like, they tried to do what we’re doing right now.
MILES: You can always have too much science.
BURNIE: Oops and that’s what black holes are.
LINDSAY: We just wanted to make a cooler iPhone.
JOEL: Probably but is there anything cooler than a black hole? I mean really, if we can just create one, that pretty much justifies our civilisation doesn’t it?
GUS: It does?
LINDSAY: What?
JOEL: They’re very cool.
BURNIE: It’d be cool if you could make a black hole that you could like, fire it with a slingshot at other places.
LINDSAY: At people?
BURNIE: Yeah, fuck ‘em up, yeah that’d be cool.
LINDSAY: Y’know how many people would be sent into black holes, are you kidding me? I would do that every morning when I come to the office, I’d be like, pfft, I don’t like you today.
GUS: You’d be like, shit, fuck black hole!
BURNIE: So if we did- if we did make a black hole though, would that destroy us? Or would it just- would it, as the black hole grew like, say they build the- they discover one or actually made one in- in Cern in France, right?
MILES: Discovered a black hole that’s been secretly residing in France?
LINDSAY: Just hanging out in France?!?
JOEL: How come no news has been coming from out of France lately? I wonder what’s going on there? There was no news, no light, nothing.
BURNIE: But like, would it expand and would it slow down time enough to where like, it wouldn’t be a cataclysm where we’re destroyed it’s just like, we slow down on a relative scale and from the outside looking in, it looks like we don’t exist.
MILES: Uh, this conversation got too science-y, I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.
BURNIE: There ya go.
GUS: Okay, get me a beer on your way back. I- I think if-
JOEL: A black hole breaks down everything into like, it’s smallest, right?
GUS: No.
JOEL: no?
GUS: It- it- it doesn’t break it down necessarily, it’ll compress it through extreme gravitational forces. I think if one was made in France, unless it was like, tiny and microscopic, it would kill us pretty quickly.
LINDSAY: Hm.
GUS: If it’s microscopic, maybe we’d be around for a bit.
JOEL: But it would start growing.
GUS: Yeah, it would start growing pretty quick.
BURNIE: No, I hear what you’re saying, you’re saying it would suck everything in and destroy it.
GUS: Right.
BURNIE: But as you’re entering the black hole, doesn’t time stretch and slow down?
GUS: Yeah, once you pass that event horizon.
BURNIE: Right, so from the outside looking in, it looks like everything it destroyed-
GUS: Well-
BURNIE: -but our frame of time reference would stretch out so long, that we might never reach the point, it’s kinda like a half the distance thing.
GUS: Yeah.
BURNIE: We’d never reach the point in which we’d perceive ourselves as destroyed.
LINDSAY: So we’re getting destroyed right now?
BURNIE: It’s just like, we’re separated from the rest of the universe.
GUS: But-
JOEL: The podcast was destroyed as soon as I walked in. Let’s just get to the point.
BURNIE: HOW’D THIS HAPPEN!? We were talking about beer bottles!
GUS: What I’ve heard is, once you cross that threshold, that event horizon, you aren’t necessarily perceived as destroyed from the outside.
BURNIE: Right.
GUS: So let’s say I’m in the black hole and you’re outside of it, to you, I would appear to just start fading away.
LINDSAY: Cool.
BURNIE: Okay.
GUS: Like, I would still be here but to you I would slowly dim.
BURNIE: Gus, you faded away to me years ago.
JOEL: It seems like the deeper we go into science the more that like, perspective starts to enter the situation-
LINDSAY: Yeah, this is interesting, keep going.
JOEL: -which is weird.
GUS: Well, its- its- its- its- its like that video you linked uh, several months back about the observer affecting the outcome.
BURNIE: That’s - that’s- it still makes me mad.
GUS: Yeah like, perception and observation have direct influence over-
BURNIE: Did you-
GUS: -the direct outcome.
BURNIE: Did you watch the video?
JOEL: Yes.
BURNIE: Yeah. That’s- it makes you mad at the universe, you’re like-
JOEL: Yeah, it does.
BURNIE: -just quit fucking around.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
GUS: I told you to bring it open. Jesus Christ! Kara’s gone!
BURNIE: Now we need Kara.
MILES: I don’t listen to shit.
JOEL: So she’s opening- she opens it with her teeth.
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: You saw it. That was not camera tricks.
MILES: It’s disgusting.
LINDSAY: She’s like a shark.
JOEL: That’s impressive. There’s no way I could do that.
GUS: She’s single.
BURNIE: Lindsay, is that what you think a shark does?
LINDSAY: Yes.
BURNIE: Opens beer bottles.
LINDSAY: And then it shakes it like a dog and they go grrrrr.
MILES: Oh my God.
LINDSAY: And then they punch it.
MILES: Real quick, twenty-fifth anniversary of shark week is coming out and I am fucking excited.
LINDSAY: Ho- holy shit! It’s shark week.
MILES: It’s shark week!
BURNIE: How much shark footage can there possibly be?
LINDSAY: A ton. A million.
MILES: There’s only like ten hours but I will watch that shit until I die.
LINDSAY: You know they loop it. You know it’s the same clips every goddamn year.
MILES: Oh, it’s so awesome.
JOEL: Whe- when are we gonna get to the point where they have Discovery sh- channel show, where they’re like, this is Neil, we’re gonna put Neil in the water and sharks are gonna eat him and we’re gonna record it.
LINDSAY: I would watch it.
MILES: A special for the twenty-fifth year anniversary.
JOEL: I wanna see a dude get eaten by a shark, recorded live.
LINDSAY: Coming next week, Neil gets eaten by sharks.
MILES: Speaking of the Discovery channel-
BURNIE: I wanna see a reality show starring sharks that are competing to get on shark week so that, they have to be the sharkiest and whoever’s the sharkiest wins at the end and there’s a panel of judges.
GUS: Have you ever seen that Snickers commercial where it’s like a market research-
EVERYONE: Yes.
GUS: -and they’re in-
MILES: It creeps me the fuck out.
LINDSAY: It’s weird.
GUS: Yeah. Th- th- the market research people are interviewing two sharks and they’re like, “What did you think of Neil?”, it’s like, “He was good, I felt like there was a little something extra in him.” They’re like, “Oh, Neil ate a Snickers with peanut butter” or something, like, “Yeah, I thought I tasted peanut butter. Can we bring him back in and get another bite?”
MILES: Gross.
LINDSAY: I was like, what?
GUS: It was like, what the fuck am I watching?
JOEL: Yeah, it was- it was kind of strange.
LINDSAY: That’s not logical, sharks are above water, that doesn’t make any goddamn sense.
GUS: Plus, sharks do not like peanut butter.
JOEL: Well they get- they get scuba gear so.
MILES: And they’re talking.
BURNIE: I just hate the idea of a shark- that a shark will bite stuff to figure out if it wants to interact with it or not.
MILES: That’s what I do.
BURNIE: That’s it.
JOEL: What a great-
LINDSAY: Is it?
JOEL: What a great species, that’s like how they shake hands.
BURNIE: Yeah.
JOEL: He’s like, I’m just gonna bite a little piece off of you and then make a judgement as to whether or not this is-
BURNIE: And a little piece is relative. Depending on the size of the shark.
MILES: So uh, I was actually watching the Discovery channel last night, they had something, it was called, “Mermaids: The Body Found.”
GUS: Oh fuck that.
MILES: It was-
GUS: FUCK THAT!
MILES: -a-
LINDSAY: Ooh.
MILES: It was a, “documentary” about-
BURNIE: Fuck.
MILES: -about how they found a body of a mermaid and stuff. This thing was completely fake but it was shot-
BURNIE: No shit Miles.
MILES: I-NONONONONO!
BURNIE: It’s fucking mermaids!
MILES: I know it was completely fake, but the thing is that there’s really dumb people out there out there like, if it didn’t have the thing at the very beginning that was like, “This is complete bullshit, please don’t believe !” but you know there’s some people like, picking it up of their satellite in their RV or something like, “Pa, mermaids! I told ya they’s out there!” Like, I-
LINDSAY: Can we not bring my family into this?
JOEL: Y’know, when I was a kid and we had these things called documentaries, they were boring, fucking science-y, black and white, factual things and now it’s like they’ve bent the term-
LINDSAY: They Michael Bay-ed it, yeah.
MILES: Oh god, it was so bad!
BURNIE: Do you know, when we were kids, y’know what the big documentary we would hear about all the time, we would go to the planetarium to see, is how it- we were heading into another ice age and then that went out the window and now we’re going into global heating and global warming and all that.
JOEL: Well, global warming precedes us.
LINDSAY: Global warming will result in ice, yeah.
GUS: It’s climate change which ultimately will lead to another ice age.
BURNIE: But what I’m saying is that they didn’t talk about that when I was a kid and-
JOEL: And now they have a picture of you fuelling your car while it’s on.
BURNIE: Right. It’s at that.
JOEL: It’s like, someone’s gonna cause-
BURNIE: I think Joel and I have now lived long enough to go through an ice age somehow. It’s now no longer a threat.
JOEL: It wasn’t that bad like, they made it out to be so terrible but we’re fine, we’re fine.
BURNIE: We’re totally fine. Totally fine.
MILES: Made a good- made a good movie.
JOEL: When we were growing up it was like, I mean, the Russians have nukes-
BURNIE: Shit.
JOEL: -they’re gonna kill you, it’s gonna be horrible. And that’s what we grew up with and you guys-
MILES: We have, everyone’s a terrorist if they’re not white. That’s what we have.
BURNIE: When- when we grew up it was a fucking terrible time to grow up cause you were ten seconds away from dying in nuclear fire at any point, at any point in time or you’re gonna get aids.
MILES: I just want you to know, you just reached- you just reached an old person milestone where you just told us how bad your childhood was compared to our childhood.
BURNIE: I was just saying it was a shitty time to grow up cause they were telling you everything was gonna fucking kill you.
MILES: [old person voice] Back in my day-
JOEL: you’re just trying to include the word milestone.
LINDSAY: Miles - stone
MILES: Shut the fuck up Joel.
BURNIE: Also, it was just say no, every drug was gonna fucking kill you. It was all the drug propaganda. If you took anything, the moment you take it, you’re gonna go insane, you’re gonna pull your own teeth out and-
LINDSAY: Dude-
MILES: Gonna put a baby in the oven.
BURNIE: Yeah.
GUS: You’re gonna open beer bottles with your teeth.
LINDSAY: That’s how DARE was, y’all had DARE?
BURNIE: You’re gonna head straight from the train right to the red light district.
JOEL: They make- they make pot look like LSD. Like, there was no like they took the worst of all-
LINDSAY: Didn’t you see Reefer Madness Joel? That shit will make you wanna kill people.
JOEL: Yeah, they forced us to watch that.
BURNIE: I remember seeing a graphic as a kid, that was a joint, it was like one of these infographics, where it was joint equals, and it was two-hundred and twelve cigarettes. That if you smoked one joint it was the same as smoking two-hundred and twelve cigarettes.
MILES: Well that’s just science Burnie. That’s just science.
BURNIE: I remember that graphic! It was a film strip, Gus remembers!
GUS: Oh, the one that would play th- the tone and you had to turn it, “boop”, and then you go the next- next slide.
BURNIE: Yeah, we’re really taking ourselves-
GUS: Those fucking machines.
BURNIE: -on this shit.
GUS: Those were old ones as a kid.
JOEL: O- our- our tools were basically like, flashlights, with little plastic pieces. That is what we had. That’s-
LINDSAY: Slide rulers?
JOEL: That’s depressing.
BURNIE: What’s that Joel? I’m sorry.
GUS: No, he’s right, that’s essentially what that projector was.
JOEL: It was a flash light.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: It was a flash light.
GUS: Mhm.
MILES: Projectors are awesome.
GUS: And then you would play like, like the accompanying audio cassette.
JOEL: Yeah, there was an audio cassette it was like yeah, turn it at the beep, “boop”.
GUS: Next side.
MILES: Ding, turn the page.
JOEL: When was that? God.
GUS: It was like fucking 1950s technology.
BURNIE: So I just looked up smoking is equal to how many cigarettes and it shows, smoking one joint is equivalent to smoking twenty cigarettes study says. The website that’s got it? Fox news.
MILES: Well that’s how you know it’s true.
BURNIE: What is funny is because that was y’know, the era of- of- a very conservative era in American time.
GUS: Are there any non-biased news outlets left or Is every new outlet-
MILES: Good question.
GUS: Does every news outlet now have it’s own agenda and slant?
BURNIE: Did you guys hear that MSNBC just changed their name, they’re not MSNBC anymore.
GUS: Yeah, Microsoft dropped it.
MILES: What are they?
BURNIE: NBCnews.com.
LINDSAY: Really?
MILES: Huh.
BURNIE: Yeah. They just changed, that’s a weird thing, they’re a big news agency.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: Yeah, I- I get- what- d- d- di- did the MS stand for Microsoft? Was that the deal?
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: And they had like a crossover, see it got to the point where I don’t think anyone knew that.
BURNIE: You guys were talking about weird commercials like that Snickers commercial.
MILES: Yeah.
BURNIE: During Breaking Bad last night, this is a regional commercial so we’ll have to post a link to the video of it, if it exists.
MILES: There ya go Lindsay.
LINDSAY: Alright, hit me. What am I learning today?
BURNIE: There’s a time- there’s a Time Warner commercial, which is- it starts with a puddle in the- on the ground in like a street.
MILES: M’kay.
BURNIE: But it’s not a puddle of water, it’s a puddle of blood-
LINDSAY: Oh.
BURNIE: -and it’s raining blood-
LINDSAY: Oh god.
BURNIE: -into the puddle and then it shows mailboxes and its raining blood on the mailboxes.
LINDSAY: Oh.
MILES: What the f-
BURNIE: And then it cuts to a graphic and says, Time Warner cable.
LINDSAY: Okay.
BURNIE: And that’s it. And then there’s another commercial where-
MILES: What the fuck?
BURNIE: -a guy is sweeping blood off of a, like a store like floor, he’s like, mopping up aisle four or whatever and there’s a drip of blood dripping from the ceiling and it’s dripping on his bald head and he’s looking up like, “That stupid blood” and there’s blood all over the place and it’s like, Time Warner cable.
MILES: Are you kidding me?
BURNIE: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AD CAMPAIGN?!
LINDSAY: What the hell?
BURNIE: It came on like five times during Breaking Bad yesterday and I made everybody stop every time and watch it.
JOEL: I haven’t seen this.
GUS: Time Warner’s bringing violence into your home and into your life.
LINDSAY: We’ll hide your dead bodies for you, Time Warner.
GUS: That’s all it was?
BURNIE: That’s it dude.
LINDSAY: What the fuck?
BURNIE: That’s it, it made no fucking sense and it freaked me out.
LINDSAY: Is it like a show coming out or something?
MILES: Or maybe some sort of promo-
BURNIE: I’m telling you that’s it, there’s no other explanation for what it was.
LINDSAY: Weird.
GUS: Well, in their defence, Time Warner has some of the worst fucking commercials I have ever seen in my life.
BURNIE: Gus! That’s psychotic. I mean, it made no sense at all.
JOEL: They probably play those before every thunderstorm because they know they’re gonna get an influx of customer calls as to why everything’s down and so they just start throwing those commercials out there so they think, maybe I shouldn’t call.
LINDSAY: Don’t you call them. Don’t call us.
MILES: That’d scare the shit out of me if I saw that.
JOEL: Right, exactly, that’s- that’s exactly what they want to achieve.
GUS: That’s so fucking bizarre.
JOEL: Gus you seem um, you seem, what’s up with you today?
GUS: I’m mad that Miles brought me a beer I can’t open.
MILES: Yeah. I could open it on the table right here but I don’t wanna fuck the table.
GUS: Fucking asshole. H-how’ve you been Joel?
JOEL: Uh, I’ve been-
GUS: What was your favourite part of RTX?
JOEL: Good god, that’s a really uh, hard to say, I mean the whole- the whole event was a fantastic event. Might have got a little bit intoxicated. Didn’t remember what happened, woke up the next day and uh, to some videos that I’m like, what the hell was that.
MILES: I beat the shit out of Kerry?
JOEL: And uh, you were there.
GUS: I was. I kept trying to stop it.
JOEL: And uh, was that you stopping it?
GUS: I was trying.
JOEL: It didn’t look like you weren’t trying to stop it at all like, it looked like you were, I guess laughing is you trying to stop something.
GUS: Yeah, yeah, that’s how I- that’s how I stop stuff.
JOEL: It went pretty well, I thought it- no I mean, you guys did a great job, I think everyone, I think the fans were great, I think everything worked out pretty well.
LINDSAY: I met some of the nicest people.
JOEL: Yeah, I mean uh-
MILES: It’s pretty cool.
JOEL: -I thought it was really, I thought- I- I- I think it went well.
GUS: Good.
JOEL: From what I remember.
MILES: The E-sports stage was a lot of fun.
LINDSAY: Yeah.
JOEL: Y’know- y’know what was weird?
MILES: What's up?
JOEL: Is during the podcast, it was weird to not see other people, like sitting next to people in a big row versus like-
MILES: Oh, yeah.
JOEL: We should’ve turned the tables-
GUS: That- maybe that’s what it was. There was something weird about it.
JOEL: It was totally weird cause if you don’t have like, that uh, eye contact, Uh, it was weird.
GUS: Yeah.
JOEL: I- It was like, you're more connected to the audience than the other people on the panel.
GUS: And I couldn’t see the audience cause it was so dark.
JOEL: No, couldn’t see the audience.
GUS: We had the lights in our eyes.
LINDSAY: Yeah, that’s what Achievement Hunter was saying, it was like a black sea of nothingness-
GUS: Yeah.
LINDSAY: -and they’re like, oh hello audience, I hope your there.
GUS: I think when we start doing our streaming podcasts, we won’t do as much audience interaction as we did at that event. It’s a little different when it’s live and there’s people there versus y’know, just people y’know, watching a live stream.
JOEL: Yeah, I mean and also it’s like, we knew important people were there so we kind of, I don’t wanna say we were on our best behaviour because uh, yeah go ahead.
GUS: Did you-
BURNIE: This is the Time Warner ad, right here.
JOEL: Enjoy better puddles.
GUS: It’s raining blood. Just like you said.
MILES: There’s some eerie-ass music in the background.
GUS: “When it rains, it pours. Time Warner cable, enjoy better.” That’s what is says. Oh yeah, mailboxes. When it rains, it pours,
LINDSAY: What the fuu-?
GUS: Enjoy better.
LINDSAY: What the fuck?
BURNIE: That’s the fucking ad!
LINDSAY: It’s raining blood.
GUS: It’s a puddles teaser.
LINDSAY: The apocalypse is coming! Buy Time Warner!
GUS: So are they running commercials teasing another commercial?
BURNIE: I don’t know.
JOEL: Is it like a Walking Dead promo?
BURNIE: A True Blood thing or something?
LINDSAY: Yeah, I thought True Blood when you first said it maybe.
MILES: Dude, True Blood got weird.
GUS: But Time Warner shouldn’t be incented to-
LINDSAY: A lotta sex!
GUS: -promote one channel over another.